I am the light that never goes out Подписаться

I have been pondering myself about the question "If you could go back in time and change only one thing, what would you change and why?". And believe or not, I haven't been able to come up with a conclusion which is absolutely astonishing because it's usually not that hard for me to figure something out. Even more when it's an answer about me and how I would deal with something. It's absurd, really! The way I do it is so simple and I can't believe my system failed me. Now I look like a fool who doesn't even know herself which is a really common thing for a teenager to go through but not me, not this teenager. My system is based on following steps, in order to get answers. Starting with the most basic part of the answer to the most intriguing and/or difficult. But this question, God, this question. It's so irritating not knowing even the most basic facts for an answer. I hate stupid essays with idiotic questions that any kid can lie about and get you all mesmerized with it. Ugh... I just wish charming people was one of my talents. But it's not, tragically.

I can only imagine how much people would love me if that were the case. They wouldn't be able not to. All my life I have hoped for that reality, but it has never happened and honestly I don't see it happening any time soon. Not to be a pessimist of course, which almost everyone says I am, especially when I try to open their eyes to the truths of this world, this sad old ruined world. I'm one of those persons who requires you to give them a second chance, look at them twice, I am the "don't judge a book by its cover" kind of deal. I am a nice person, I really am. It just takes time for other people to observe that kind of behavior development in me. I can't trust people easily, which shouldn't continue to be a problem since the therapy I've been doing and how hard I've been working on myself lately, but it continues to happen. It's a really not ideal situation, but it is what it is. We've been working on it though. Well, I have anyways.

I wish I was, though, this charming little person, that everybody would adore and smile at and... look at. Not only because of a guy, but not not because of a guy. Because maybe if I am this person, if I achieve these goals... he'd see me and perhaps he'd love what he sees. But he doesn't, instead he just looks at me like it irritates his eyes, like just me being in his peripheral vision makes him sick. What a jackass right? Like just because you're cute and hot and handsome, doesn't mean you have to be a total jerk. Only having those eyes should be enough for you to be content with anyone who comes across your way, because they wouldn't matter, all that would matter will be your eyes. However, at the same time, I kind of get it, because if I had those eyes and hair and body and face (my god his face), I wouldn't think twice about the people who get the privilege to come close to them. I'd take care of my status. Which is in its wholeness the shallowest concept I've ever had. Anyways, I'm way better on my own, no friends, no boys, no distractions. Better grades, better future, better amount of money I guess. At least that 's what my parents think. "No boys Trina, no boys until you get home with a degree. Then you go and have as many boys as you like". A direct quote from what my mom would say to me if she ever considered that I was about to enroll myself in the dating-in-highschool world. Which would never happen therefore this revealing of my SECRET desires for Charlie to look at me. But not just for him to look at me, for him to see me, to be interested in this little chaotic mess I am…

Having already confessed my deepest secret to you, I will continue to just keep pondering about this idiotic question. "If you could go back in time and change only one thing, what would you change and why?". Why would colleges want to know this? Now that's a good question I think. Nevermind I know why. Because they want to really get to know the kid. But I don't think that's true, in fact, I think they only want to not feel bad for not having considered the wonderful personalities a kid may show by answering this specific question in an essay even though their personalities and story background might NOT compensate for the unimaginable hard work some students put on academic work. I personally found this totally unbearable. Why would college take away this credit from people that work really hard on getting it?? They care enough to analyze personalities but not enough to check the hard work and commitment. Like what is that?

GOD I hate this part of my life, I wish I could just skip it. Go right to the happy one where I don't have to deal with this.

Everywhere I look is just not enough. I don't look like I'm enough. Do I have to be on the lookout for more? Super sad shit. High school then college then work then your life is complete, right? Biggest bullshit I have ever heard. It is incredibly hard to do everything so perfectly, to not have a break. Because your life has to be planned, it has to be perfect, otherwise you fail. Why on earth would I want a perfect life if I don't get to live it???

Then I hear a knock on my door.

“Trina, can I come in?” That would be my little sister Mia. She's ten and very lucky to not face half the pressure I do... Yet. “I wanted to show you this drawing I made of us.”

“Okay sweetie, come in”

She opens the door slowly like doubting if by doing it faster she might make this sister-bond-moment go away. She walks up to me, also slowly and carefully, and then she says:

“Okay, here it is. It is us on the beach, do you see?” It is in fact us on the beach, it's from the day we couldn't get more of mom and dad's fighting so we escape to the beach. We saw the prettiest sundown and she was able to capture it all in this amazing picture. She is really good at drawing. It's made with watercolors and it looks pretty damn great. “I'm not sure if the details are good enough, but I like the way the sea looks. What do you think?” She says it like I would know how to paint this correctly, I wouldn't. I'm awful at drawing and even more at painting. I could never do it not the way she did it, so precise and at the same time not as much so that you wouldn't get the whole picture. She did it precisely enough so that you could notice every part separately and in its entirety.

“Sweetie” I say “you couldn't have possibly done it any more perfectly. It's lovely, can I have it?” She gives it to me again slowly and extra carefully so that she doesn't damage it in the way to my hands. I grab it with the same delicacy. It's gorgeous up close. I can tell how we were holding hands while looking at the sea. My hair flowing with wind while hers is picked up in a beautifully done (by me) braid. It's just perfect. I leave it on my desk while I look in its drawer for a double sided tape. I hang it on my wall next to a few pictures of us and more drawings that she's made me.

“Thank you so much for giving me this gorgeous drawing. I really appreciate sweetie.”

“You're welcome” She says with the biggest smile. The one who helps me sleep at night. Because her happiness over all it's what keeps me on my feet.

She leaves my bedroom with a little excited laugh that I adore.

And now the moment's over, the distraction is gone. And I can't get away from the idea that I have to actually answer this question so that all the pressure that is on me, doesn't go to her. Because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if it happened that way.

And so it begins, I start thinking too much, too fast. Everything gets blurry, I start heavily breathing. Because all the oxygen I inspire doesn't seem to be enough. And I start crying, it seems like the end of the world. Until I remember the emergency system I have for whenever this happens. So I fastly look for my earphones, connect them, and turn them all the way up.

I listen to the start of the song, relying on the drums like a drug. Then come the lyrics:

“Take me out tonight…Where there's music and there's people…And they're young and alive”

And "The Smiths'' save the day again.