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| Calcine | Verb |

  • reduce, oxidise, or dessicate by roasting or exposing to strong heat.
New Oxford Dictionary.

First things first. When God makes the call. Ego’s gotta go!... They say its better we take control over our own tendencies than to allow God’s justice to do so for us. Life has a powerful way of keeping balance The challenge is aligning my will to God.Wanting things of righteousness - it sounds good and all .. Except I also enjoy comfort and I care more for my home than I do for my neighbors, & if I’m about to get in trouble I might say a little white lie and I could also be blinded by my own desires to want to be desired that I forget what the meaning of beautiful woman is.
Times I’ve allowed the words and opinions of others to have greater weight over the opinions I have of my self... Sometimes I don’t have opinions of self , I just take in reactions - or get high with my friends. Until my friends couldn’t be there, or I’ll just smoke with myself.The clutter in my house, it doesn’t need to be cleaned, the dish I just dirtied, I wont wash it immediately.Ive allowed years of depression take control of me, thinking this is a way of life, a constant lifestyle
I am older now. And I still feel like a child.
Am I crazy? Am I not right? … I think about my life … it works for me/ or does it?

I want to write for a living. Or do I want to speak?

My hands are already starting to hurt me.
Its like I wasted so many years being afraid - being sad about being sexually abused as a child and later raped as an adult. I feel like so many people say its my fault for my life turning out this way. I say I cant blame a child for the parents they have. I say I cant blame a child for losing a parent. I say I cant blame a child for being introduced to pornography, I cannot blame that child for being molested, I cannot blame that child for the trauma that developed… I cannot blame the child for repressing those memories. .. For the patterns that were developed…. I was addicted to pornography .. As a kid… and I stopped seeing anything wrong with the way they treated women … I didn’t realize or understand what love or a wife meant. .. I just knew sex. I just knew pleasure in the body. All I knew was that my wet body parts didn’t mean anything . .. I allowed negativity speak louder in my psyche than god. And how do I make Gods voice louder?
How do I follow the divine creator.. Why would I even want to do that? … really…
. Tapping into the natural order of creation, the universal pattern of existence.

29 de Julho de 2022 às 07:49 0 Denunciar Insira Seguir história
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