I remember when I first saw you. All flustered moving in to the apartment next to mine. You were alone. You didn’t have much so I knew you were either a student or broke. Its wrong for me to make that assumption but by judging the state of this old building and all who lived here, those are the only two logical options. I peeked at you from behind my curtains as all sorts of scenarios conjured up in my head. They all led to me introducing myself to you, us together, married, with kids and getting old together. I was getting ahead of myself, wasn’t I? Maybe I should have introduced myself.
It has been a month since you moved in. I guessed it right, you are a student. Where do you study? What course are you doing? Which year are you in? The first year? The second? I want these answers. I don’t know how to get these answers. I hear you open your door. I sit up and listen. There isn’t much to hear so I move closer to the window and peek through the tiny slit in my curtains. My lights are off. I hate the brightness so they are usually off most of the time. You stop locking your door and turn to look around.
You have felt my gaze. I am happy you have noticed I look at you but we can’t meet each other yet. I want to know all about you before I tell you who I am. You shake your head and resume locking your door. I have to get your key. I’m curious to see where you live. Are you a tidy or messy person? What type of movies do you like? What activities do you do in your room when no one is watching? You have a really monotonous routine. You leave at six in the morning and are back by six in the evening everyday looking haggard and tired. Where do you go to? What are you always doing that makes you so tired?
When we finally meet, I will ask you all these questions. I want to know your name first. You need a name so that I can stop calling you ‘you’ whenever you occupy my mind. I’m thinking about you a lot these days. Do you know you have a weird habit of taking to yourself every time you come back in the evening all tired and sometimes agitated? It is adorable to see you throw your hands all over the place as you pace Infront of your door for two minutes before going in to your apartment. You like walking out at odd hours just to sit at the top stair of by your door and stare at your phone for hours.
You like listening to some type of instrumental music and the soothing sounds are becoming a favorite of mine even though I know nothing about those instruments. You don’t drink at home because your trash doesn’t have beer cans or bottles of liquor. I know because I go through it every Sunday night when you place it outside your door for collection by Monday morning. Am I obsessed? Maybe. I hear another voice and I’m curious. Who could it be? I’ve never heard this person before around here. Is it your friend? You don’t bring friends over. It’s a girl and the way she talks to you is really intimate.
I peek at you just to find her arms around you. A murderous rage engulfs me as she smiles widely looking at you. You smile and shake her off to reopen your door. Who is she and why are you letting her into your apartment? Is she just a friend? Where did you meet her? Are you in the same class? I’m jealous she gets to be that close to you while I can’t. Is that your type? Do you like girls who look like her? What will be your first thought when you see me? I am a few years ahead of you but I’m not old. I believe I look good for my age.
You tell her she looks pretty. She giggles as she blushes prettily. I have to admit she is beautiful. will you think I’m beautiful too? Will you call me pretty too? She touches your arm and calls out your name to get your attention as you swing the door open. You smile indulgently and place your hand on her back guiding her into the room. As the door closes, I build up every scenario of how I can successfully eliminate her. I could push her down those worn-out stairs you like so much. It will be purely an accident. I just have to ensure she can’t get up to tell the story.
I sigh trying to think positively. I need to know more before I get so reckless. I’m to be yours so I need to carefully plan every move and step. I move away from the window happily thinking about your name over and over again. I ignore the fact that she said it first knowing I needed someone to say it so that I would finally know it. I won’t let her dampen the joy I feel. I have started my journey with you and I will finish it with you. You just don’t know that yet.
I am yours. Sincerely, yours.
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