forestnomad Charlie Roberts

"Looking for an epic, mind-bending story with characters whose backstories will tug at your heartstrings? Eager to dive into a world where fantasies come true and heroes save the day? If so, then please, DO NOT read this work. "Dictaturika" is a biting and unhinged satire that shatters all known literary clichés. Follow the misadventures of the all-powerful yet utterly clueless supreme leader Trocco as he tries to govern his chaotic country, North Choba. Don't expect noble heroes or happy endings here. This novel will immerse you in a world of authoritarian delusions, bureaucratic absurdities, and situations so ridiculous you won't know whether to laugh or cry. "A profound reflection on the human condition... and how stupid we can be!" - Review from The Magazine of Books Nobody Reads. "I don't recall reading anything like it" – My Alzheimer's-afflicted grandfather. So if you value your sanity and good taste, steer clear of this work at all costs. Unless you have a twisted sense of humor. You've been warned! Don't say we didn't tell you."


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#fiction #comedy #military #technology #history #politics #sciencefiction #science #parody #humour #satire #millionaire #cuba #young #absurd #arrogant #korea #usa #government #russia #jokes #spy #antihero #latin #trump #unitedstates #dictatorship #palace #humorous #einstein #scientist #luxury #eccentric #antagonist #putin #cheguevara #oppenheimer #kimjong-un #dictator #dark-humour #darkhumour #northkorea #democracy #elections #humor
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Hyena cage

It was a summer night, well into the early hours, and the great supreme leader Trocco was deeply engrossed in his work at his desk in his room. It was already three in the morning, yet he continued to write and rewrite documents, illuminated by a lamp casting an orange hue on his tan skin. Despite being a young man, he appeared very professional when he worked seriously, which was rare. However, the matter at hand seemed to require special attention, reflected in a worried expression on his face. Suddenly, his concern turned into audible complaints:

"Ugh, that Pinica, the stupid speech she wrote for me has made me waste too much time; it's already three-thirty. Tomorrow I need to get up early; those prohibition laws don't create themselves. Because of her, I've had to change too many lines. How could she write like that? Her writing doesn't reflect my greatness."

Trocco stood up, holding the bundle of scribbled papers containing the draft, and attempted to recite it.

"'Dear citizens...'" he read aloud. "'...it is an honor to meet with you on this occasion,'" he paused, thoughtful. "I think we could change that to: 'Dear citizens, it is an honor for YOU to have me on this occasion,'" he continued speaking to himself, proudly. "Yes, that sounds much better! Also, we need to adapt some words that reflect poorly on the government; 'strikes' could be changed to 'voluntary cessation of duties,' 'arrests'... hmm," he paused to think. "Could be changed to 'voluntary cessation of freedom,' and 'vandalism'... hmmm," he rubbed his chin while thinking, tapping the pencil on a sheet full of scribbles. "Vandalism is... 'cruel attack against authority,'" he said pleased. "That's it! Much better."

Trocco continued like this for a while, silently searching for words to change, until he suddenly came across one that caught his attention.

"'Protests,'" he said, loudly. "We have to change it to 'voluntary cessation of...' hmm," he stopped again.

"I know, I'll ask Pinica to help me with this. It's her responsibility after all," he added before getting up from his desk.

Trocco headed to the adjoining room, which was at the end of one of the longest hallways in the supreme palace. The great leader knocked loudly on the door, and was greeted by a slender figure with long, dark, completely disheveled hair. It was Pinica, who rose from what seemed to be a peaceful sleep, as unlike her usual military-style attire, she was in pajamas and had dark circles under her eyes that stood out more than a wine stain on a white shirt.

"Look at this," Trocco said, pointing to his scribbled sheets. "We need to change some things," the leader continued as Pinica rubbed her eyes. "I've already made some progress, but I've marked the words you need to correct."

"hmm, what?" Pinica said, yawning.

"If you could have it for me by tomorrow morning, that would be ideal," Trocco said, with a smile.

"What?" Pinica said, more awake now.

"The speech!" Trocco said, pointing to the papers. "I need it for tomorrow."

At that moment, Pinica's expression changed from confusion to anger.

"It's four in the morning, this is the time to sleep!" she said, with fiery eyes.

Needless to say, she kicked him out with a kick.

Trocco returned to his desk determined to finish it himself. Suddenly, as he cursed his assistant for not interrupting her trivial sleep instead of working for him, Trocco heard a sound that caught his attention.

"What's that?" he said, searching for the source of the sound, which resembled a motor. "It sounds familiar, like... a washing machine? No..." he questioned. "It's more like a fan, or maybe? I hope it's not that!" he said, with a worried expression that highlighted his thick eyebrows.

The leader headed back to the adjoining room and knocked on the door once more.

"Pinica, wake up," there was no response.

Trocco tried again, this time knocking harder and shouting.

"Pinica, wake up! PINICA!"

"Idiot, let me sleep! I'm not going to write that stupid speech for you now!" Pinica clamored from beneath her blankets, clearly annoyed.

"No, Pinica, do you hear that? It's an emergency!" the leader said through the door.

There were a few seconds of silence, and then suddenly, Trocco, who had his ear pressed against the door, fell to the ground as it opened.

"What's the emergency?" Pinica asked, with a completely serious face.

"Do you hear it too? What do you think it is?" Trocco asked as he got up.

"To me, it sounds like a helicopter."

"Haha, don't be silly. I was the one who banned them, remember?" Trocco asserted, arrogantly.

"Yes. But then you yourself unbanned them for your triumphant entrance in a parade, remember?" Pinica asked, imitating his voice sarcastically.

"That was only for a day, then I banned them again. Then I unbanned them for a day, and then I banned them again. Yes, I think that's how it went," Trocco concluded.

"If you're so worried, tell the guards," Pinica said as she headed back to her bed.

"That's what I'll do. Let's see where they are," Trocco replied as he pulled out a device with a screen that caught Pinica's attention.

On the screen, they could see all the palace cameras. Pinica approached, and they both checked, realizing that the chief guards, Invu and Niche, were not at their post.

"But where are those imbeciles?" Trocco said, concerned.

Pinica searched the cameras for the guards' location, realizing they were in the bathroom urinating.

"Can I ask why there are cameras in the bathroom, pointed at the urinals?" Pinica said, raising an eyebrow.

"No," Trocco replied curtly.

As they watched the image, they realized the guards were competing.

"Look," Invu said. "I bet I can reach higher than you."

From his screen, Trocco watched them, astonished.

"I can't believe it, are they playing?! I'll call them immediately!"

However, just as they tried to contact them, Invu, who was wearing the communicator, tried to respond with one hand but it slipped, falling into the urinal, releasing a small electric shock.

"Ew, it's all dirty," he complained.

"Leave it, it doesn't work anymore," his companion Niche replied.

"I hope we don't get in trouble for this, it's the second one this week."

Trocco's face turned red with anger before releasing his outburst.

"BUT YOU TWO IDIOTS, MORONS!"

Meanwhile, Pinica checked the other cameras and noticed that three figures had entered through the laundry room skylight, each carrying a rifle-type submachine gun and wearing ski masks.

"Who are they?" Trocco asked.

"They're not guards," Pinica replied, intrigued.

"Darn, they're intruders! I knew it, I was right! That sound... that damn sound... it was a helicopter! They arrived by helicopter!" Trocco said, almost proudly.

"Oh no! You were right! Whenever you're right, something bad happens!" Pinica responded, as she watched Trocco's expression become serious. "What? Don't look at me like that, it's statistics!" Pinica added, shrugging.

"That doesn't matter," the supreme leader pointed out. "We have to do something; those guys look dangerous."

"I agree, they're not here to make friends, but we can't go warn the guards; the laundry room is between the bathroom and us," Pinica said.

"Darn, those stupid guards should be at their post to stop those intruders."

"Well, check the bathroom again; they should have finished by now, right?"

Trocco searched for the camera pointing at the bathroom, realizing that Pinica was avoiding looking.

"How are they doing?" Pinica asked, somewhat uncomfortable.

"They haven't finished yet, they're still peeing, still peeing... still... still... wow, they sure pee a lot, don't they? Is the image stuck? Oh no! Look, the one on the right is shaking already."

"Great!" Pinica said, daring to look, her expression turning more optimistic. "Now they can come out and take care of the intruders!"

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Invu said to Niche:

"You beat me fair and square, hahaha. Hey, I got another idea. What if we see who can go the farthest now?"

"Sure thing," Niche replied.

"Of course, I have the advantage, hahaha," Invu replied.

"Imbeciles! What the hell did you guys drink?! Stop playing and get out of there!" Trocco shouted, knowing they couldn't hear him.

"We have to do something, Trocco; those intruders will find us sooner or later," Pinica replied as they watched the intruders on the screen. "Look! They've blocked the bathroom; they know what they're doing! They know the guards are in there!"

Meanwhile, the intruders shared their ruthless plan.

"That Maraz guy will wet his pants; he won't be able to use the toilet, muahahaha!"

"I remind you we're here to unalive him," one of their companions said.

As Trocco watched the intruders with Pinica, he remembered something important: the palace's security system. Like any millionaire's house, the presidential palace was full of traps, especially in the hallway leading to the patrons' bedrooms. What? Your house doesn't have any traps? It's because you're not a millionaire.

"We have to activate those traps when they get close," the great leader Trocco pointed out.

"Great, what traps do we have?" Pinica asked, attentive.

"Watch closely," Trocco said. "Two of them are heading this way. What I'll do now is activate the dart trap; once they step on a certain tile, dozens of darts will shoot at them!"

Pinica watched attentively as two hooded figures entered the long hallway heading towards the bedrooms.

"And that's not all, Pinica," Trocco continued, as they watched the intruders approach with stealthy steps. "Each of those darts contains a potent venom that will make them die a painful death...in just forty eight hours!"

"You IDIOT!!! That's way too long! We need something now!" Pinica replied, as they watched the darts bury themselves into the intruders painfully but harmlessly (at least for the next forty seven hours).

"Okay, okay, let's see what you think of this! The second trap won't let them take another step! Look, the next trap is a super sticky substance that will fall on them once they advance a few more feet. When that glue falls on them, they'll be petrified!"

"Perfect, now that's more like it!" responded Pinica, feeling hopeful.

As Trocco was explaining the trap, the intruders were sharing some ideas, all while getting closer and closer to the tile that would trigger the glue.

"Man, those darts really hurt, especially the one that got me in the gun," noted the taller intruder, who seemed to be the one in charge.

"You mean your machine gun?" replied his shorter companion.

"No." the apparent leader curtly said, before being interrupted.

CLANK!

The ceiling above them rang out.

"Whew, that startled me! I thought it would be another trap, but nothing happened," said the shorter intruder as he continued forward.

Trocco stared at the screen in disbelief.

"What happened?" asked Pinica, starting to lose her patience.

"It seems the glue...got stuck," said Trocco, somewhat embarrassed.

"Do none of the traps work?!" Pinica asked, getting more and more agitated.

"There's still one left, it's the most lethal of all. I didn't think I'd have to resort to using it," said Trocco as he pressed the activation button.

Pinica impatiently watched the intruders advance to the tile of the final trap. The intruders moved cautiously, step by step trying to avoid further hazards. However, when they reached a certain point, without warning, they fell through an enormous dark hole that opened up in the floor.

"Awesome!" said Pinica. "What's down there? Acid? Chainsaws? A cannon shooting acidic chainsaws?"

"Something more lethal."

"Oh, I think I know what it is."

"That's right," said Trocco. "It's a cage of starving hyenas."

"I figured! That explains the strange laughter I heard at night a while back!"

"Yeah, haha, that was it..." Trocco replied, recalling a late night spent watching Adam Mandler movies (the super famous comic actor - what do you mean you don't know him?!)

"Wait, what's that?" Pinica asked alarmed, pointing at the screen. "It's a hand!"

"At the edge of the hole? I think there are actually two," said Trocco.

"What does this mean?!" said Pinica indignantly, watching the intruders emerge unscathed from the trap.

Meanwhile, the hooded figures commented:

"Wow, I've never seen anything like it - a trap of murderous skeletons!"

"You idiot, whatever was down there was already dead," replied the lead intruder.

Pinica looked at Trocco in disbelief and asked:

"And those hyenas...you fed them, right?"

Trocco remained silent as he searched his pockets.

"You didn't give them any food or water, did you?!" Pinica shouted, foaming at the mouth.

"Please Pinica, I have more important matters to attend to," Trocco answered, not paying much attention. "Besides, I thought if they were hungry they'd be more ferocious."

"No one can go a year without food!" Pinica reproached him, as she watched Trocco take out his wallet searching for something specific.

"Here it is! With this, even if they find us they won't be able to catch us," the great leader asserted.

"We still have hope? We can still be saved?" said Pinica, nearly delirious.

"That's right, you see this bag?" said Trocco, pointing to a small bag containing a whitish powder. "It has a special powder that when you inhale it..."

"You moron! I don't do that kind of stuff!" Pinica interrupted. "That's your last resort?" she continued with an anguished voice and a distant look. "We're doomed...those guys have giant machine guns, they're going to...to riddle us with bullets and...and the only thing you can think of is to get us high on coc..."

"Let me finish!" Trocco interjected. "This powder makes you invisible, look," he said as he inhaled some.

Within seconds his skin turned transparent and then, in an instant, only his floating clothes could be seen.

"That's the only problem with this, the clothes are still visible so in order for them not to discover us we have to take them off."

"No way am I doing that!" said Pinica with a visible look of discomfort.

"Well then...sucks for you!" Trocco replied as the remaining powder could be seen disappearing into the air. "We need to come up with a plan to take them down - SNIFF - these guys are definitely coming to this room - SNIFF - and you're still visible! SNIFF!"

"What do you suggest?" asked Pinica, while trying to think of something.

"I DON'T KNOW! I JUST KNOW I WANT TO FIGHT!" Trocco responded in a frenzied, violent manner.

Meanwhile, the hooded figures, aware they were close to the bedrooms, organized their attack:

"Man, those traps were crazy but it looks like we got past all of them."

"Let's split up," ordered the tall intruder. "You go to that room on the right and I'll go to the one at the end to finish off Maraz."

"They're coming!" said Pinica as she looked for a place to hide.

"Pini, I have a problem, I can't..." Trocco's voice could be heard with a concerned tone. "I can't see anything!"

"I have an idea for how we can use your invisibility, come here," said Pinica as she dragged Trocco by some part of his anatomy.

"Aaaagh don't pull me there!" Trocco complained.

"Ewww, my hand is all sticky now," Pinica responded, wiping her palm frantically.

"It's your fault dummy, you dragged me by the nose," Trocco replied, rubbing himself invisibly.

"Come on, stay here. And stay quiet." Said Pinica while positioning Trocco next to the door. "I'll stay in front of the door as a decoy. When the intruder enters, you'll sneak up behind him without being noticed and put him in a jiu-jitsu hold, neutralize him, and we'll take his weapon," Pinica detailed.

"That's a stupidly risky idea. Let's do it!" said Trocco decisively.

"Alright! High five," said Pinica, launching her palm in the air and smacking the invisible Trocco in the face.

"Ouch! I can't see, remember?" said Trocco.

"Right, will you be able to do this?" Pinica asked.

"Don't worry, with years of training I can follow my instinct. Just don't expose yourself too much, I don't want you getting shot sis," said Trocco in a serious tone.

The siblings waited in position for the intruder's imminent arrival. There was an eerie silence. Suddenly, the doorknob turned and the door slowly opened as a dark figure peeked in. The intruder soon burst in forcefully, aiming his weapon.

"Freeze! Hands up! Umm...identify yourself!" said the intruder with some hesitation.

"I'm not Pinica Maraz Mr. Terrorist, please don't shoot," said Pinica with her arms raised.

"Hmmm, that's what Pinica would say..." said the masked man, wavering. "Well...I'm going to shoot...I think...sorry, it's my first time doing thi-"

Suddenly the intruder stiffened.

"Drop the weapon you filthy animal," Trocco's voice was heard. "Drop the weapon or I'll shoot!" Trocco yelled, having stealthily approached the intruder and immobilized him from behind.

"Awesome!" thought Pinica, hiding behind a piece of furniture. "The terrorist doesn't know Trocco has nothing to shoot with!"

"What the hell!" the intruder responded, barely able to breathe. "I can't move! And why do I feel something poking my thigh?"

"I said drop the weapon!" Trocco replied menacingly, applying an invisible hold.

"Aaaagh!" the intruder screamed in pain as he fell to the ground contorted in an unnatural position, firing off thirty bullets from his weapon into the ceiling in the process.

"You did it brother, you're the best! You knocked him out cold!" said Pinica proudly, seeing the intruder on the floor with white eyes and foam coming out of his mouth. "Quick, grab the gun."

Trocco hurriedly felt around on the floor to pick up the rifle, quickly got up and ran trying to get closer to his sister, but ended up crashing into the wall.

"I'm over here, doofus! Quick, give me the gun before you hurt yourself," said Pinica from behind her furniture.

"Not so fast," said an unknown voice.

An imposing figure entered through the doorway.

"What happened to my partner? Why is there a gun floating in the air?" said the leader of the intruders.

Trembling but mustering his courage, Trocco aimed the weapon towards where he heard the lead intruder's voice.

"Say hello to God for me, you bastard!" he shouted as he pulled the trigger. But the gun fired off in a random direction, leaving everyone confused. Trocco was holding the rifle backwards.

"Hm! God? I don't believe in invisible beings. Well, with the small exception of fairies and leprechauns - those do exist!" noted the masked man, putting on infrared glasses to see what was going on. "Oh my God, an invisible man! What the hell? Maraz, is that you? And you're naked? In your sister's room? So in addition to being a tyrant you were also a pervert!"

"Wait a minute, I'm no tyrant," Trocco replied. "Hold on, can you...see me?"

"Enough talk, your time is up you damn exhibitionist," said the intruder as he prepared to pull the trigger.

At that moment, a canine figure leapt onto the hooded man, delivering a ferocious bite to his hand.

"OWWW! My hand!" yelped the intruder, shaking his bloodied stump.

Taking advantage of the intervention, Pinica ran and grabbed the weapon, aiming it at the suffering intruder's face.

"Hands up, well...um...hand up," said Pinica, resolute, finally getting the hooded man to surrender.

The dog present recognized where Trocco was and approached wagging its tail, with a bloody hand in its mouth.

"Well done Pinica! I don't know what you did but we won. Hey, but anyway, you don't have to go overboard like that, there's no need to humiliate them, I'll think of the punishment for these intruders myself."

"What are you talking about?" asked Pinica, perplexed.

"Why are you making them smell my butt?"

"That's Basilik you doofus, it's our dog. He saved us," Pinica replied with exasperation.

The siblings' conversation was soon interrupted by Niche and Invu, who came running into the room saying:

"Don't worry, we're here to save you!"

"You pair of idiots! You took longer than my grandma using an ATM!" Trocco complained.

"Where's the boss? I hear him nearby but I don't see him," asked Invu, puzzled.

"Boss, it seems you're cold," said Niche nonchalantly as he put on the infrared glasses he took from the intruder.

"Enough already! It's the last straw that you abandoned your posts, you useless pair. Invu, you're punished with no pay for a week!" yelled Trocco furiously.

"Sorry boss, but we were chasing the other intruder, there were three of them," said Niche.

"And where is he?"

"I said we chased him, not that we caught him," Niche clarified.

"I'll shove a grenade up your butts! Let's see if that makes you run faster!"

"But boss, you don't have any grenades on you. In fact, you don't have anything on you," Niche noted.

"Then I'll use whatever I have on hand!"

The guards' faces turned white with worry thinking about what would end up in their rear ends.

Taking advantage of the distraction, the intruders managed to sneak away.

"They're escaping, do something!" shouted Pinica.

The guards ran after them but the intruders jumped out a window. Invu and Niche looked at each other, stunned, realizing the intruders had vanished without a trace, left speechless by this fact. With more shame than honor they went to report to the supreme grand maximum leader who gave them a well-deserved prize for their performance.

"Invu, you're going a month without pay for this," Trocco sentenced, met by the resigned look of his guard.

Already heading to his room, Trocco commented in a serious tone:

"It's unacceptable that all the security failed. First thing tomorrow I'm taking action to fix this. Anyway, that's it for today, off to bed."

"Yes sir," said the guards, giving a military salute.

"Not you, you morons! Get to work!" Trocco finished, before disappearing...I mean, before going to sleep, you understand.

10 апреля 2024 г. 16:49 0 Отчет Добавить Подписаться
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Об авторе

Charlie Roberts Soy un escritor aficionado de humor absurdo. Empecé a escribir por la necesidad de explorar ideas creativas y ofrecer algo diferente, impulsado por la necesidad de compartir aquellas ideas locas que se me ocurren siempre. Me encanta crear historias que me hagan reir a mí y, espero, a mis lectores. Gracias por visitar mi perfil. ¡Espero disfrutes de mis historias! Los consejos tambien son bien recibidos.

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