Who am I without them?
They are my heart, my world, my reason for living. Without them my heart could never be whole. Those people, those fakes, constantly criticizing me. Always fishing for the bad, dismissing any and all my good attempts to get my life back this is so agonizing, I'm lost reminiscing in all my amazing memories, Of course it's depressing. They have no remorse for saying such horrid false accusations, oh the aggravation, the confusion the trauma and devastation, the worst is the separation. Its so unbearable. It's just not acceptable, being held accountable, For it was out of my control. How was I supposed to know? ... This topic is hard to swallow like a lump in ur throat. There's no way to sugar coat something like this, always remember the preditor can be someone as close as living in the same house. It isn't fool proof it happens everyday everywhere u hear about it on the news.. Your over protective, always cautious. What could I possibly do while I was sound asleep, I never heard a peep. Yet people wonder why I can't sleep. Oh the thoughts are to much for me. It was unjust, left me full of disgust and even distrust. After a certain amount of time tho and after all the discomfort the hurt. After all your effort, after all your hard work, So much u exert urself, and still those fakes say its not enough u start to belive those false accusations start to think maybe u did fail to protect them. it affects ur mental state in the worse kinda way. losing ur heart an soul because of some nasty creep. So yes I constantly weep and never get any sleep. I told you this is deep. Honestly it has left me a lil bitterly. so forgive me if I seem cold, forgive me if I seem negative, try and see it from my perspective. I'm silently screaming for someone to tell me how am I supposed to live without them. This is living hell. don't dwell on the past they say but my future's surpassed without them in it.
I miss there tiny faces and tying there shoelaces.I miss giving them baths and listing to there laughs. I miss there tiny toes and all there little bows. I miss there hugs and catching bugs. I miss sitting on logs and catching frogs. I even miss there crys and whys. I miss there kisses even there dirty dishes. I miss there messes even on there dresses. Wouldn't ya know I actually miss the way they were so clingy. Surprisingly I even miss there fussing and Fighting. I don't miss the biting phase but I'd still take that . over this. I'd take changing there stinky butts and doctoring up there cuts and filling up there cups over this... Oh how I hated the never ending laundry. I'd still do anything for that headache back...if it meant I had them back. I'd take the bed wetting and potty training and peeing in the dryer, if it meant I had them back. Are you catching my drift? They truly are my precious gifts. I miss helping them take there first steps and helping them learn the alphabet. I miss there sweet voices and teaching them the right choices. I miss there tiny hands and even the time he got ants in his pants. Oh how I miss getting em fed and in bed, aswell as checking for the boogie man.......How I miss there snuggles and blowing bubbles and doing puzzles and of course baking muffins. I even miss them jumping in puddles and pushing all my buttons.... however it's them themselves I miss the most.
Oh Ayden my wonderful, brilliant, sweet, sesitive, but oh so amazingly strong my son my boy my buddy. Your so academically inclined and artfully unique... I'm so blessed to be Ur mom cause Ur definitely the bomb... I know things are hard for u emotionally... you've been through quite a bit of life difficulties ... It's not easy being a kid with such massive deep feelings. Those thoughts u experience I know sometimes it can feel like and overload I know it's hard not to explod.. the last 2 year's has been hard to swallow for all of us. let's focus on your, our, growth instead or the young man your becoming. ... How about all the obstacles you have overcome? All your achievements. your a warrior! I know it feels like an eternity since we've held one another. .....There's been so many barriers but my growth and achievements are coming together. Sometimes we can feel in despair...I swear Gods got your best interest in mind. You are my 1st born and 1 of 4 of my most proudful accomplishment of my life. You and your sisters are my everything, my life, my soul. Your love, our love, is the kind of love worth living for. I love you so much no matter the distance I'll always be one call away. Forever your mommy, forever my baby. keep your head son it's almost over.
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