Today was aweful.
Atrocious.
Horrific - really, it was.
And it all stemmed from my stupid heart choosing someone all the way back in middle school. Someone I could never actually have.
His name is Zane. Zane Hudson. And I loved him.
Ok, he's a few years older than me - so what? He'll be gone in two years (he's a junior in highschool) - so what? My aunt and uncle were highschool sweethearts, so why can't that happen for me, too?
Well, let me at least start at the beginning.
I've always known Zane, really. We've always gone to the same school, shared a lot of the same extracuriculors, and recently, joined the same local youth group. He's everything to me.
It probably started around fifth grade. That was before I found my voice. I couldn't talk to him at all. I was the nerd kid, but I wasn't smart. I was always the odd girl out, and try as I may, I couldn't change my circumstances. And why would he notice me - why would he even care? I was just the girl in the back who had so much to say, but no way to say it. Why would he ever want me?
Around sixth grade, there was this girl, Ella, who came to town. Every summer, she would come and she would always play with the popular kids. She was as pretty as you could get - and Zane really liked her.
I don't think I knew what heartache was until then. I really didn't understand. When you bottle up that much longing - and then see someone else living your dream... that's when it really stings the most. In the end, though, she chose his cousin over him (Zane). She didn't know what she was missing.
A second chance - I really thought I had one. But no, he stayed far away from getting to attached to any girl... by beign "friends" with all of them. In the end, he was the only one who didn't get hurt.
Tenth grade (for him); (my eighth grade year). Isa Summers. He asked her to homecoming andprom. He liked her that much! That broke me all over again. She went out with him those two times, but never again.
She's a strong woman, and I admire her deeply for not needing a boy in her life. I wish I could be more like that.
But anyway, Zane's completely single right now! And so maybe, just maybe, he would see me, finally! We have a youth group even coming up Saturday - I'll keep you posted.
Ella Mae Johnson
