When we are little, we have dreams to one day grow up and become anything we want. I use to dream of becoming a veterinarian and curing all animals illnesses. When younger we really never had fears or even scars within, we were innocent and living the best life we could. Not every childs life was so innocent and some children developed their scars within at young ages. I was in middle school when I developed mine. I am hoping that telling this story is going to help others cope with their scars within and to know that there are better days to come. So what are scars? Scars are normally what you get from a cut are even a bruise. Scars within are scars that are caused by truma. My scars will last me a lifetime. When I was just a baby my really mother gave me up for adoption. There are many reasons why she told me, but I don't believe anything she had truly said. My first truma happened when I was in about seventh grade, when my brother would show me porn magazines that he kept in his closet in a box, he would open one up and do to me as the girl in the magazine was being done too, this was going on until my high school years. I use to come home to his friend laying naked on my bed. Those are just some of my scars within. Now I know some off you must of stopped reading by now or even wonder why I didn't do anything about this. Will for the most part I was in middle school and would freeze up everytime this happened and believed if I told my parents they would not believe me. See I was the adopted one and I never known if they were to believe anything I would tell them. There was a time I fought with my father and ran away. I did not run away alone I took my cousin and my friend with me. I remember it was super late and we walked through the metroparks, cut through the fairgrounds and got to a sports bar in Berea. We stopped and got something to drink and bumped into my cousin friend, who said we can stay at his place. Staying at his place made another scar within. When staying at his house I was raped, I was sixteen. I had delt with doctors, police, court, social workers and more. I became suicidal. After all that truma I developed issues with my stomach that went on for years and is still something I deal with now that I am an adult. My life has never been easy, but I tried to make the best of things. I always felt like I was living in a nightmare and that I would never wake up, I even tried to pinch myself to see if it all was a dream. Nope it was not a nightmare, but reality. My days as a child and pre teen, I learned to grow up fast. I used to have a neighbor friend that I loved hanging out with, we used to talk about so much, it all ended when he father started touching me sexually and paying like I was a whore. The scars within kept building and was never completely done. I do recall one time my father caught a man from church touch me sexually in the hot tub at the rec and my father snapped on him. My father was an amazing father, who loved me greatly, but also hurt me. My father caused some scars within, but not by touching me sexually, but by drinking himself to a point that it ended his marriage and even ended his life. My fathers death I did not take will, its like a huge part of me disappeared. After I lost my father I lost a sense of protection. I now was an adult, but when truma would strike I would freeze. More scars within developed through the years from sexually harrasement, to assult from an ex boyfriend and abuse. My life now is everything and more, I married and have a son, we just bought are home and though the scars within will never heal and the nightmares never die, I am a survivor and tougher because of the scars within. To those that been in my shoes you are never alone, writing about your scars helps with the healing process.
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