I am getting old, it's all I can think about, where did the time go, just yesterday I was 15, but today I am 36, what have I done with my life? The voice in my head drives me insane, sometimes I just want to scream shut up! Stop it! Leave me alone!
During my existential crises, the voice doesn't want to just exist, it wants to know why, why am I here, where did I come from, where am I going? Am I doing this right? Of course I'm not, look at everyone else, they know what they are doing, they are not having these insane conversations with themselves, they are happy to be here and they are living their lives as they should. They are not wasting their time studying history, reading about every single religion, wanting to know if there is life on other planets, crying along with Dr. Steven Greer while watching Close Encounters of the 5th kind, or intrigued about why David Icke dedicated his whole life on researching lizard people, or how Dolores Cannon talks about her life and death research through hypnosis, they just accept what their parents told them, what the media tells them and what science tells them, what is wrong with me? I feel like I don't belong here, I don't know how to deal with feelings, people, emotions, society, I don't even know how to deal with myself.
I hate that I have to work to make a living, I hate that people are always judging everything we do, every opinion we have, sometimes I don't even have my own opinions because I don't know what is the best opinion to have about a subject, someone will always debate it, I didn't even want to be here.
I have looked for help in every possible way, I have done years of therapy with different psychologists, I went to psychiatrists, hypnosis therapy, even alternative theta healing, Ayahuasca and Reiki therapy. Nothing seems to work, I feel like I'm stuck in a mental hell prison that I want to break out of, but I'm the only one who can do that, and I'm not competent enough to do it.
My current psychologist told me to read Chatter by Ethan Kross, I'm currently reading it, hopefully it will help, but it also inspired me to start writing this book that I have planned to write for years but never actually put the pieces together to finish it, due to the voice in my head being so confused. It usually goes something like this:
- I should write a book, I have a weird but interesting life story.
- Yes, you really should, people would love reading it.
- Except that nodoby cares and nobody will read it.
- But, you should give it a try if that's what you really want.
- I'm not sure if this is what I really want, I have only being wanting to write it for 19 years.
- Just write the book already!
- But more weird stuff keeps happening in my life! It never ends!
- Write part one and later on do a second book!
- What if it's just a waste of time? what if nobody cares? I don't even want anybody to actually care, I just want to write my story...
- You like to play the victim! You only had the life you had because of your own choices!
- I don't want to play the victim, I just wanted people to see things from my perspective.
- But nobody cares!
-I don't care that nobody cares! I just want to write my story!
And this is usually how it goes on and on inside my head and I stay stuck on the what if...
So I had a very traumatic life, filled with traumatic events, and I read so much about healing our traumas and letting go, and I've tried, there were times where I felt healed, I felt like it didn't bother me anymore, until out of no where the thoughts come back to hunt me again, just thinking about it brings all the feelings back. My favorite movie is Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind, because I really wish there was a way to simply erase all the traumatizing memories from my mind, but still there isn't and I have to deal with them from time to time.
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