Have you noticed that choice is like heaven and hell and you are placed in between the two dimensions with no guidance but instinct , or maybe our instinct is our guidance but if so why is that it doesn't always lead us to heaven but can lead us to hell . what is to happen then ? who is it to blame because it's your own instinct that brought you there . we may lack the inquire of guidance but we boast a superpower which is to learn .
my name is AgisanangL . M and this is my book .
there i was sitting under a tree on a sunny day , trying to resolve things in my mind knowing very well i can only resolve them by taking action but i lack the fuel of motivation that will boost the engine of my actions or maybe i am diagnosed by the disease of doubt fulness .As i am lost in my thoughts i hear my name being called so i look to the left and there was no one, then i look to the right and there she was my bestfriend lebo . A beautiful brown skinned girl with hazel eyes , dark brown afro , beautiful smile but her teeth aren't literally white and she had the most weird soft voice . Lethabo I've been looking for you everywhere and we late for class ! ! let's go she said and so i stood up , picked up my bag from the green grass then gave her a heads up to go . As we walking our way to class we are suddenly surrounded by other learners rushing their way to class too but it felt empty like there's no one there besides me or maybe i'm slowly being erased by mother nature . As we get to class i could feel the dark depression and anxiety cloud surrounding the class but people tend to cover themselves with a layer of fake happiness knowing very well deep down they in war with depression and anxiety and the only way they could get help is literally ask for help but the problem is who , who do you ask ? , because depression and anxiety is like an injection that every teenager gets, so who to call for help?it's like every one is just waiting , waiting for someone to ask them that one question which could change everything , the wisdom questions , "Are You Okay ? The unfortunate part about this is that the waiting period increases day by day and the waiting list increases day by day .
As i walk my way to my desk i feel a gentle touch on my shoulder so i try to turn my head to the side to see who it is but before i could even turn my head,my ears are blasted with with a deep voice "Can we talk after school?"the tone of the voice sounds so cold and filled with pain,then i turned and it was thabo . I looked deep into his eyes and saw his soul trapped , is that even possible i ask myself ? but I saw it so i guess it's possible . i glint my eyebrow which is a indication of yes , then he walked away . I continued to walk my way to my desk , As i am about to sit down lebo appears , what was that about ? she asked and i just looked at her with an empty expression and replied "well I'll find out after school " , then I looked to the front facing our life science teacher MS. dlamini . I'm sure you asking yourself who thabo is ?well his a friend of mine who looks up to me for advices and his also lebo's crush , oh how my bestfriend loves boy's but anyways his just a good friend of mine .
Good afternoon everyone so today we going to learn about cellular respiration said MS. Dlamini with a smile on her face and am just sitting there wondering how does she have a smile on her face every single day ?while we site here looking like zombies . She continued talking , So cellular respiration has two types of respiration which are aerobic respiration which requires oxygen and anaerobic respiration which doesn't require oxygen , aerobic respiration requires three stages which are glycolysis(this takes place in cytoplasm and creates pyruvic acid and 2ATP,krebs cycle (takes place in mitochondria and it breaks down the pyruvic acid in to two molecules which are carbon dioxide and hydrogen , the carbon dioxide is then breathed out and the energy rich hydrogen is transmitted to the last stage which is oxidation phosphorylation (this takes place in mitochondria and it breaks down the energy rich hydrogen to create energy rich ATP , then the weak hydrogen is then combined with oxygen then it formulate water which will be removed in the body by water vapor or by urine and 36 ATP are formed . Isn't this interesting grade 11 learners ? Yes mam(as the class replies with a low energetic tone). what is wrong with you guy's ! said MS. dlamini with a frown on her face . it's like every time you come to my class you leave your souls behind and come with your empty bodies , well it feels like it , come on guys at least act like you intrested then to show me your not intrested because you making my job difficult . she then set down and gave us homework , then i thought of what she said and combined it with what i felt in the hallway coming my way to class , how thabo looked when he asked if we could talk after school,the dark cloud that surrounds my class and how Ms. dlamini smiles every time she teaches us . So this woman knows what we go through but doesn't intend to help i asked myself , i mean if she didn't know then why would she say it's like we left our souls behind before entering her class ? besides why can't she ask herself that why do this kids look like this when i on the other hand look happy?How do this people aspect us to cry for help when they don't even hesitate to check what's wrong when they start to see symptoms ? or maybe she just said that out of anger she doesn't really know what's going on , or maybe i just have to grow a back bone and ask for help than to sit here asking questions that anyone will answer unless i take action. So what is it going to be lethabo i asked myself,a choice of calling for help or wait for help to come to you , and guess what i chose ? , wait for help to come to me for what good reason i don't know but that's what i chose .
As the period ended i packed my books into my school bag then turned my head backward to ask lebo what pages did Ms. dlamini give us for homework . Then we heard off to another class,we got to the class , learned then took off to another class. we did that for 5 periods then it was finally after school . As you all know i am suppose to meet up with thabo so i text him a message to notify him where i am and he replied by saying i should come to the netball court. why there? i asked myself but i didn't let that bother me so i said bye to my bestfriend then i heard off to the netball court. As i arrived i saw him sitting on the bench with his face facing down ,it looked like there's no light of happiness but load shading of sadness. i set down next to him and he immediately layed his head on my lap and started crying.
Thabo: why me?(sobbing)
lethabo: whats wrong?
Thabo: Life is what is wrong . I mean look at me...dont you see nothing wrong ?
lethabo : well...
thabo: well what lethabo ! you know me and i know you know i wouldn't have called you to meet me here if i knew you don't know me .
i looked at him puzzled with many words i would like to say but my voice box was as dry as a desert. i knew he wasn't okay but i wasn't quite sure if he was feeling what i was feeling or he is in another situation. should i ask him i asked myself but i chose not to because i wanted to hear him out first because i felt like it was the right thing to do .There was silence for a few moments then he held my hand and we looked at each other for a few seconds .
Thabo : I am trapped into a deep dark hole that seems like it has no end but keeps me falling deep inside . i feel like i don't know who I am anymore or who i am becoming . It's like all my emotions are compressed together and formulates one feeling which is the numb feeling .i mean i feel like am okay but am not ,like am not okay to that point thah i lie to myself I am okay then ignore the fact that am not okay. I feel like my soul has departed from my body , it's like all my organs are working and that's it ,i don't have humor in anyway or even feel anything, i feel like i am just a living robot with human organs . I miss being angry, sad,happy, bored, excited and extra. I am lost in my own self system and i can't seem to find a way to put myself into one piece. , it's like i am in war with myself and i am losing , i mean how can i lose while in war with myself? Is that even possible!!! what's wrong with me lethabo?
lethabo: what do you want me to say I mean I am also so confused, ofcourse I've noticed that something is wrong and it's not only you but the majority of the school, it's like we surrounded by a dark cloud which is in war with every individual and we can't fight it as a group because the war is within ourselves.The question that always strikes me is that how do u fight a war that is between yourself only?.Today at the hallway I was surrounded by people but i felt like i was alone, it felt so quiet and dark,like everyone is distanced emotionally but we seem to be close physically . who would've known that feeling nothing is the worst feeling ever , how your body would give up on you while you still alive,how do we even get help?so you go to someone and be like oh help me i feel nothing and my body is giving up on me, does that even make sense ?it's like we waiting for that one person to ask are you okay but it seems like the waiting list is getting larger and the person who is supposed to ask that question is taking longer.
thabo : we need help Lethabo .
lethabo : from who? i ask myself .
Thabo ( looking down ) : from who I also wonder .
lethabo : you never told me what is wrong .
thabo : I just don't know how to tell you yet but I promise I'll tell you .
we hugged each other for some moments then we were disturbed by my phone ringing. i looked at it to see who's calling and it was my mom,now my mom and i don't really get along because we literally don't get each other.
mom :Wena lethabo!!
lethabo : ma
mom:I've been waiting for you for about an hour now ,where the hell are you?
lethabo : Oh so you at school
mom : duh!!
lethabo : okay i am coming , give me five minutes.
i hanged up the call hugged Thabo and told him everything will be okay ,kissed him on the forehead then run to the receptionist. i got there then went straight to the entrance gate of the school. As i walk towards my mom's car i could see that she's fuming but i calmed myself down then continued walking. i arrived then open the car door
mom:aowa where were you ?
lethabo:At the netball court .
mom:Doing what exactly?
lethabo: just sitting there .
mom:haii children of this day's. okay then i want us to go to the mall.
lethabo:why ?
mom:I'll take you home then.
lethabo:hao mama it's just a humble question .
mom:I just want to take you out for dinner .
lethabo:Oh that's nice .
well to be honest I would rather go home because my mom and i are really not on the same page when it gets to lifestyles. we arrived at the mall made a little tour of shopping then went to spur .As we arrived i was feeling nerves because I was wondering what on earth would my mom i talking about. we set down ordered then waiting for the food.
mom: So how is school
lethabo: well school is school mom
mom: what is that supposed to mean exactly?
lethabo: school is fine mom.
mom: why do you seem different this days?i know you and we don't really click but i can see you different.
lethabo: Depression.
mom: lethabo really now.you still a kid ,what on earth are you depressed off? you've got no job or any responsibility than your books .
lethabo: I...I
mom: I what lethabo ? I've also been a teenager,teenagehood doesn't start by you okay, why can't you enjoy your childhood and be a kid for heaven sake because you only get that chance once.
lethabo: Do you know what depression is?
mom: Something you shouldn't get yourself involved because you still young and I think you over reacting.
lethabo: well you right.
mom: Good and you should stop it.
lethabo : okay.
how could she say that i asked myself?so she took me to the mall to tell me i am over reacting ? why on earth would I over react?what would i gain from it ? So she thinks depression goes by age,wow . i looked down as i felt ties rushing to the surface of my eyes.i pulled them back and looked at my mom with a fake smile then she smiled back. the food came and we ate , After eating we went back home . On our way home there was just silence in the car until we've arrived . As we arrived i opened the gate and the garage for her , then waiting for her to enter.As soon as she enters i immediately closed the gate and run straight to my room.I felt like my heart was about to explode, i set on my bed and started crying until i fell asleep. Lethabo wake !! I open my eyes in a flash then set up,my body was so heavy it felt like I was covered in concrete. Well I wasn't feeling sick but it's like my body is refusing on me so I decided to just go back to sleep . After a while my mom came rushing into my room . Lethabo man! how many times, and before she could finish her sentence I looked at her with a cold look plus my eyes and face were swollen due to I was crying yesterday . Mama I am not feeling okay then covered myself with my blanket then slept.few hours past then I was awaken by a gentle on my face. Lala do you feel like you need to go to the doctor ? said my dad and I just nibbled my head. there I was waiting for my dad to ask my are you okay? I felt like finally I'll get help but to my surprise he just stood up and said he'll come check up on me later and I started sharking and got angry that why on earth would this man tell me to I need a doctor without asking me am I okay?I mean this sickness doesn't need a doctor well I think it doesn't, I just need someone , anybody to ask me that wisdom question . Are you okay? but unfortunately I am not getting what I seek for.
i dragged myself to the bathroom , got in the shower , opened the cold water and just set there . I felt like a raisin, felt like my soul was sucked out of my body. Is that even possible?well I guess it is because i felt my soul disconnecting with my body without even facing death . I felt every drop drip of water on my skin but I couldn't feel the coldness of the water, it's like the numbness has spread further into my nerves and I just set there and wondered What the fuck is happening to me? .
