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The long road

Forth Word

The Long Road

By: LaRochelle Burger

"There is no such thing as Shame, Guilt and Fear for the One who walked Through Hell broke the chains, extinguished the flames and then blew the fucker to kingdom come...

Because They Own It !"

LaRochelle Burger

This book is Dedicated to:

The little girl deep within myself, I know it was hard and painful however in the end brown eyes we made it and found ourselves.

To my precious Isabella, Darling life has been filled with so many spectacular moments yet none has ever been as incredibly rare and for filling as the moments shared with you. A true Blue Diamond and my very own savior the call to my heart's yearning and the only being whom I love unconditionally. The light you shine my darling is pure and radiant and never ending. You are the light my beautiful girl. You are not just The sun you are and have always been my Moon.

For all the people who never stopped caring and believing in me, the many extraordinary unsung heroes who stood by me and inspired me. The ones who always kept an eye out for me and always waited with arms wide open for my return. The kind stranger who took a moment to greet me and the child who shared his sweets without any expectations or judgment, just innocent and pure love.

To my Doc (Dr. Musangai) for not giving up on me even when I gave up on myself. The elderly who so willingly shared their knowledge and wisdom with me. To my family for never stopping to fight and pray and look for me. Most of all my Dad.

To the soul who is still lost and the soul still seeks, for the voice that has been silenced and the one still trapped in fear. the being blinded by darkness and the one who refuses to listen. To each fighter still holding on and the warriors who made it through and the shares of Wisdom.

To the parents that are still haunted by the unknown and the families that have been torn apart. to the soul who lost its way and feels hopeless, faithless and alone, to the ones that are exhausted, weak and bruised. To those who feel useless, worthless, invisible and forgotten.

To the creators and the destroyers. To the sowers and the reapers. To the Believers and Non Believers.

This book is for the one who needs to receive a message that will change everything.

And to all the Fwetu who shared a very deep insight with me. Lyn en Geloof manskappe.

To those who helped me find my humanity again while lost wandering the streets and smelling like a dustbin. You shall hopefully one day also know your worth for you helped me find mine.

I made a promise to my Creator, my Higher Power, my God and by sharing this journey I hope to fulfill that promise ten fold. As most of all this book is for The Bru... I have no doubt nor conflict in my true understanding and undeniable experiences that a Creator exists and loves each one of us. I care not by which name you call Him or argue about who is wrong or right.

For the day that we fall to our knees calling out in desperation, we all call out to the same Creator.

“When we see ourselves in a situation which must be endured and gone through, it is best to make up our minds to it, meet it with firmness, and accommodate everything to it in the best way practicable. This lessens the evil; while fretting and fuming only serves to increase your own torments.”

– Thomas Jefferson

The Long Road

There she sat in silence again alone in the entrance of the Rooigat with her thoughts drifting worlds away. She was still trying to make sense of the darkness that her so-called friend Jack has been surrounded by the past few days, it just came so suddenly and unexpectedly. She sits and plays with the idea that he is just hiding something or wants to protect her, yet whatever has happened so far tells her that he is doing dark things and she has never meant anything to him other than a play thing. It's just too much to think about right now and she turns her attention to the water that always flows so quietly through the Rooigat. This place became her holy land her house as she calls it, then she puts her sore feet in the cool water while she is looking for veins to assist her in bringing her demons to a halt for a while with a packet of meth, she knows it is not the right thing to do but sometimes it is all that helps. As the meth takes Lara's breath away in seconds and all her senses flare up, she suddenly sees Jack in her mind's eye before her where he used to wash himself in the cool water of the Rooigat. Many times Lara sat watching him as the cool water slid over his strong arms and how he sometimes just became human again with every drop that spilled over his body ... Oh God how she misses that strong body right here next to her. With the shaking of her head, she left that reminiscence behind of the man who stole and broke her heart.

Lara is a young woman with a gentle soul and wild spirit that yearns to heal the world of its pain as there is one thing that she knows and that is pain. As her life's journey has been one of excruciating misunderstandings and deep dark misguided anger has taken her down roads that one should never have to walk especially alone and not for one so soft as silk and yet she is strong and has a fighting spirit that has helped her through the toughest of times and picked her up out of the darkest of gutters and holes. Her God never left her and Lara's faith has not always been strong yet kept her head above water.

Lara was born into a beautiful little girl but instead of buying a cot, the doctors told Lara's parents to buy a coffin because Lara was very ill. This is where Lara's first battle just to survive began. Surviving for Lara would become a lifestyle, her fighting spirit was her only true weapon and her incredible way of finding the beautiful in everything, a feature so rare but unique to Lara and a quality which later became her saving grace.

She has been through the darkest of places and no stranger to evil as going from being deadly ill, to losing her hearing then enduring sexual, physical and emotional abuse, drug addiction and a life of criminal activity that would have left many dead or lost however here where Lara now sits with the sun shining through her dark red hair and a tear on her cheek like a diamond glistening in the sun's rays, she is at peace within her soul for the first time in all her years even though her heart is broken her soul rests for the first time.

Who would ever think that the "Renaissance Girl'' who could have been part of the big corporate world with a salary that fears nothing, could find her inner peace in a world on the streets in a place that others think is dark and inferior is exactly where Lara saw the most beautiful wonders and found a blissfulness and faith deeper and more fulfilling than any money in the world could ever buy. Her nickname on the street is the light bearer and her number is 19 and her long road is different from that of the people and street children around her in many ways yet it is just as bitter, and as precious and important as any other souls there on the streets of a village run by the number gangs and the drug dealers. Yes there is a substantial amount of darkness in this town but sometimes Lara wonders if anyone sees the miraculous light edge which also shines around the dark village, the scenery and the assistance and care she experiences here daily. Lara found her place under the sun and now wants to enjoy peace and quiet together with the daily struggles of making money for food and soap and indulging in the comfort of the small package of empty promises every now and then.Then spending wonderful hours of openly and loudly talking to her Creator in the glory of nature all around. Conversations that gave her power daily for whatever may come and insight to herself that guided her along the way. Her home here in the Rooigat has a water trench filled with mystical wonders that few will ever see or experience and it sometimes leaves her speechless and incredibly grateful that she was able to find this place and call it home. That the people openly accepted her and made her a part of their home.

The road that brought Lara to this point on her journey, was a road she took after a 14-year battle with heroin and the loss of her arm because of the heroin abuse. She lost so much because she became a slave to the empty promises of feeling nothing that the day she got up there was nothing Lara would not do to be free from her dark life. Her last attempt at suicide has finally put her on the miraculous path of true Freedom peace and tranquility that Lara has longed for all her life. Yes, the light bearer found her light and is now shining brighter than ever. Lara sees how the sun is starting to turn and can hear in the traffic up build of noise that it is time for the people to come home. She had a surprise for them all today and decided to cook before the sermon began. She got up and her head turned a little from the meth and she had to straighten herself out, then get the wood and get the fire started. Everything is already in place and waiting to be cooked after Lara went to buy a few things this morning with some money she kept that a friendly man blessed her with the day before. Two whole chickens, some small potatoes, carrots and rice ready to be transformed into a delicious simple meal for those she so much respected and cared for. Men who live together in the Rooigat who opened their world to her and look after her in so many other ways. Men who are in her eyes more than just their number but each a unique person with so much insight and knowledge that can also teach her and help with insight and wisdom which she may need on her journey to move forward in life.

Lara scratched in her pocket again for her lighter and lit a cigarette before putting on a more appropriate shirt, and heard the first greetings as the men came down, Hosh, and she answered back, Hosh, who are you ? The answer was given and all to say that it was safe for them to enter. Lara always felt so arrogant in those moments when she is the only one down there and gets to give permission in a sense, for those who seek entrance to continue. Lara likes to pretend that the Rooigat belongs to her and the fwetu's residing there alongside her are her soldiers, yet in many ways this is almost how it really came to be. As she puts on the water for the food and coffee the men arrive one by one, they sit down around the fire and tell her all about their day and how they cannot wait for dinner, she just laughs and assures them that they definitely deserve it and also told them that however quiet and calm it may have been, it was a long day for her so alone here, for a place normally busy it was strange to have no one come by at all.

Mongesi, a fwetu , a true soldier of gold and a true friend to Lara, just wanted to make sure that the heartbreaker Lara's weakness, Jack did not come near her today, she smiles and assures him that that man was not close today, although she did not tell her good friend that she once again shed tears over Jack and would give anything to see him, that she sat and listened for hours hoping to just hear his voice calling her as he did "sweetness" that's what he always called her before things changed. She also does not say anything about her nostalgic moments of remembering how his hands felt on her body and how the thoughts of him still made her sad and it hurts. So much hurt that she can physically feel the pain when she takes a breath. Oh, Mongesi, you know Jack will not put his feet back here while you are here looking after me, you might just cut his throat, Lara says with a smile, but she also knows how much truth lies in those words.

The General is home and everyone is enjoying the wonderful dinner, then the fwetu's start arriving one by one because tonight is the tradition of the church and the Tree of Truth must be visited. Lara does not know if she can attend this sacred gathering as well tonight or not, but she will just wait for the General's vote to decide whether she will once again be able to have the honor of participating in this sacred ritual. Simultaneously, Lara is frightened and excited when she is granted a place and told that this is now her defining moment, her truth must be brought forward and the time has come for her to share her long road with the members of silver and gold, the soldiers of six, seven and eight. Her fears, her shame, her darkest times.

The Umamduli pipe is made and the pills (Mandrax) refined for the big and long evening ahead, Lara gets up in her house and takes out the pill she bought earlier if she was allowed to take part and another packet of meth because tonight nobody sleeps.

The General called Lara closer and with his strong hands on her shoulders, he asked her if she was ready for tonight to share the glass and wire of her ways and take them as witnesses at her moment of truth.

Will you Lara be strong, can you stand and testify to your knowledge and your light shining in the darkest of times, right here tonight? Yes, General I am ready she answers with a firm voice even though her whole body is shaking... She takes the pill and places it in the General's hand and says my share for tonight. He just smiles and shakes his head. General ? Yes, Lara, General you will not let me get lost in that darkness, please I never want to be blood-red in my life again...

Lara you know that everyone here will protect and watch over you, we shall not let you be harmed... Lara's fear is genuine not only for the consuming darkness that comes at night but also the spiritual darkness in which she has been stuck for years.

All the dark secrets and memories she has to reveal tonight... Softly Lara whispers a prayer, "please God stay with me tonight and open my heart but please do not let me fall back into that dark place..."

So they moved one by one into the Rooigat sacred tunnel and in the silence the seriousness of every soul there could be felt until the General spoke and each fwetu was asked to identify themselves until it came to Lara, at first she did not know what to say but as if instinctively she says, I'm Lara who walked in the blood red stained lands of darkness and found my way onto the snow white path of sunrise and light-bearer to all 'the General looked at her first surprised and then he said welcome to church and confession at the Tree of Truth.

It's time for the masks to come off and the vails to be lifted as the Umambuli pipe is lit and passed along so that each fwetu each soul gets a chance to smoke from the pipe. Lara was scared yet she smoked from the pipe and as if someone had lifted a curtain from her eyes, everyone around her looked different and the General's voice filled the atmosphere and encircled her as a strange calmness came over her.

Jack explained to her once about the secret of the Umamduli pipe. How it reveals the real person and takes the masks off yet she was never quite sure until now what he meant. Now here in front of her she experiences the real meaning of those words. It is as if you can see each person exactly for who and what they are. Right down to their bare souls.

Lara, it is time, you are standing here before the Tree of Truth before the soldiers of silver and gold in the land of sunrise, and it is time you gave your confession and allow us to be your witnesses the glass and wire of this moment and join you in dropping your mask. Lara swallowed hard and then after a moment that felt like a lifetime of silence, she began to tell her Long Road to silver and gold to those who can now see everything. Her full naked truth ...

I am Lara light bearer and Queen of London standing naked in front of you I should not have been, I fought from my first breath to walk on earth to show my light to the world.

I was not destined for a life of peace but a constant war against darkness a born warrior a soul who did not believe in giving up and one who did not make pain my enemy instead I made pain my friend. I have had more painful experience and carried more guilt upon my shoulders as I rise and fallen and risen again many times, but from strength to strength I grew with each challenge, paying not only in my blood but also with my spirit.


My truth starts on the day I was born and removed from my mother's womb as I took my first breath of life the doctors said I will die soon and wont survive, so I fought. That day, every cell in my body just refused to give up as it was not an option. My mother sat in the hospital for the first three years of my life in despair and tired on her knees begging her God to stop my suffering and just take me to heaven or heal me.

While my father drowned himself in his work because he could not handle seeing his daughter like that, powerless, connected to machines and pipes, seldom with a smile and mostly in pain.

God answered my mothers prayers and I was finally able to go home however I was still very sick and encountered many health problems. Sometimes the ear pain got so severe that I would empty the bottles of Ponston and Stopyn syrup from the fridge out of the bottle. That is probably where my addiction started and where I subconsciously drowned out not only the physical but also emotional pain with a bottle of syrup and many years later with a packet of poison (heroin)...

We were still staying in the correctional services flats Ilanga flats and there I found my very first friend. We often sang together pretending to be Roxette and Celine Dion. We held concerts and played hide-and-seek between the cars. She was my best and only friend then and even though my brother was there now he was still too small to play along with us. We were five years old and although my doctors visits and surgeries sometimes put a damper on our playing time it was always nice to be able to spend time together with her just being an ordinary child. She filled my days with long discussions about which of us sing best and what stories we would watch later.

#The First Touch

One afternoon, Anita's brother then seventeen took us into his room and closed the door behind him. I could see the fear in Anita's eyes but was not quite sure what was happening. He made us take off our clothes and then he started to touch and kiss us. The shock of what was happening made my body freeze in fear and I could not get a sound out. When he was done, he swore to kill us if we would say anything to anyone.

The beginning of that deadly and dark silence, never telling anyone, silence.

Things were never the same again. After probably the sixth or seventh episode of this, Anita just stopped being my friend and our carefree laughs no longer filled the hallways of the apartments.

I cried for a long time and for the first time in my life felt the loss of another human being. I also, for the first time in my life, fled into my own world in my head a world where I reigned alone without pain or fucked up people living with me, a world where I could eat ice cream and climb trees all day long, a world where all my friends were animals and I never have to worry that anyone would ever leave me behind.

Just leave me behind and forget that I existed. In my world I could say just what I wanted to whom I wanted and there was never silence.

Now that I think about it, I probably started building my Diamond (inner mind creation) at a very young age already, seeing that Holland (reality) had no real joy for me.

Grade one is approaching and I am so excited that I can hardly wait for my very first school uniform and two pigtails. I should have stayed with a daycare mother before and after school but that did not bother me much at that stage. The first week or two went great until the daycare mother's sixteen year old son decided he was taking notice of me now. In the morning on the way to the bus stop he started bullying me. He bumped me, hit and sometimes forced me to jump off heights even though I was scared to death and he also broke my new glasses and called me awful names. My child's heart was broken because I could not understand the cruel treatment and could not find any reason for what he was doing to me. I knew well enough to flee into my world at that time and in doing so I could eliminate him while he humiliated me in Holland.

# Second Touch

There was nothing special about that particular afternoon and to be honest I cannot really remember how he got me in his tent in the back of the yard but some of my greatest fears were born, cultivated and formed there.

The dead silence took control again. He made me pull off my panties and made me lie down in front of him with my legs open while he would push himself against me and put all kinds of stuff into me and sometimes let bugs he caught run over me and when I would try to shake them off he would punch me in the stomach, I did not dare to make a sound or cried.

Every second afternoon changed into every afternoon and still no one knew because after all I remain silent, I do not speak a word about the dark moments and just disappear back into my minds world with each episode of his torture.

In the meantime, I completely lost my hearing and did not tell anyone either, I adjusted very easily to the different environment I found myself in. So I started to read lips as needed and then went on normal although I was completely deaf for four months without anyone noticing, until my grade one teacher approached my mother and informed her that I did not listen to her in class and sat with my back to her.

My mother immediately took me for hearing tests and everyone's biggest fears came true. I was completely deaf and no one was sure they would get my hearing back.

I believe it was a dark time for my family, but my mother was a strong woman and ready for what would happen. She stood by her decision that even if I am deaf for the rest of my life, that I would still attend an ordinary school no matter what. She was not going to back down on this decision, which I have always been very grateful for.

Dr. Mike just gave me one look, shook his head and started to laugh, you are probably the most special little lady I have ever had the pleasure to meet.

Dr. Mike looked after me like his own daughter. for many years after regaining my hearing back, and was there for all my operations.

Oh, how do I miss that man ... a true angel from above ... He then operated on me and performed nothing but a miracle by restoring my hearing and rebuilding my ear bones from nothing. All the surgeries did take their toll on everyone around me but Dr. Mike was with me until my last surgery on my ears at 13 or 14.

He was always there with me before and after every surgery. I could ask him one question, anything I wanted to know before surgery and after surgery he would have my answer for me.

He did not forget once or did not return without an answer.

63 Sinus surgeries and 54 ear surgeries in total. Dr. Mike was there for them all. The final result plastic eardrums, plastic ear bones, half of my face my from my nose up wards all the cartilage was replaced by plastic and even my own ears are plastic.

After I was healthy again and ready to go back to school, I set out to protest to return to the day mother and her evil son but in vain. Fuck, why didn't I just talk about what that evil was doing to me.

Dead Silence, painful silence, fear-causing silence, not a word, never.

At home I was just myself and visiting Grandpa and Grandma on weekends, it was definitely my favorite time away from everything that I hated. Their home was my safe place, Grandpa my hero and Grandma there to be teased.

My grandfather and grandmother have been the most stable figures in my life since childhood and also the two people who taught me about unconditional love. I was and always will be my grandfather's brown eyed girl, his only granddaughter and our times together will always be with me and grandma with her 80 cigarettes and warm apple danish with vanilla ice cream at three o'clock in the morning.

My Alpha and Omega. God I miss them so much, their voices, their tight hugs and most of all my Grandpa's stories about all his adventures and Grandma's gentle but firm way of dealing with things. God, why did You have to take them away from me so painfully and quickly? I lost it completely after my grandfather's death and it was in those last few years that my heroin use became at its worst and I destroyed myself not only physically but also emotionally and also the people around me .

Grandpa helped me always stay calm and level headed, it is he who taught me that it does not matter what I do, I shall lower my head to no one or nothing because I am not better than another, but no one is better than I am.

To this day, I carry those words deep within me and really try to live by them. He also taught me about shooting and fishing. He taught me about knives and it became one of my other passions in life.

How to sharpen and oil them and what each specific blade is and does and how to use each knife effectively. He taught me about nature and how the universe keeps everything in order and that every animal and plant must be respected for their purpose and work they perform on earth. He also understood the laws of nature, that you never kill what you do not eat or more than you need because there must always be balance.This was another lesson he taught and explained to me.

It's just when it came to people that the rules changed a little bit in the sense that if you attack me I'm already dead and a dead man has nothing to lose so I fight and I don't stop fighting and anything can be a weapon.

He taught me not to freeze if I was scared but to react to always be aware of my surroundings back against the wall following the biggest rule, always knowing where all the exits are and that I always have to have more than one safe place where I can Call for help in a time of need.

Yes, I know it sounds wild but he has taught me this over the years and it is also part of the reason I could certainly survive many things and make it through hell at times.

This and my Grandpa and Grandma 's daily conversations at night with their Creator. They never gave up on me or their belief that I was something precious and meant to do incredible things for the Creator.

A tear slowly finds its way over Lara's cheek as she clears her throat to continue with her truth. The General stops her first and tells Lara to drink some water first, then the pipe will do its rounds again before she has to continue.

Lara only now realizes how each fwetu looks at her with a sadness in their eyes that she is not used to seeing in such hardened people who themselves had to survive through many dark times.

Lara took a long and deep drawing of the pipe and felt the thick chemical smoke filled her lungs and while her body became calm its what she now sees in front of her, that can not be possible yet every fwetu looks every like an animal that surely represents their soul and portrays their true self.

She sees Wolves with golden furs and red eyes, she sees silver elephants and big dogs and there is an owl and a rhino and then she even sees a meerkat or two but each animal carries a specific role which Lara will discover much later.

Suddenly, Lara wonders what she looks like to them and what animal she represents? The weather picked up and Lara smiled, because for her, thunder, lightning and rain are all her Creator's way of saying, He is still here. He hears her and stands with her. As a little girl, one night Lara slept with her grandfather and a storm came up and Lara was scared and that's when her grandfather told her that it was only God's way to show He is still there and He hears and sees us and therefore there is nothing to fear.

Lara finds courage to continue her truth with the miraculous rumble of the weather behind her. Almost like her own back up in the moment, Lara trembles deep inside her for fear, because she is so afraid that they will not accept her again after hearing and seeing her truth or that they will regard her as inferior and weak . Whatever happens, Lara knows the dark pain of their rejection is something she would be able to handle.

Pain is Her Game , Isn't It? Then Lara begins to tell her the truth about her long journey…

Now at the age of 8 years, me along with my mother, father and brother moved into our new home and I also changed schools, which meant I was finally free of that damn bastard child and his shit daycare mother . The moving was wonderful and held a lot of excitement for me, a whole lawn just for me and with a house comes of course a puppy a true friend.

A dog is the closest being and example of God that Lara would cherish and love for a very long time, because her relationship with the God she was taught in Sunday school has long since melted away in a darkness of hurt and desolation that Lara has felt so far.

Big people always said Jesus is always with me and takes care of me but where was he when I got hurt, why didn't He protect me? For a very long time, I believed that the Bible stories told to children do more harm than good that it only creates unnecessary rejection and fear in a child's heart that has nothing else to hold on to.(edit up to here)

The house was large and spacious and was located in a wonderful neighborhood and kept promises of joy and a new beginning. Little did I know about the hurt that awaited me just around the corner, after all the false promises and how dark the dream home would become . I still do not know exactly how my mother thundered so incredibly fast into the darkest depths without any signs or warning. My dad just came home one day and told me and my brother that my mom wouldn't go home for a while and stay in a hospital until she was better. Little did I know that the hospital was actually a madhouse and that my hard times were coming. I helped my dad where I could in the house and with my brother and so on. I remember clearly how one night our food would make pasta and mince but I could not get minced and then took hamburger patties and gemash for mince. Heaven alone knows what my children's heart thought but it was disgusting and even the dogs didn't want to eat it, so my dad just bought chores for us t6hat night and sometimes we still laugh about that brew. Before the tragedy of my dear mother who lost her piglets, I smidda together my brother to uncle and aunt rob cath next play Uncle rob tell showed our latest karate moves all SWAT teaches at school and together watched pigeons. Now I had to stand in for my mother who had just left, without saying goodbye without explanation and after almost a month away we could see her for the first time.

I was scared and did not know what to expect. On the way up, my dad explained to me and my brother that mum might look and talk a little differently but she is totally okay and can't wait to see us. My dad took us up to a table and then I saw her. Mom! It was my mother but when I looked into her eyes there was nothing more than an empty shell that didn't even look like she really wanted us there. My mother was away the woman who arranged ugly competitions who told funny jokes and could play with our children and still be pulled by a ring , the mother who was always so nice and neat the mother who always encouraged and made me reading dictionaries illuminated the mother who always smiled at her and always assisted me , where is my mother who always looked at me with such love and compassion. My Mom was gone and in her place a woman with deep sunken eyes and who can barely make sense of each other, a woman whose eyes are blank and dull is a woman I do not know and one who looks like the world on her shoulders sit.

I remember one night my mother cleaned the kitchen and a bee stung her finger. We didn't know she was very allergic to bees, so I followed her to the bathroom and suddenly my mother just fell over and her eyes started popping back in her head and I screamed for dad to help. I remember the panic in his voice, the fear in his eyes, and as I splashed my mother with water and tried to keep awake, I told my dad to call the ambulance. He gave them the address and said we suspect it was hiding and then gave me the phone while trying to keep my mother awake . It was raining that night, and I remember standing outside in the rain in the street and hoping with anxiety that the ambulance would hurry up and see me. The woman on the other side of the phone assured me they were with us now and when I heard their siren and saw lights I waved and screamed at them and opened our gate not to drive past. The ambulance men briefly followed me into the house to where my father was standing over my mother and immediately started helping my mother. We went to the hospital in the car and there the ambulance men waited for me and shook my hand and said I was a hero and I saved my mother's life. I received another acknowledgment from the fire chief for bravery and competence in an emergency situation. I was proud of myself for once in my life and felt so special because I was in the newspapers and everything . Ai and my mom were so proud of her little heroine but look what my mom looks like now and can she ever remember those moments?

Mom whispered to Lara as she slowly sat back against the wall of the hole and for a moment took a breath to bring herself back to the story. General show that they all but a break could take gan and fresh air must create gan. Lara feels her hand start to tremble and deep inside her is not only hurting her head but also a long, under angry rage and she makes her way outside to see the lightning that is still playfully jumping around the earth and becoming calm and then she digs for cigarettes in her business and puts her feet in the water. General put his hand on Lara's shoulder and gently told Lara how proud he was of her and that she just had to hold on and push through to the end. Lara nodded to him and looked up into eyes filled with so much care and yet there was a clear red glow where the white should be. Hell when they say the masks come off with the smoke from the pipe, they don't think Lara thinks to herself.

Lara quickly gets into her house to retrieve her packet of glass. She wants to get some energy again before continuing. There, under the full moon and lost flashes, in an open sky, Lara sits head to the bottom and begins to process her glass , " not too much " she continues to tell herself as if no one else is there to hear or see her. Mongesia steps closer and can see that the pipe has caught Lara a little harder than he expected, precisely because she is not really used to smoking pipe and sits down next to her and takes the glass with her and starts helping her get the concoction right while Lara looks for a vein that will accommodate her in the hour of painful and beautiful memories . Lara now looks up at Mongesia for the first time since he came to sit with her and there beside her in the glare of the moon and lightnings that brighten the sky instead of him , she sees a Massive big Wolf with crimson eyes and a fur of gold that shines bright and almost dazzling . Lara was not afraid because she knows that behind it all her friend's heart is so beautiful and he will never hurt her.

He is a soldier, a fearless and loyal soldier who believes like a child in what he stands for, a number a brotherhood for which he has already given up. It is a way of life, a brotherhood that runs within your veins and comes at an expensive price and every man here knows that once you are in, there is no way out again.

Lara smiled at mongesis and asked him if he knew what was going on with her pal after everyone had heard what a weakness she was sometimes when they got to know her biggest disgrace to hear her unforgivable sins being voiced .

He frowned and gave a deep and long sigh, then he looked Lara straight in the eye and said: My dear light bearer I wish I could only once show you each one's eyes here.

You are no weakling, you are a wonderful and precious gem so rare and unique one of a kind, a person so strong in spirit and being that it sometimes scares people and makes others jealous but your gentle and non judgmental heart is why people truly do not want to harm you and mostly just want to be near you . You are beautiful, your scars are only witness to your victories, your eyes hold so much compassion and yet a red glow from the times that you have darkened which also hurt you . You do not do something merely for recognition or treat anyone lesser than another. be and you get every person around you to feel important and accepted that's why people tend to find ways to be near you.

Lara you have a hard side a dark side that shows itself when you are truly hurting and start believing the world should feel that hurt too and that is when you destroy everything around you and near you and slowly kill yourself and others.

All that pain you already had to endure, the pain that paralyzed you and filled you with so much anger, doubt and lonely sadness is exactly what you put on others in the world if you go back into those hidden horror filled memories.

You may not always realize it but only you can handle it no one else can , because no one can do what you do and that pain that tortured you is now your friend, your driving force your reason to move forward .

Lara you came into our village with no knowledge of where you were or what would become of you and yet you put on a smile, treated each person with true kindness and great respect. you approached with no hidden agenda, no selfish

motives or cause to harm, only with kindness and true concern for another and this is not something that is seen or known to the outcasts and misfits who stays here.

From day one there was a light around you, and your light brought light to others as well. Lara finishes your testimony of truth here tonight, no matter what happens just speak your truth and you will step out from this holy place and burn like the sun. You can have faith in me that I shall not be leaving your side, not for a moment.

You can do it Lara and after tonight you never have to speak your full truth to anyone again unless you want to. You are so much more , so much stronger and so precious. Remember how a diamond is formed Lara, it is coal that has been placed under tremendous pressure and then transformed into a diamond and then grinded and refined in the most beautiful and most precious and strongest jewel. You Lara may be seen as a diamond still in the refining and shaping process however you are also not just any diamond you are a Blue Diamond, beautiful and very rare.

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Lara took the glass and felt her body found new life and suddenly felt all s hundred times more alive to her and every sense is more sensitive . The wind against her skin feels almost like a sheet that gently slides over her skin and the water flowing over her feet like the gentle caress of a mother's hand the smell of rain and pine trees fill her nose and she can almost taste the fresh air on her tongue . Lara Sit and look up at the heavens one last time and cry out loud, I am Lara light-bearer, Queen of London who walked through the crimson lands of sun below and then found my way to the bright white lands of sunrise where I will be a light carrier for everyone. I fear no pain nor darkness nor man, for my light will burn like the sun and The sun is infinite and fear nothing. The sudden cry of hope proclaiming let the silent Lara luitbors fall in the hole and each trooper's right, Salute ... They saw her and respect her and she to them.

Time to stand in front of the tree again, in Lara's mind's eye she can see this wonderful Tree of Truth, a large, thick trunk that stands tall and tall and proud with many branches spread out in all directions and with the most beautiful dense green forest leaves right around what each one shade and differentiate themselves offer before the tree dare to stand in the presence of witnesses, and on the ground you can clearly four duk strong roots see that almost exactly around the tree and into the ground sinks as four main veins flowing to human heart in your four heart chambers. So the Tree's strength lies in its foundation in its foundation. The heart a place that Lara also believes one's most precious and most wonderful part is your foundation and existence. Lara never looks at the outside of another, but looks for the inner to see the true person. The truth of each soul lies in their heart and soul and this is where Lara always begins to look before summing another up. She also believes that no matter how cruel or evil one is, that every person also possesses goodness within themselves, even though it is hardly visible .

Lara got up again, slowly exhaling the smoke from the pipe before continuing. My mother, well what was left of my mother, hurt my day deeply and I will never forget the pain in my father's eyes. My dad who is always so strong and even though his tongue is sharp like a two cutting sword and he sometimes broke hard on a human that day too and I could see it. We drove home quietly and I just started pretending nothing was wrong, I became quite an expert in pretending. My grandfather said years later that I'm a Great Pretender is like that song from Queen. Well that's a lot where I can be for you just what you need when you need it and do it so effortless , but it's not always such a good thing because by doing so I betray myself . As has been said in Shakespear's time; "The worst kind of Betrayel is Self Betrayel". After six months in the madhouse where my mother allowed them to shake her brains and became addicted to many pills , my mother had to come home but she did not, she found her own place in an apartment block in the city and a new boyfriend. Stephan, was his name and he drove so old Red Alfa Romeo I hate to this day every time I see one I want to kick him back. My brother and I usually went to my mother's on weekends at her new apartment. I will never forget the eatery across the street “Pigly Wigly” they always made the most delicious pizza. My dad and mom were fighting terribly at the time and it sometimes got physical, that's when I went out to my room and my brother in our room when the radio rock heart soda tons didn't have to hear the screams and blows and then I opened the window big and showed all the stars to the little brother and told his grandfather's stories. If I was sure all ' s was over and the nasty silence that after such violence-filled hours came was clear on the other side of the door, I opened and slowly came out. My Mum usually lay on her bed crying and my dad was complaining at home then I started cleaning sometimes pieces of glass sometimes blood and always a devastating and indescribable feeling of anger, pain and sadness that kindled in me like a whirlwind suppressed along with the tears that lay right behind my eyes. Not every weekend was bad and sometimes my mom took us to meet interesting people who were funny almost artificial souls, like the aunt with the ugly rabbit and I mean ugly rabbits as big as cats and fluffy like anything else. I remember the lady's explain Angora Haase and their farming with their hair for which there blankets etc . Made and that they are worth a lot of money. Then the muse excursions and wonderful moments of pizza eating together and talking nonsense if my mom wasn't pissed

Stephan was there almost every weekend and we drove around in his disgusting car and always found a way to get close to me , I just felt deep inside that something wasn't right for the man but couldn't say anything because I didn't want to still do not fight and trouble. I also did not want my mother to be even more unhappy just because I suddenly did not like Stephan. I was only nine years old when the pig helped himself to my little body. My mother slept all the pills she now so much drinking and boeta was watching a story and I was in my room to listen to music and to images recorded when he came and by ager cover themselves, he knew my mother would sleep deeply for a while. The fucking mess made me get up before wiping my hair off my face , NO! I scream deep inside me but no words come out I stand frozen as he takes off my clothes then strokes my penis against my skin, he whispers softly in my ear “you are such a pretty girl but if you make a noise or anyone's then I kill your brother and mother ”He did not need to threaten me, I suffer from silence syndrome nothing's sickness. He pushed his hand over my mouth and forced himself into me the pain was unbearable but there were only tears streaming down my cheeks and when he complained to my stomach, the thunderous ass still bathed me and a pill too for the pain given. As if those pill real pain inner pain would k on w egneem. Although I don't think you ever thought about the terrible damage his actions did that day and the impact it would have on my life later.

It was the first and last time the mess would put my hands on me because after the episode I made sure he would never find me alone again and all his fucking gifts I broke or discarded. It is also during this time that I began to show a lot of aggression towards both my parents and spent an incredible amount of time on my own and disappeared more and more in my own world. Daydream is what the teacher said I was doing but in fact I was just trying to protect myself in a place I could control. My Diamond ... I'm not quite sure how or when exactly Stephan went missing, but I was just grateful he was gone. I later heard from my grandfather how he trapped a night for Stephan at my mother's apartment and his o or table smacked his belt with a knife cut off and told him very nicely to what will happen to him if he tracks make , and not disappear from our lives ... My grandfather was great in sending very subtle people in your nut or else to give you a very clear message. My grandfather was not a violent man but believed sometimes a hit or two was needed.

My parents remarried when I was ten and that day as wonderful as it should ge be the wax that may put their biggest vout in my eyes, I will never forget that day because I had outside the church and long treks took my Chesterfield light cigar cigarettes I stole from my dad in those days. Well d it always seemed to smoke him a job when he stress or just want to relax so when I decided to start well and just at the ripe age of ten, I became a thoroughbred Rooker. Life was pretty normal again for a while, which also means normal because in my house it was a lot of fighting, hospital visits for me and weekends my favorite time with grandpa and grandma with the family. As my grandfather's only granddaughters, I benefited greatly sometimes even though my grandfather was always a very fair man and equally loved by all our little children but to be honest I idolized my grandfather and stuck to his every word. He taught me to always BEW can be from my onmidlike environment and never just do not have to look out the cat out of the forest, to be always ready for anything, and most of all "Never Under estimate as your Opponent" and never to resist whatever comes or happens. He taught me right and wrong about the very delicate balance between the two and that I must always respect not only myself but other people no matter if they stay on the street or billionaires I treat everyone the same and then above all respect nature and my Creator. I'm honest I did n't even talk to my Creator for a long time unless I fought with Him ... Which I believe in a way kept Him close to me. My grandmother always said if someone said my name then ten thousand angels would jump right in to protect me and ten thousand more to fight for me….

I did well in school at that stage and loved sports and athletics and all those wonderful things but above all my story books and history were my favorite two time drives and then of course music. I started physically developing at 11 much faster than all my other school mates and soon got the nickname "Betty Boobs". I hated that nickname, but with the new nickname, e-cooking began to attract the attention of the older boys in the neighborhood. They all suddenly became very interested in me and I welcomed the attention because I thought it was great to be seen , alas I was still so stupid. At twelve, I started mixing with the wrong friends as people say, but I believe they were just as lost and alone as I was looking for acceptance and I where we belong… I started drinking crap and smoking marijuana with them and later also began to sniff glue. If only I knew ... at thirteen, I met Lourens who was just staying in the street above us at the cafe on the corner while playing pool with another girl from the neighborhood. By that time I was quite outspoken and very aware of how men look at me and although sex was not a thought, I played a very dangerous game by teasing men like swaying food before hunger luees and never thought about the consequences no.

Lourens was 18 and very attractive with his ornate young body, blubber skin, dark pitch black hair and deep blue eyes that could sometimes become almost translucent. I was completely mesmerized by him and couldn't believe that he was interested in me at all. He was very charming and just knew what to do and how to win it to win my trust and lure him into his dark world. I started school banking to sit with him and his friends in the Zulas and sniff gum and smoke marijuana. The Zulas were a piece of forest behind apartments that were just a short distance from our neighborhood. There were always people in there with some kind of unholiness and although it was very dangerous to go in there I often walked alone in the Zulas behind Lorens and for some reason nothing ever happened to me, no one ever tried to hurt or bother me even when I was sitting alone in the middle of the forest as high as a kite. I think I understand now why, now that your people have pointed it out to me. My light shining my protective angel others can see who is always with me even though I do not see him. Lara sits back down and takes a deep breath, the general instructs the pipe to do its round again before Lara can continue. As the General pulls the pipe he looks straight at Lara almost as if he is looking deep inside her soul , very deep inside her soul ... Lara feels very self-conscious for a moment but shakes that feeling and takes a deep breath as her heart starts to slow down and the weight that was pushing down on her shoulders in the very beginning was now beginning to feel lighter as she shared her truth.

The people once told Lara what they mean by having a light around her and also telling her about the massive big man who always walks with her especially in the evening you will see him walking right behind her and sometimes just in front of her see if she wants to turn down a street. They explained to Laraver that when she slept with Jack in the park at the time and they would pass it, it was as if the sun was just shining on her and completely relieving her, which is why no one ever touched her even when she was sleeping alone while Jack gan Google and Search have been in the streets until then. Lara was never really afraid to sleep there alone and not to walk alone at night in the streets where there really much danger did not wait at every turn. In the beginning, Lara only shook her head as the people would say, but over time she realized that throughout her life there were unexplained episodes where she should have been dead or hurt a lot and yet nothing ever happened to her truly as if she hated her own protection angel her life through. Jack regularly talked to her about being a light carrier and how she just had to get up again and realize how wonderful she really is and make her light shine again so that others can find the path to enmity. Jack reminded her how much she was actually doing to others and showed her that she was worth something, so much more than she will ever know. He made her feel again that she is still a woman and a beautiful woman, regardless of the brands of Battle Scars as Lara calls it that her body went through and despite the fact that she has only one arm she is still a whole person and like In Lara's nature one would not be able to say that she has only one arm because she does everything for herself without difficulty or complain and this has been admired by many people of Lara. Lara just believed if you brought something about yourself you can't cry and complain about it but you have to carry your consequences upside down and that's just how it is. One of those hard life lessons that Lara had to learn the hard way, like so many other hard lessons life taught her. Lara's often saying to herself "Shit Happens however Life Goes On" so you sit and cry about what's happening to you or do you get up and do something about it? Lara the Fighter rock, unbreakable though she sometimes cracks, Lara won't break…

The pipe comes to her and she takes one deep long breath of the thick chemical smoke until her lungs feel like they want to burst and then she holds the smoke in for as long as possible for a moment it feels to Lara or she is under anesthesia again that calm stink of heavy feeling that comes over you just before that dead sleep is what Lara feels now and then a sudden wake from her entire body as the wind blows playfully through her hair and caresses her cheek. Then the miraculous blow of the thunder that Lara just has to give up . Her eyes glide over the men who are now either silver or gold in color and yet there is a beauty in each one's face. It is only mongesis that still maintains its Wolf form here beside her. Lara's eyes meet the general sense and he shows that she may continue with her story.

Well without letting me know there were a lot of eyes watching me that time together in Lourens and in the Zulas. Now that I think about my life there are eyes on me that I wasn't aware of until something happened or until they finally approached me . Anyway, I got into a bunch of men one morning and as always greeted them well in passing and that's when the one guy stopped me and looked me in and asked me in a deep but soft voice what I was looking for the Zulas what do I do in a place like the Zulas? Then, for the first time in my life, he told me those words that I hated for a very long time to hear from so many people in my life. What are you looking for here ? You don't belong here! " You don't belong here! Those fucking words haunted me like a ghost throughout my life. I just walked away and without thinking of those words again, Lourens sniffed their glue together until I no longer knew if I was coming or going. My parents and I were fighting regularly and I out at night, sneaking around together Lourens to visit their and high touch before I got back in the morning hours by the window and not as if nothing ever happened in my bed and I all night in my bed was. I hated one day with my mother for not being good and my unacceptable behavior. I did that morning instead of school gan to Lourens's house gone and

the I stayed for three days. Nobody knew where I was and even though I was literally just a block from my own home, no one could find me . Those three days are a lot of total fucking white because I was so gummed, benzene and heaven alone know what else , that I can't remember much but I do know that Lourens raped me when I was so out of it and of the other guys also helped themselves but it didn't bother me a bit whether it was the chemicals and drinks or just the fact that I believed in anyway that's all I was good for I'm not sure, Shit Happens or how did I say? On day three I think it was around noon bars to police in to the room where I have Dr. i e days are open and high. I literally got my piss bitter when that big policeman knocked on the door and helped me up and first told me in a hard voice how much trouble I was in and had no idea how many people were looking for me and what my parents put me through has??? Then I saw just how the other constable Lourens got off his feet and almost kicked him too before he joined us in the police vehicle. Thirteen and my first ride in a police vehicle, little knowing how many times I would end up in such a situation.

When the police walked into my house almost all my family sat there and then my eye caught a familiar face but one that did not belong in my house. Am I still high because what is the local prostitute in my house looking for ? The police put me down first and the officer gave me some warning and then looked at me in a softer voice and said “you are such a beautiful girl what are you doing there? You don't belong together like that scum. ” Then she approached the prostitute who had been watching me for weeks without even knowing it. She sat down in front of me and lifted my chin so I had to look her in the eye as she talked to me. Her words' importance and truth only struck me much later in my life, and the sad fact is if only when I had already listened to that woman did she really care and know what she was talking about other than to think I knew better, well let's just say that many in my life would be different, definitely much less pain and bad luck. She told me that when she heard that they were looking for me, her heart immediately sunk into her shoes because she thought I might be dead in the Zulas and why she had not warned me earlier if my parents were coming with me is not. She told me exactly how to do unthinkable things day in and day out with disgusting men just to support her habit and support her family and how she also started doing things at a young age but I have something that she did not hate a family that loves me a good home and most of all a second chance to start over again before it is really late for me, although with a deeper and more serious voice she told me that if I not change and take another path I will end up like his or even worse…. Then there was the usual nonsense of family talking and so on and so on. My grandfather just gave me a hug and then said to me "brown-eyed girl boy you are worth so much more than that, please don't frighten me again."

I then got myself ready and started concentrating on school work and staying off the streets. Things were a bit normal again for a while and there was almost a tranquility in the house again over the usual quarrel between my mom and dad. On the day of my 14th birthday, it was just my mom and Suzie helping our house at home and as usual the whole family phoned from the cape to timbato to congratulate them so I answered the house phone every time that day. It's just like the devil wanted it that day. The phone rang and I answered gan, and on the other hand is Lourens's voice that makes my body froze, I say immediately to him e k mother g not talk to him and think he to call me? I told homo m please me telos and never again to not call. My mom was standing at the door listening, though I'm not sure to this day what she thought she heard I didn't know it was definitely said , I barely put the phone down when my mom grabbed me and touched my hair to my room all the while screaming at me about how I am a good for nothing Rubbish who never left my shit and that I am only evil is a devil a mis crop that she should have killed long ago. And as she screamed , the blows all over my body with the belt she didn't want to stop or listen to what I wanted to say, she was like an obsessed man of anger and hatred and something I can't even describe. She hated an indescribable power and I couldn't fight her off and counted every blow as they rained down on me and then suddenly in one move she put the belt around my neck and started strangling me as she kept on me said that I am a mis crop that just has to die because I am nothing good I am just bad and I have to die. Fuck your rubbish! I hear over and over as I gasp for breath. Suddenly I hear Suzie's voice just screaming , no mommy , no ! you're gonna kill the kid and my mom's voice saying just yeah it's fucking rubbish. Then suddenly, relief from my mother's iron grasp, then just silence slammed into the room and Suzie slid my mother away. Suzie definitely saved my life that day but the damage was done. My mother's words jolted and ground through my soul and that was all I could hear. "I am a mis harvest n rubbish who is good for nothing and should rather die" That's what my own mother thinks of me and says so that stops me, she is right I am good for nothing and I will do everyone a favor if I I'd rather just die ... I stole my mother's Magnum44 out of the safe with a few patterns and locked myself in my room and there on my bed I pressed the unloaded weapon over my head and pulled the trigger as I cried quietly and tears wet my shirt. God, what else do you want to get my way? Why did You ever give me life if it was just accidental and painful? Well it stops here today Lord I can no longer.

That night neither me nor my mother talked about what had happened and when I was sure the whole house was asleep I slipped out again like old custom with the gun in a small handbag that I held tightly against my body. I walk up to a big old church building and there I sit on the stairs and start crying again. Lord, I started talking out loud what will you my off huh? Why do You let me live if it just hurts? God where were You when my children's innocence was taken from me? Where are you??? Why did you never protect me? Lord, what have you done to my mother and why should I take one more breath if it just hurts? Grandpa I am so sorry for what I am about to do but I just can not take it anymore, there is no hope or God for me, I whisper softly as if my grandfather is close and can hear me. while I wiping away tears and the gun loaded with that one pattern I for hours between my fingers rubbed that day is I on to walk park where I put an end to as gan, stop me and hurt me ... Coming at the park I constantly felt as if someone was watching me but there was not a soul in sight the air was cool and the streets inexplicably not even a cricket calling somewhere or a dog barking. I went back to look me around before I wanted to take that weapon while some of absolutely nowhere down a man approached me. I was not afraid at all and just stood there and stared at Him as he walked closer. Where he came from I will never be able to say because there was nobody and nothing there in that park until that moment. He hated a deep but soothing voice and asked me softly, what am I doing so late here alone and why am I crying? At first I said it was not his business and he just had to leave me alone. He put his hand gently placed on my shoulder and asked not just for a short while with me to sit until I feel better. I agreed and sat in silence beside the stranger, staring into the sky while the tears just kept flowing, he wiped my tears with one hand and then gently told me that the pain I was feeling was only temporary and that whatever brought me here is not worth it to hurt myself. How could he know? I just kept quiet that awful silence of mine ... Then he helped me up and took me back home . That way back home felt so long and with each step my feet felt heavier. I swallowed hard but he just looked at me and whispered it would be okay and before we walked into my gate looked me in the eye with his deep soulful eyes that almost glowed and looked at me with so much compassion and said goodbye to me , you are so special and so wonderfully precious please do not give up, you have a big job to rejoice you are still going to do great things. I won't be able to tell you what happened to him because the moment my father took me into the house he was just gone. Another great family story and I who just keep quiet. And all hours you are far down I outside sit on the stairs and my mother beside me. Then your little rubbish what did you do to yourself? You just have to say then I'll help your fist die, I swear I'll tie stones to your ankles and make you drown in the pool . You're just a fucking rubbish who brings nothing but misery into our home. I'm tired of you shit now ... my mother's voice began to sound more and more as I returned to my own world for the first time in a long time. Her threats hurts me as in Holland (reality) left while I floated on a cloud in my diamond my world where no one I can not hurt.

Lara takes another deep breath and begs the general for a break and he announces that everyone should take a moment because even though Lara thinks no one can see her hurt and the anger that swells inside her, there is a clear reddish glare in her. her eyes and a deep hurt in her voice ... she slowly moves out of the hole almost off balance but mongesis is behind her and helps her stand on her feet. Suddenly Lara felt the cool breeze against her fiery skin and saw the sharp shining flashes that made their appearance in all their might and glory over the pitch-black velvet soft sky. Then Lara descends next to the water that glistens so beautifully in the moonlight. For years she has experienced so many emotions, these old but well-known emotions, the crippling pain and anger that is rising from within her . Lara sank down the stream and put her feet in the cool water, imagining she was drifting away from all the memories that made her feel so much pain , she washed her face and then looked up at mongesis that had not left her at all. no. Mongesia my friend I do not know if I can go on? See Lara's case. Ai Lara I hear right, do you want to give up now? You never give up never submit not you here next put me and breathe while the whole universe knows you should ensure have been all substance. Now come my Queen I know you can do it. Her good friend encouraged her. Lara stood up and smiled at him and then said almost proudly No fear like the Sun or how do I say… Lara gan took two more coke from the water she used to keep cold there and sacrifice for the people to sacrifice themselves come help. The general looks at her with such admiration and she can feel their eyes on her. That's what she needs to stand strong and prove to them that Lara may be cracking but she never breaks.

She quickly got into her house and fetched her last packet of glass. Lara knows she has to slowly, but for now she needs to get energy. She'll make sure that mongesis keeps her away from all the nonsense and drugs for the rest of the month before she really spirals out of control again and into that dark crimson world. In any case, Lara no longer has veins to support her habit. Lara gan sits in the moonlight whispering under her breath, Grandpa I miss you ... as the glass flares in her veins and her breath blows away and her body begins to tremble almost rhythmically Lara closes her eyes and lets her other senses take over and return her take a memory when she just came into town a week after she landed here Lara birthday she left and went to buy herself a cupcake and coffee and on the way back shelter then she walked past a young man walking alone on the sidewalk and she couldn't help but look at him again, there was just something about him that made Lara secretly yearn for him. Later that same afternoon she went back to that street where most of the street people usually gather in front of the other shelter, and there on the wall she saw the young man sitting again and just like Lara but she approached him and with him start chatting. She actually offered him 2min noodles of all things and his smile made her feel warm inside her. His voice soft deep and strong hands strong but you ka a clearly see those hands already caused pain and his eyes so gentle but so much pain that lies behind so much compassion. Riaan was his name and although much younger than Lara, he was very mature and such a beautiful soul. Lara was not sure if she would see him again, but suddenly everything more not so bad alike. She jumps around in her mind and suddenly misses Riaan so much he was a light to her in a very dark time and she hurt him so much about her own insecurities and fears.

Lara, lara , it's time to go back to the mongesis suddenly here next to Lara. The general waits for everyone to take their place and then he tells everyone that even though the sunrise comes they will give me a chance to finish no one will go until we are done, because he knows that if I do not finish and I delay never finish and fall into darkness. Everyone agreed and answered like one man Salute. Lara cleared her throat and began to tell further. Three days after talking to my mother, I drank all the pills in the house and hid the boxes so that no one would know what to treat me in time would find me and cut my wrists. A girl from school came to visit us for no reason and found me. She called the ambulance and the last thing I can remember is the ambulance man's voice whispering softly "Please Lord she is still so young" and that was the last I remember of it. At the hospital, I was pronounced dead and thrown the sheet over me until my mom hit my chest and I apparently started to breathe again and my heart started beating again . I was fired a few days later and sent to Denmar. I will never forget that car rut with my father and grandfather. There was a silence in the car that cut through my soul. When my grandfather and father left me there and I watched them walk away, something happened inside me that day. I was there for about two months before I could go home again. As always, my family just went back to normal as if nothing had ever happened. It has always been a wonderful gift and incredible curse that my family to just Tegan as if there never was vout was to begin with. Yet behind closed doors there were many dark secrets and hurts hidden. I went back to school and always did well academically and started playing hockey even though my parents never even attended one game, it has never really been their thing now that I think about it. On weekends I spent at the primary school's rugby field with the neighborhood guys with hot beer and cricket matches that I didn't understand at first but I could stop a socket like little and get lost in those moments of Freedom and carefree. I talked to a psychologist on a weekly basis and actually just sat and bullshit until I started seeing William. A brilliant psychologist who did not take my shit, as much as I cursed and enjoyed a cigarette together. He really started helping me and my parents said that I apparently super intelligent and sometimes not so great as it seems because I also very extreme personality and what it boils down to is da twat I ever do in life or experience I will take to extremes and when I experience something emotionally it feels to me a hundred times more than others. I also have a very twisted perception of the world and although I have a very soft heart I can just as well turn and froze against one to protect myself or to try to exercise my idea of justice.

The solution? Accept that I will not always live as the world lays it out and that I will always swim upstream and have a very strong personality that can intimidate others at times. After that whole revelation , I often wondered if I was so fucking smart how is it that sometimes I can feel so fucking stupid and why should I always want to take everything to the limit. " Going for gold makes the consequences worthwhile !" was my motto still is. At twelve, I started working with my dad on his cars just to be closer to him and then developed a passion for it for a love of old cars and speed. There is nothing that my father could not fix, and I sat and watched him for many days when he fixed something and how it almost gave him calm even though I could often hear a rocket or thunderbolt thunderbolt between chopping and turn screws back. It is precisely this unusual passion for a girl child that also made it easier for me to talk to boys than to girls. I've never really been the girly girl type even though my mom tried so hard. I was most comfortable in a jean boots and a strapless top or t-shirt and I still am. I enjoyed school but never really hated a solid friends group, and if I didn't spend my breaks trying to get some lost soul out of the bathroom and sit between others, I hovered between everyone until I complained has. The rugby guys just wanted me for sex the nerds to write for their fantasies at a price of course and the druggies well what can i say has always been my favorite bunch then the puppies or popular girls just wanted me when it was time for the debate competitions andes they absolutely hated me. I was literally something of everything and someone for everyone. Deep inside me I was just alone and lost looking for a ple k where I belong.

I was 15 and particularly beautiful or so I heard because I could never see it myself. I became ill with bronchitis and my parents took me to the hospital's emergency room where I met Dr. Du Toit should have. He had me admitted and started to build a very intimate and inappropriate relationship with me during that week in the hospital. He was a very attractive man and made me feel so important and smart. I shared so much of myself with him and he again talked to me about good things that were not at all appropriate between a doctor and patient . On the day of my dismissal, he persuaded my parents da thy me every weekend to pick up and just talk to me because he knew I was a problem child and he just wants to help me. Greatest bullshit story ever. He was only trying to be groom me for his own sick fantasy. What right-thinking man of 34 married to two children can hang out with a 15-year-old girl this weekend and weekend? Vok wishes I then asked that question… he took me to expensive restaurants and bought me drinks and sacrificed painkillers while we talked for hours about everything under the sun from architecture and cars to history and medical breakthroughs and even faith. He bought me CDs and any book that my heart desired and could never tell me how beautiful I really am and how I make him feel so good. He also told me a lot about how I am so much more mature than my years and that he can listen and watch me for hours. I even went to buy him gifts for his children . I trusted him very much and shared so much with myself that it went on like this for about three months and by that time I was already completely slave to the pain pills for up to a hundred a day and he was my drug dealer. That last morning he came to pick me up with his silver BMWZ3 for the first time , I fucking hate that car too . Anyway when I climb in I see he has already bought my flavored water and he opens it to me and watches while I take that first sip and then he explains that he would like to take me to his new practice's offices and while we I listen carefully to all his ideas for practice. We entered the gate and stopped at the door, I could feel I was dizzy but didn't think for a moment something was suspicious. Stupid girl child ... he helped me out of the car and when he opened the door I saw only candles down the hallway against the brick wall and red rose leaves scattered all over the floor and then I passed out. He carried me into his arms and as I came in and out of consciousness I could see a large mattress lying on the floor of one office with bright white sheets and red rose leaves everywhere. He first put me down on a table and knew with a fuck alone what all he injected and then carried to the mattress and I could hear him whispering in my ear, "I waited for the moment " just before I fit out again. I remember only pieces of that day, like his heavy body moaning on top of me and then there were still men but I can't say how much or who they were. I spent about three hours that afternoon without a thread of clothing on my body white sheets and the first thing I could feel was the incredible pain that was spreading all over my body. I put on my clothes and started looking for him. I found him sitting at a table on his phone. He looked up to smile me and very seriously to me also explain how no one would believe me ever about what was happening , because I am nothing more than a problem child and junky and he is a doctor. I could feel the tears and anger in me, but I didn't want to give him that seed faction either. I just looked him straight in the eye and said. " Don't worry, you know I'm talking, never now just take me home. " When I got out of my house I told him that I did not want to see him again and I also told my parents that I did not want to see him again and believed he had helped me enough and how much I valued everything. In my room, I have made handbag open and there before me was a thousand rand in my handbag as if di t he finished to have done me genotypes was not real. The tears began to flow and I tore the money into millions. I climbed into a boiling detol bath and almost scrubbed the skins off my body while watching pieces of that awful day over and over in my head. The physical pain was nothing to me I could handle it was the inner sore betrayal and lies that consumed me and slowly tore apart, and that fucking silence kept me sick while everything inside me just wanted to scream.

Lara takes a big sip of the ice cold coke and then she hears the general turn the pipe over again before she can continue talking . Mongesia gives Lara the pipe and she closes her eyes as the smoke almost fills her lungs and in the distance she can hear how the general says something to the people in a language she doesn't understand but at the moment she doesn't give not really. Mongesia again took the pipe from Lara and started filling it again with that precious white powder and then he held the pipe out to Lara again and without asking she took the pipe a second time and once again took a long deep tug of smoke. into her lungs and feel her body begin to float and every muscle becomes limp and then just calm. Lara opens her eyes and there, right in front of her life, she sees a miraculous tree standing right in the middle of a cavity in which a beating heart is preserved and then suddenly the tree begins to bloom and the blood is absorbed by the earth almost like water to a long drought. Then she looked up and saw a single ray of light shining on her through the dense branches and leaves. Lara knows it can't be real , but it's so beautiful and so special that she doesn't want to stop looking. She just wants to stay there and not come back to reality. Lar a heard someone calling to her in the distance and then she was back in the hole again. The general smiles at Lara and then he tells her “Lara you are so blessed even though you do not see it yet you are part of something so much bigger than words can ever say” Please Lara continues…

Well a week later I tried to take my life again, the inner pain was just too much. I stayed sick at home drinking a bottle of syrup and laying on my bed while cutting my wrists properly this time and watching the blood flow like water. I could feel my body getting weaker and my heart beating slower and heavier with each drop of blood escaping my body through the deep long cuts across my arms . I'm not quite sure how, but the next moment was Dr. Du Toit along busy my bed struggling to try and stop the blood and bind my wounds I was complaining a r too weak to stand him tea and the horrible irony of the moment was almost cruel. The very person who has driven me to these extremes is now also the man swat to save my life. My soul was crying out to God at that moment to just stop my heart. In the car on the way to the hospital, I just scraped together enough strength to tell him that I was telling the whole world what he really was and what he was doing to me. He just looked at me and said he didn't know what I was talking about and who would believe it anyway he just saved my life. Silence dead silence….

When I opened my eyes again, I lay in a hospital bed with my father standing at the window and my mother and William standing at the door talking. When they first realized I was awake, William asked everyone for a moment. He sat down next to me and I could see the real concern and care in his eyes as he stared at me for a minute. Lara my dear Lara what the fuck did you think? Oh girl ... those were William's first words to me. Silence. Lara you'll have to talk to me please I ca n't help you unless you tell me what has driven you so far. Just talk to me please William almost begged me. Silence Deadly Silence… I screamed deep inside me, but no word came out. William gave my hand a soft hug and then my parents spoke outside the room. The day of my dismissal I was taken straight to Weskoppies as people believed I was a danger to myself and others .

Weskoppies is no place for a man who is not completely crazy and even less a place for a conscious and much lost soul like Lara. That lick holds so many dark secrets of hurt and abuse and souls that will never rest that wander between the halls and trees and at night threaten or warn the living, even though it remains equally dreadful day and night. There niche certainly not a better description than that of the Bible, wailing and gnashing of teeth is sometimes all you hear at night. That godless place filled with so many lost souls almost really drove me crazy and the two weekly tour to the underground cells was just too much for me at times, to watch people play with their own feasts and so to speak for themselves bit. I was placed in the teen hall and met a unique but goofy friend there. Nicolas was really one of a kind and his first question to me after asking my name is do I know how many percings he has and where everywhere?

Then without warning, all his clothes come off and without thinking twice he shows himself in all his glory to me and there really was hardly a place that was not pierced and above that he wore a purple mohawk and spent his favorite time was to torture the Fairy girl by squashing her fairies that only she could see. I won't lie to say that I was not taken in by the one-of-a-kind young man who looked like he just walked out of some freaky weirsd metal band video with all his piercings and purple mohawk. He was a pleasant young man but behind his smile and eyes there were so many things hidden just like me too, Nicolas and I soon formed a friendship and encouraged each other as the days became too long and the real crazy people when I met them. could have just become too much. That particular afternoon , Nicolaas and I had an actual conversation about what makes us in the deserted place and how we ended up there . Nicholas explained that he lost his father and simply did not want to live without him and therefore tried to take his own life several times and now he sits here. I also explained that I hated enough of life, people and the world and, after another failed suicide attempt, also found myself here in a place so dark God-forsaken and cold, but when Nicholas asked me why I really did it, I could just don't say. Silence Dead Silence ... I and Nicholas our days to talk about so many things and nothing as one that is but I could never get myself to be honest with him about my real hatred for life and my Creator. Nicolaas and I got on the roof of the hall one afternoon and he had to pee once more on the Fairy girl and her fairies, without warning Nicolaas jumped off the roof on top of the Fairy and squashed it with one big splat right in front of the fairy girl and then we're both in big trouble. The sister on duty closed each of us in a cupboard side by side and for three or four days, was left in there for punishment with bad water and dry bread once a day. I developed an unknown fear of the dark and experienced and heard so many unnatural evils in that closet and sometimes wondered if I would ever get out and it is my punishment for my Silence , those fucking horrible soul suffocating silence that her slim she can remember rush. That's when she heard Nicholas's voice in the ca snakes singing to her and telling jokes and even though they thought it was telling her a bedtime story of a brave princess who overcame all the bad and raised again and brought freedom to her kingdom. Nicholas's voice became her sole comfort in that cocky dark closet where so many dark souls harassed me daily. Nicholas was my only anchor point of normality and safety that I experienced in that moment and his voice was all I could hear in that closet where I was sitting together and sobbing my tears back. Lara? Nicholas calls to me and I answer with an almost whisper in case anyone would hear us. Yes, Nicholas, Lara what really happened to you please tell me what or who was it that hurt you so much that you just didn't want to live anymore? Silence Deadly Silence...

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