2 years 11 months ago
If at birth, life gave you the choice to choose an adventure full of peace and fulfillment, would you choose it? Would you be able to put the nature of events before the selfishness of not wanting to face suffering?
The days when I feel lost have been diminished in the period of time I have been with Leonard. However, I don't know how to define if the attraction we feel for each other is enough not to feel sudden sadness.
There is nothing I would like more at this stage of my life than to feel satisfied with what I have achieved so far. Unfortunately, it's not my reality.
I think Leonard has begun to realize how overwhelmed I get with myself for not finding something that makes me happy enough.
I want to be the best person I can to deserve all the physical and mental effort Leonard puts into everything to get us living here, but for some reason my efforts don't seem to be enough to be at the level of his sacrifice.
I know he wants to save me. I know he wants to give me everything I want to replace with objects the love that never wrapped me up. The problem in his solution results from being the same method my grandmother tried for years to fill the gap that absent parents left.
His attempts so far, have worked partially, more than for any other reason, because of the effort I make to smile to make him believe it completely satisfies me.
I contemplate his body leaning against the wall of the room after an argument, in which the participation of both of us disproportionately exceeded for the first time.
If Leonard could understand how much I need him by my side in the hours that, due to his demanding job, he is in the painful obligation to leave me for long periods of time, perhaps we would not have reached the point of threatening to end our relationship.
Even though we were arguing all night, I don't feel tired enough to go to bed. Although, what I wish most at this moment is that this sad scene had never started.
I don't know what I should say or do to make him change his mind. I just want him to understand my perspective as I have often been forced to understand his.
I look down the second I feel a tear run down my cheek. The silence on Leonard's side only increases the emptiness that forms in my heart. It's inevitable that I don't ask the question that has been going through my head lately: is he tired of me?
"I'll sleep in the living room." I reply after clearing my throat.
When I perceive Leonard will not make the slightest effort to stop me, I move out the wooden platform of the bed to walk on the pearl-colored tiles until I find the outer corridor.
"Ambar, come back please." I hear him say in a broken voice.
My pride is stronger than his insistence, so I can't conceive the idea of doing anything other than walking away from him.
He must be somewhere behind me because his voice is growing. That thought makes me tremble for some reason. The reality is I don't want to face him because I know he partly has reason to be upset with me.
The disagreement started with a comment he made about his boss; who had raised the idea of sending him to Australia for a month to solve some issues of the company. As soon as I heard him say the name of that country, my anger acted out on its own free will. How did it occur to him that I would be happy with the situation of having him absent for a whole month? Not to mention that it was there he left a fiancée.
I wasn't even interested in the fact that they would pay him triple for that trip; all that was on my mind was his inopportune reunion with Emma.
I screamed at him on more than one occasion if he was so desperate to get away from me as to accept such a proposal.
I know it was me who released the threat to end our relationship, but how else could I have reacted to the inconsistency of his arguments? At a certain point in the conflict, Leonard seemed engrossed in the opportunity this represented for both of us. All I thought about was the collateral damage that would cause us. Doesn't he mind leaving me for 4 weeks in Brazil?
I wish this was one of the many nightmares I have had throughout my life, but it seems to be very far from fantasy and quite close to a grim reality.
And to all this, will it be worth crying for a person who clearly doesn't want to be with me anymore? I love Leonard, but I'm not willing to go through this cruel challenge because I know I don't deserve it.
My steps are firm on the way to the kitchen, where I take a long sip of water to a glass that was half full. Without glancing at the image of Leonard behind me, I continue my stride towards the living room.
"I'm sorry." He says in a tone of voice that makes me understand his early regret for the situation we find ourselves in. "Could you look at me for a moment?"
"No." I reply quickly upon hearing his question.
I don't know what is happening to us, the only thing I'm sure of is we are moving further and further away from the chemistry that one day would bring us closer. I would say we are as close as Buenos Aires is to London; kilometers and kilometers away.
Every time we have a conflict, my heart is saddened by the idea of finishing what would one day be my greatest chance to love and be loved. To this day, our relationship is more similar to that of 2 friendly neighbors than that of a couple with the intention of spending the rest of their lives together.
"I'll buy you whatever you want to make up for whatever I caused." He pleads, taking my arm.
An incredulous laugh comes out of my mouth before I can reflect on it.
"That doesn't work for me!" I yell, pulling myself free of his touch. "You can't give me the thing I want the most!"
Leonard takes the glass I kept in my hand to put it on the ornate table. Then he intertwines his fingers with mine with the intention of softening my coldness, as he so often manages to do to end my anger. Although this time he does it behind my back, so that I don't see the tear marks on his face.
"What do you want?" He whispers at the nape of my neck without diminishing the strength of his grip, almost as if he was aware of the painful response.
I gulp, my head bowed to emptiness, because I didn't think the answer to my eternal conflict with Leonard was easier than it took me to accept it.
"I wish you were... the person I met years ago."
Obrigado pela leitura!