"I hate you, all I want is to see you dead! You are not my........" Let's start from the beginning hey.
The perfect family that has it all. A mother, a father, three kids, a dog, a beautiful house, money and everything a young girl could dream of. It was that when I was a little kid. I often asked myself why my father would leave every time he came home, why was my brother resenting my father that way. I couldn't understand why things were the way they were. My mother always crying and always talking about how her heart was hurting. I didn't understand. Nothing made sense at that time.
My father would take us to Durban on holidays with these kids who looked like him. I asked him "father who exactly are these kids?" and he looked at me like I was supposed to know. And I knew yes but I didn't believe what they always told me. I thought that maybe they misunderstood, like maybe there's a simple explanation to all this. But no it was all clear from the beginning, just that I was being denial.By then I was not broken, my heart was pure and filled with light. I was not angry and hurt like how I am now.My mind could rest, and I knew how I could shut the voices in my head. But now it is all dark and lonely.
All the children represent themselves on how they are being treated and how they experience things. However, the way I understand the world, we are represented by elements. Thus, these elements are created by us. The way we correspond to our emotions. We have fire, that represents anger, hurt, weakness, rage, revenge and the most dangerous element I have experienced. Water, that represents calmness, humility, honor, peace and the friendliest element you could come across. These are the elements I have experienced and hopefully got attached with. However there is the one that not all of us possess but we do not have to find it because we are born with it. And that element is Earth, the ability to be fearless, have strength, be yourself, have courage and confidence.
As little as I could remember, I have been holding on to the anger my father created a long time ago that affected his kids. Well, I don't know about the others and so I mean not my mothers kids, but my siblings have experienced that and overcame the pressure. Now it's up to me to see whether I will overcome it or am I slowly pushing the generation forward. The depressing story of my family is not what I want to talk about but the lessons and people I came across in life.
Fire is what represents me currently. I wish I could be represented but water, but it is harder than I thought. Nevertheless, what came is not what I expected nor what I was hoping for. So this is how it all started and how I got the "fire element".
In a room I thought was my abditory my brother came after I disrespected my mother and said things I didn't mean. "How dare you say that you think you're the only person going through the most here? Do you know how your mother suffers every night just because of you, because of us. Your father left you after you were born in the hospital while your mother was lying in a hospital bed fighting for her life just to see us grow up. Your father cheated on your mother with many woman making her the laughingstock. Do you think your mother is worthless? Your father came home one night drunk while your mother was busy breastfeeding you and beating her while she felt the pain just for protecting you. And yet you still call your father as if he is going to be there for you. Listen to me even if you are in a deathbed he would never come. Do you really think your father loves you? Your mother is busy fighting for her life, and you are here not being grateful? How dare you? Your mother cries every single night, getting sick now and again because of what you say is a "father" does. We have no money and your father would never give your struggling mother a single penny, and yet your mother still manages to bring food to the table. Open your eyes and always stay on your mother's side. Or go and please your worthless father who has nothing but curses." My brother said to me.
Such painful words that still repeat themselves whenever I think about my father. How spifflicating.
My anger started from that moment of fear. Hearing my mother talk about him and how he treated her only added fuel to the fire. I never wanted to calm myself. I never wanted to forgive my father. I never wanted to see my mother cry because of my father, but that is often now. My heart gets broken silently whenever they bring his name to the table. The drop of blood falls soundlessly whenever my mother cries. It doesn't hurt no, physically nor emotionally I cannot feel pain, but I know I will. I never wanted anything but to bring distraction upon his life, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. And only he can bring pain to my mother, I wonder if he knows what he is doing only makes us hate him even more, to precise I am talking about my mothers kids, the other ones are still in a happy family situation while we are breaking and struggling to rise up like the day. I wouldn't be scared if he was watching me. I would want him to watch more and see that even without him we can still survive.
Firstly I thought everything was okay. As young as I could remember I thought things were fine, I mean yes I used to hear my dad shouting at my mom but I though that is what couples do right? That maybe mom and dad would be fine, they would still be happy regardless of anything, despite the obstacles they were facing, besides the other wife and kids, maybe they are soulmates. But i was just a kid back then. I only looked at one view, understood things according to my moms perspective. But you cannot fix what is broken, and the painful part is that it was broken long before I was even introduced to this world. As I grew up, I saw my mothers heart crack in every angle, I used to listen to her soundless cry every night my father came home, throwing words at her like they mean nothing. But in spite of the cracks in her ring marriage, she still forced herself, she still loved him like when she was 17 years old, she still believed in him. Until 2012 when my dad filed for divorce. I loved my dad, but I didn't like what he was doing to mom. But what more could I do. Well the good thing is it didn't happen, well not that year. When I was 12, I already accepted the fact that he is not coming back, like ever. That he did not love my mom. But I still had my doubts, until the man decided to have money and go to the lawyer to file for divorce on a woman who you made 3 kids with, who has depression and heart failure and you know pretty much well that she loves you. If there was not a definition of stupidity in this world, I would probably use this one.
This is where I started to have a fire soul, started having nightmares, hearing voices in my head in the light and the dark. Struggling with knowing who I am and finding my purpose. But nobody knew this could affect me, I was always chilled and talked less about it, little did I know it was eating me and setting it's own wood and a fire place inside my soul. I hoped it was the beginning of everything. And I know the end will be a strike of lightning.
"you're not enough, try hard enough to please them, no you're not one of them, watch yourself die, living is not your purpose. your worthless, everyone hates you, fix yourself, and we will break you again." The voices in my head keep whispering these words in my mind. Leading me to darkness. And I was slowly going in, I found it peaceful and welcoming. But no one could accept me when I was that way. No one could understand me when I was like that. They act like they understood but truth be told they did not understand.
Mother wants me to be a perfect princess and respect those who are around me. Brother wants me to be strong and fearless. Sister wants my respect and kindness. My family thinks am a nobody, well I assumed. I never fit in when we are all together, I just feel like am forcing things and forcing people to bond and love each other. At the end of the day, I would be laying on a bed and crying myself to sleep. Letting the demons whisper sinful words telling me that I am not enough, and I am obviously a burden. To all humankind. In the morning I would wake up with a heavy heart and not know what to do after. The bed will stick to me, and I would not get out of bed until I figured out how I am going to survive the day. Tears would be filled like an ocean and never flow. The last day I see them would probably be the day I let out the tears and the burdens I carried. That is how often this would happen. Sometimes I would feel like am faded or lost. If I tell my mother, it would be like am just causing her more pain and she would overthink things. If I tell my brother, he wouldn't listen even if I said a word. If I tell my sister she would say I am a child, and they too experienced the same thing. In other words, my sister takes it as a complait. I know that if they read this it would probably be like an offence and to be honest it is not. It is how I feel and see things. And obviously what I tried to do and saw the comebacks. And those are the comebacks. So, whenever I feel like the universe is punishing me or disowning me, I keep it to myself and struggle alone. Life has become a burden to me.
I tend to meet people who are broken just like me. My job or some sort of a responsibility is to heal those people. However, I met this person I assumed was my twin from my past life, I know it sounds stupid, but we'll get on that afterward. She told me these stories and apparently this boy is broken as I am, and he is more to that. He holds the things that I always keep. He knows me like he is supposed to. He knows how to comfort me and bring love and peace upon my life. I really don't know how but he is just so......what's the word......amicable and precious to me. He would never let me fall nor let me break. He is a person with many personalities, he is not the same to everyone he meets, never friendly, not sweet, not affectionate nor down to earth to other people, as I have seen. But when it comes to me, he would beat a person to death if I was hurt. He is overprotective and very sweet when it comes to me. Like a villain in a movie that would tear the world apart if anything ever happened to his lover. He is that. Like in the movie AFTER where they said "he is more myself than I am, whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." And funny thing is he is not perfect nor imperfect, he is broken, a monster who blames everyone for everything that happened to him. A devil in disguise. Evil as Lord Morningstar but sweet to me as a baby. The world I deserve. Till what's so ever.
Cordelia
