I'm sure I was born to love and to be loved, I always knew that, since I was a child.
I didn't have as many boyfriends as I should, I was looking for the one that would be forever, and in that search, I found HIM.
But before I met HIM, the last of them made me sure that the few with whom I related - three in all - were not HIM; the last one I stayed with was for the longest time, I thought it would be HIM, but the disappointment came early in the relationship, but I tried everything to make it work, but I couldn't: inevitably the end came.
I decided that I should change everything: address, phone number, job, and even city.
So, I came to this small, remote city in an attempt to detach myself from everything and everyone.
I said at home that I was going on a long trip, I didn't tell them I was leaving. I would call when I arrived and when I was about to return, but I would never return. And so, I packed my bags, threw all the memories of them - from the ex - outside, closed the windows and locked the door. I walked out the gate without looking back.
The house I rented was already fully furnished, but I needed things to give my touch in the house so that I really felt at home.
I left my bags in what would be my room and went after shops to buy what was missing.
It was a long and tiring afternoon, but I loved every little piece I bought, and I was so excited to get home soon and put everything in its place and leave it all to my face.
I had to take a taxi because of the bags, and the other things were delivered home the same day.
I spent the rest of the day cleaning, organizing, decorating... and when it was over it was too late, so I took a shower and went to bed, started reading, but soon fell asleep.
I woke up the other day with the sunlight striking my face. I had no idea what time it was, but I felt like I slept well. For a long time, I had not slept so much and so quiet. I picked up my cell phone to see the time - 10:30 am - I was happy and thought of staying a little longer in bed, but I couldn't, so I got up, went to the bathroom, and prepared my breakfast. I thought it would be nice to have it outside the house; behind the house is a small green area with tables and chairs, a small garden, no walls or fences, it looks like a common area with the neighbor's house, but I noticed that there is a similar space in the house next to mine. I was a little intrigued by this, but I didn't want to worry and not ruin my moment.
As I imagined, the breakfast was quiet and beautiful with the scenery: the blue sky as it should be in the summer.
While eating breakfast and admiring the scenery, I started planning my day, I had no idea what to do that day, or the next; I sat outside for a long time, and then caught myself remembering my past...
"Are you ready?", he asked me.
We were in front of the apartment door where I lived, it took me a while to understand what he wanted with that question, but when I understood it, I was so embarrassed that I didn't know what to answer.
He asked me if I was ready to kiss him, and of course I was caught off guard, it would be my first kiss on someone's mouth.
I was very young, and he was my first crush: to me, he was boyish perfection - blond and tall. I do not remember how it all started, I just remember my mother wondering if I was dating him, and I got scared - I was going to tell her, but he told his mother first and she told mine, they were friends.
Unlike what I thought my mother's reaction would be, she just told me it was for me to be careful. I think she didn't want me to suffer anytime soon. In the end, I didn't kiss him and he consequently turned away from me. He and his family moved, and I never saw him again. He was my first boyfriend, the gateway to other crushes.
A few years later, I met the one that was my greatest, most unrequited crush that anyone has ever heard... He came into my classroom and was introduced by the geography teacher:
"This will be the newest student in this class, he's been transferred from another school."
There was only one empty desk next to me, and he sat there and smiled at me. We made friends fast, and I fell in love fast.
Few people knew of this crush, he didn't know; after a while a friend we had in common told him. I almost died from it, and we got a little closer, like friends.
I changed schools, and so did he, to the same as I went. We always talked at breaks, or when we met in the hallways of the school, but it was always that, nothing more.
Time went by, and one day one of my friends introduced me to her cousin, and we spent an afternoon together. I thought that with my friend's cousin I could forget about my crush, so I accepted the dating request. That was my second boyfriend.
We were always together: at school, at my friend's house, at my house celebrating his birthday, at my parents' country house, until... one day at school, a mutual friend of mine and my crush's came to talk to me, she was serious and saying it was important to talk to me. We entered an empty room:
"Your crush asked me to tell you two things. One is that he is being transferred to another school."
I was surprised, I didn't know what to say. Why did he ask her to tell me that?
"The other thing is that he's being transferred to another school because he can't take seeing you with this boy anymore."
Enough. It was enough to finish me. I remember this was the worst day of my life, with my sister's help, of course, she couldn't be left out, always getting into my business. I do not know what she told my mom about it, so my mom just finished the rest of my day.
After a few months, my second date, that chance I had to forget my crush, was also over.
Two years later, school was over, I was getting ready for college, and a job opportunity came up. No big deal, but it helped me pay half the college.
The job offer was for me to replace one of the employees who had found another job. He would give me the training for a month, and then I would assume his position.
A month passed, and he managed to get both jobs, that meant I would work with him.
One day, I woke up to go to work and remembered that I had two college jobs to do, and I also had to study for exams, I freaked out.
My mother was very understanding, and told me that I didn't need to go to work:
"By the way, you never have to go there again. Don't worry, I'll talk to your boss about this."
I didn't go to work anymore, but I remained a client there. Every time I went to the store, he made sure to meet me.
As soon as I left the store, my boss put up a job vacancy sign; a few days later someone came to my house to ask me to talk to my former boss and recommend him to fill the job vacancy I had left.
I talked to her and he was employed; because of that, we became friends, and one day he asked me:
"What's happening to you and him?"
"To my knowledge, nothing."
"He doesn't stop talking about you."
People know how to make me surprised and embarrassed.
My new friend said he would try to know more about it, and then tell me, what didn't happen.
One day I went to the store, and there was no one else working there but him - not my new friend, but him.
I went to the back of the store and he came after me:
"Do you need help?"
"I'm OK. I already worked here, remember?"
"It's just that I want to show you some new things that just arrived."
"OK. You can show me."
"Can you come over here?"
I approached him, and it all happened so fast, when I realized, I was being kissed by him.
I have to confess that I thought I was in one of those movies where girls fall in love with boys, and boys fall in love with girls, and end up getting together after some little conflicts, but the ending is always happy.
It did not happened to me this way; after that kiss, he kind of insisted with me to be together, and I thought, why not?
He showed and taught me everything couples do when they are together; he was not the first to touch me, it had happened to me with my second boyfriend: once, at his cousin's house, I did not know what to do, but it was intense; the other time was his birthday while we were alone and locked in my room, and my sister, his cousin and my mother were preparing the party. But the third boyfriend was the first that had me all the way, yet I still did not feel that I was in love, or that I loved him.
Days, weeks, months, years passed, and we continued together; it was fun at times, annoying at times, calm at times, but never in love, never romantic, never as I thought it should be.
Until one day it was all over; I cannot remember if it was me or him who broke up, all I can remember is that he left, and I did not know what to do. It was so many years together, there was no love on my part, it seemed like I had lost a friend. I think that's what I still feel, the lack of a friend...
I don't know how long I've been out here, but the sun is strong, I feel it on my face.
I entered the house, and went straight to my room to make the bed and take a shower. I washed the breakfast dishes - it was after 2 pm. So, I went out to lunch at a restaurant I had seen the day before when I went shopping.
The restaurant was very nice, and the food delicious. I thought I'd come more often, since I'm going to work very close to here.
After lunch, I went to the city park for a walk. I sat under a tree to rest after the walk, and a couple with two children - an older girl and a younger boy - approached me:
"Hi! You're the new white house resident, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's me."
"We really wanted to meet the new residents," she said a little excited.
"They are not residents, just me." I answered them and asked:
"Do you live here?"
"No, unfortunately. We are spending a week here. I'm organizing a wedding, and he's taking the time to finish his next book.", she replies.
"Interesting activities of yours. Have I read one of your books yet?"
"Maybe.", he says.
So, she asks me:
"What are you going to work with in this little town?"
"I'm a teacher, I'll start on Monday."
"What do you teach?", he asks me.
"I'm a language teacher, I'm going to take French classes for first and second years."
"I hope your classes start well, teenage class ..." he tells me and looks at his children.
I smiled at them, and then they say goodbye wishing me luck.
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