It's weird for me the first post I'm gonna share is about a girl I met and stole my mind. But this is what I'm living at the moment so I'm a surrealist and that means I'm going to write about the time I'm living now without any control of my mind:
This is to let any boy who has been so attracted by a girl -too damn fucked up- be some kind of identified with my situation right now. Because if you're like me now, spending your important time every morning after opening your eyes overanalyzing situations about a girl, you know you're so fucked up. And I know I'm fucked up. So it will be nice to tell you my story and I'll happy if you get connected to it.
It's tough. I wanna share this story of me meeting the most superb/sublime girl I have ever met:
Traveling in South America I stayed in a hostal in Chile for 3 weeks. Everyday meeting new people, pretty interesting people, some of them not too much. Living in a hostal is a good place to meet temporary persons; you hit it off with them, then they leave and you stay. Perfect for getting laid constantly, meeting new girls everyday, like Tinder of real life, and also for improving your social skills or pitching your company to get some feedback from real people.
Pretty fun. The thing is when you find yourself being tired of not having meaningful conversations with any girl. Not only tired but also frustrated and sad. Then you feel lonely, like there's no girl letting you be yourself with her, no girl convincing you she's not only amazingly hot but also clever. So what happens next is you start having an emotional crisis. "What the fuck I want with girls?" I separated sex from intelectual/emotional connection in the same way I consume drugs and I drink water. I smoke weed to feel relaxed, I have sex to feel orgasms; but I need water to live, so I need to have this connection with someone to feel I'm living the way I want to, breathing fresh air. Cursi shit, but I'm very intense with this, and with life in generaI. I love to talk about deep things, I love to get connected with real people, I don't feel comfy with superficial shit.
So, I was in the deck of the hostal talking about nothing with the receptionist when this blonde and blue eyes girl arrived with her backpack. I let her do the check-in and then immediately ask her:
- Who are you?
- I'm Annika, from Germany and you?
- What are you gonna do here?
- I came here for studying Philosophy and Economy. And you?
Ok, Philosophy and Economy. The only thing passing through my mind was all the issues I could talk with her if she was pretty interested in the things she was doing.
- I use to say I don't like Philosophy because I find it very unpractical, but the reality is I love Philosophy. I spend a lot of time asking myself too many philosophical questions, about the existence, about the time. But at the same time I think it's helping me to build my own mindset, my algorithm to think about my life and decisions. I'm here working for a tech company.
- That's pretty nice! Look I need to take a rest, we can talk later, I'll be here for some days.
- Yeah, sure! See you tomorrow.
She left. Nothing happened. Just another girl who looked to be interesting. No too many information for me this time. But I don't know why I'm in a kind of a search. Looking into people's minds to see how they make decisions and take their time being alive. So when I feel this intuition with interesting people I'm like an arrow directly to them and start asking things, not the usual stuff, just things that let me know how many questions a person has asked himself/herself about herself/himself, about the things they're wanting to reach.
I saw her the next day in the lobby of the hostal. I asked her if she was wanting to grab a lunch in a pretty cheap italian place I found with a menu of gourmet food and a cup of wine. She said yes and we went there.
This was the first time me really talking with her. We talked about Nietzsche, we talk about her goals, about my goals, about Salvador Dali, Freud. We talked about how people sell themselves, and how they share themselves. We talked about things I like to talk. I felt connected, her questions were always smart, her way to argument and to say you're wrong or you're right was always clever. Her voice and her profound eyes, everything was like a german philharmonic orchestra playing not a common song, but a beautiful melody of perfectly sounding sounds.
I wasn't too excited because she told me about her boyfriend when we were walking to the place. So this was a "taken" girl. But I was still curious about her mind so we kept hanging out without any expectation. We went to The Museum of Contemporary Arts and spent some hours there looking at paintings and telling each other what we feel about them, we grabbed coffee and had a tough conversation about randomness and significance, I went with her to visit flats she was wanting to rent and I putted down the price negotiating with the owners, she came to my place with her friends to have a dinner, drink wine and chat. I mean, we shared enough time together to let me think I want to spend time with her, a lot of time. I was unconsciously falling in a gap needing to meet her but without any objective more than being friends, she always looked like her boyfriend is the most important thing in her life.
One day saying goodbye, she said:
- It was very nice to meet you.
- Why do you say that? we're going to hang out soon either way.
- Yes, obviously we're gonna hang out. But it was just an statement I wanted to make.
- So I have another statement to make: It was more than nice to meet you.
She's 21, 2 years of relationship, this is her first serious relationship and if you had one of this when you were 21 you can understand what she feels about her relationship. She's in love. Unfortunately.
So I decided to respect that, I never told her something about what I was feeling. At some point I found myself thinking a lot about her, wanting to meet her. Recalling every single moment I had with her, I started talking with my friends about her, and then not only my friends, every new person in my life maybe know how much I like a german girl. I can tell you about her hair, her hands, I can tell you about how much I like her style, her sophisticated style to dress and to act. I could talk all the day about her mind. It's stupid, I'm fucked up, I started thinking in her more than in my own company. That's stupid, it's not ok.
One day she invited me to a party the same day I was having a "date" in my place with a girl that was wanting to enjoy sex with me in the same way I enjoy it with her. Just sex and goodbye. I didn't care about this other girl, I told her I couldn't be in home and I went with Annika to a "previa" in a house, we talked a lot there about Einstein and some nerd shit. I was feeling so happy to see her again, like a kid, you could feel I was smiling inside of me. After the house we went to the party with her friends, here is where the nightmare/fantasy starts:
Before entering to the club the guys separated us in girls and boys. So when I entered to the place I missed her, there were a big quantity of people euphorically dancing, lights everywhere, like a place where you are not gonna find anyone. I passed 1 hour looking for her like an eagle, when I was about to leave the place because I was too damn frustrated for not finding her, I found her. She gave me a huge hug that told me itself she was wanting to be with me, she took my hand and I felt it so soft, I was touching her skin and thinking in the middle of a fucking party of drunk young people about all these sensations I was feeling. I don't remember exactly when and how I told her I like her, it was something I had stuck in my mouth. I was drunk at some point in the night. I remember she telling me she likes me but she has a boyfriend. But either way we were dancing like so connected, feeling each other. I didn't attempt to kiss her, but I felt she was wanting me. I was wanting her, I wasn't not only thinking in the amazing sex we could have that night, but in the amazing sex we could have every morning. I was wanting to take her with me to the infinite nirvana of being immerse in such a wonderful connection. It was like nothing was happening but at the same time everything was happening.
It was like the best night of my life. I felt the glorious of the emotional psychodrama to tell her how much I like/want her, the hurt feelings of not having her and also the wonderful sensation of being attached to her. Yes, it was a mess of feelings. But I felt it wonderful.
I asked her at the end of the night:
- From 1 to 10 how much do you like me?
- What does mean 10?
- That you want to be with me no matter what.
- No matter what means to leave my boyfriend and being with you?
I couldn't answer because a friend of her arrived and we left the place. But I felt curious she came with that idea. At least she unconsciously thought about it to give me a right answer that maybe it was about to be: "no, I don't like you in the way to leave my boyfriend to be with you". So I preferred to don't ask anymore.
After this night my mind is really fucked up. I want her, I know that, I want her so much, I like her, I seriously like her. But I really think is worthless. It's unpractical having all these feelings. 2 days after that night we hanged out again to eat venezuelan food, she made the plan and invite 2 friends of her. We didn't have time to talk about us. The last important thing I told her was about a dream I had that basically pushed me to answer myself -again- the question about the kind of pain I was wanting to support in my life. She doesn't know I was indirectly talking about the pain of meeting her. I felt her like trying to avoid closer connections with me because it was too much. So I think all this dream with her it's over.
I decided to don't text her anymore, don't hangout with her again, just for protecting to myself. For recovering my mind because I need it for make good decisions in my company, for being like normal, thinking in one million things at the same time.
I want my fresh mind back, I hate how this kind of things can consume you all. I'm giving up with this girl, I never did this in the past, I always go for the things I really want but this time the risk is too high. I need my fresh mind back.
But I want to be honest, I have a smooth faith she's going to text me to hang out again and live what I want to live with her, no matter if it's temporary or not. And I really don't know what to say. Maybe I'll keep it binary: nothing or everything. But this is not a pain I want to support. I know how good could be this for making my psyche stronger. But no, just not.
Uncertainty will be your best friend or your worst enemy. So honestly, in the case she wants to enjoy our connection and decide to do it, I think I won't care about destructing myself living the pain of thinking in the future with her. You couldn't understand how constructive are the moments we share together, it feeds me. This girl is a destructive creation, a creative destruction of my life. I become obsessive with everything I like in life, you couldn't understand how passionated I am. Learning how to play guitar, I did it for more than 15 hours per day without stoping to go to eat. Crazy.
Someday I'll say her thanks for all this; helping to build myself through the most intense feelings of human beings. For helping me to learn how to struggle with the feeling of uncertainty. I never had sex with her, she didn't give me that drug, I never even kissed her. But I could say she's the most fantastic girl I have ever met.
Thank you Kiki. Feelings like these are giving me the power to change the world; you know I'm going to do it. I hate the fact you were able to steal my mind but thanks for all the inspiration you unintentionally gave to me.
This is how our story ended, but I still want you.
Obrigado pela leitura!
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