This novel contains topics such as self-harm, suicide, mental illness and other issues.
If you feel identified please seek help, contact a suicide prevention hotline, visit a therapist, talk to someone.
You're not alone.
You can and will get through this.
• Zaylee •
It has been a year, anyone who sees me now would say "did she really go through that?" appearances are deceiving and don't be fooled by my cheerful face, not everything is as it seems. I remember perfectly what happened a year ago.
A year ago
“What were you thinking, Zaylee? Did you think it was a good option?”, says my mom with an annoying tone of voice.
“With your permission Mrs. Schneider, but I need to talk to your daughter alone”, says the doctor upon entering the room.
Mom goes to the door but before leaving she looks at me annoying, I know what that look means, it means "we have to talk" and it's not good at all, I will have to listen to her scolding but now I feel weak, I just want to rest.
“Hi Zaylee, I'm Dr. Miller, it's nice to meet you. I will go straight to the point, your parents brought you to the emergency room yesterday when they found you unconscious in your room. True”, he says.
“There were empty pill boxes around you, when your parents brought you here we did some tests and we concluded that there was an excessive use of antidepressants in your body, which could have caused your death. What did you think before taking all the pills”
I remember what I was thinking at the time, I wanted to end everything, I was selfish not thinking about how my family would feel, but they are not in my mind, they have no idea what it is to have suicidal thoughts that it makes you want to end your life.
“I... I just wanted to end the suffering”, I say. The doctor begins to write in her notebook and then looks me in the eye.
“I know it's hard Zaylee but...”
“No! You don't know anything and don't act as if you could help me, Did I try to kill myself? Yes, but you know what? I don't regret having done it, neither you nor my parents don't understand what it's to be in this situation, think about it doctor, put yourself in my place for a moment”
“You need help from a specialist and I am not the right person for that. I was talking to your parents and we decided to send you to a psychiatric hospital”
What? a psychiatric hospital? really?
“I don't need help”, I say.
“And what about your cuts on the legs? Some of them are recent”.
“That doesn't mean I have to ..." My parents enter the room at that time with a form in hand, “Will you really send me to a psychiatric hospital?”
“I'm sorry sweetheart, but we decided for your sake, we don't want the same thing to happen again or even worse”, says my dad.
“We have already completed the forms for you to enter the psychiatric hospital, Zaylee. There‘s no turning back”
The Next Day
We are on our way to the psychiatric hospital, I feel nervous about going there, I don't know how it will be, will it be like an insane asylum? Will they torture us? I'm scared just thinking about it.
It's ok Zaylee, just breathe.
Upon arrival, we enter the rehabilitation center and I sit on one of the sofas while my parents talk to the girl at the reception. Several minutes later my parents approach me.
“Zaylee, here we say goodbye then you will have to follow the nurse, she is waiting for you at the door next to the reception”, says my dad.
“Dad... how long will I be here?”, I say while I feel my hands shaking.
“As long as necessary, your mother and I will call you every night, ok?”.
I don't want to say goodbye, I want to go home with them.
Dad says goodbye to me with a hug and we last several seconds like that, I didn't want to leave him, and mom didn't even look me in the face; much less say goodbye, she just left.
When my parents leave I go to the door where my father told me and there is the nurse waiting for me.
“Hi Zaylee, my name is Jennie and I will give you a tour of the center and we will end the tour with the room in which you are going to stay, okay? Follow me”.
As we walk through the halls I look sideways and see that there is a living room, a dining room, a room for group therapy, the psychiatrist's office, restrooms and the outdoor yard.
The rooms are on the second floor, we go up and Jennie directs me to my respective room, upon entering the walls and sheets are white, well, everything in the room is white, there are two beds, a desk and two closets.
Wait, two beds?
“You will share a room with one of the girls, your bed is the one on the right, there are more bathrooms on this floor so it will make you more comfortable” says Jennie, “Here you have a form with the rules of the center, any breach will have consequences. Until here the tour ends, the girl who will be your partner will arrive in a moment, I hope you feel well, any complaint can notify me”.
“Thanks, Jennie”, I say.
She nods and leaves the room. I sit on the bed and look around the room in more detail, I check the bedside table in the middle of the two beds and open one of the three drawers it has, in the first drawer there is an envelope that says My Last Goodbye,I'm curious and I open the envelope being careful not to break it. And says:
I have tried to fight with this for years, but it's destroying me and I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry for disappointing you, I'm so sorry. But I can't continue living like this, I feel miserable, insufficient and empty...
“What are you doing reading my letter?”, I release the letter because of the scare I just had, the girl standing at the door must be my roommate, she has blue eyes like the ocean, pale skin and bandages on her left arm, “Hello? I asked you a question”.
“S-sorry, I... I”, I don't know what to say, I feel intimidated. She sits on her bed and keeps looking at me.
“It's okay, you must be my new roommate, right? mmm ... Jeily?”
“Zaylee”, I say.
“Zaylee, right. I'm sorry if I intimidate you, let's start again. Why are you here, Zaylee?”
“I tried to kill myself...”
“You know what? I also entered here for the same reason as you two years ago, I tried to kill myself twice, but here I am”, she says.
I don't know why but I feel that she and I are going to understand each other.
“How did you try to commit suicide?” After saying that I regret a little but she doesn't look uncomfortable for my question, only that she has a neutral expression, “I'm sorry”.
“Well, cutting me, but the cuts weren’t very deep, I could survive, unfortunately. And don’t apologize for the question, it‘s not a prohibited word although we are advised not to say it unless it‘a with the psychiatrist”
“What's it like to live here?”, I say changing the subject.
“There are no knives, razors, crystals, there is no way to hurt yourself here, the other girls are complicated but you will get used to living with them, we wake up at 7:00 AM, we go to the living room where they give us pills, we have to take a bath with a nurse present, at 1:30 PM we go to the dining room, at 3:00 PM we go to the room for group therapy, after we leave there we are free to go to the yard, we visit the psychiatrist three times a week, around 7:00 PM we take other pills to sleep and eat dinner and at 8:00 PM we have to be all in our rooms. Any questions?”
“Yes, you haven't told me your name"
“I'm Skyler, Skyler Anderson”.
Obrigado pela leitura!
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