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Insufferable amount of pain

I check out of my 14-hour shift and put on my coat. It's the 5th one I bought this year. Well, not as much, more like renting. No one owns things nowadays. I'm pretty sure they even made it illegal in some states, at least that's what the news says, not that I know from experience. My home city is everything I ever knew and there is everything I'll ever need here. Whenever I'm not working, I rarely even feel the need to leave my 100x130 square feet apartment. It's not mine of course I rent it out along with my four other roommates. It's hard to afford a place this big only on one income.

My feet hurt from standing up all day. Each step I take feels like the gravity pull gets even stronger. There is a sudden surge of energy within me as I see the bus nearing the bus stop. I need to be quick before it gets too crowded to get in. Luckily I find a spot where I have enough space between my body and the people I'm squashed in between to be able to use my limbs. I use this moment to move the bottle of caffeine+ next to my mouth. I take 2 pills even though I've already taken the daily recommended amount before my 5 min lunch break. What can I do, I need the energy to get to my second job otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford all the medicine I need to get by. I get overwhelmed by these irrational thoughts whenever I forget to take my pills. All these feelings prevent me from functioning like a normal human being. I don't understand where they are coming from, but as long as I can numb them out it's all good I guess.

With the other hand, I reach for my phone to check on my social media. The time when I'm riding the bus is the only time I get to do that. It's sometimes annoying that I have to wait through a 10-minute ad before I can use any of the apps on it, but the ones that had only 2 min of ads on them were way beyond my budget. I scroll down to see a 15-year-old receive their 5 Lamborghini for their birthday. Perhaps there would be a sense of jealousy within me if the benzodiazepines didn't numb out all of my negative emotions. The next video on my feed is of a woman with more plastic on her face than there is in the ocean right now, promoting natural beauty products. The next one was of people committing arson, it seems to be a very popular trend. I don't know how much of this content is generated by AI. It's really hard to tell these days, a few of my colleagues are convinced that everything that came out for the 10 years was made by AI. I personally don't know anyone who's still doing anything creative. Those jobs were pretty much wiped out after they introduced GPT7.

My chain of thoughts is cut abruptly as I pay notice that I've forgotten to count the stops since the last video. That happens way too often lately and I know I probably shouldn't be scrolling through my phone while traveling, but the small dopaminergic reaction I receive makes it seem worth it. I try to tap on the shoulder of some of the people closer to the window and ask them where we are in my broken English. Don't get me wrong, I can perfectly understand my home language, but the lack of interaction with people from day day-to-day basis combined with the internet has left me almost unable to speak it.

They turn their heads and shrug. My guess is that they are either too shy or can't find the words to explain where we are since no one knows the names of the streets. I shove my way out of the vehicle and to my surprise I've only missed 2 stops this time. Luck must be on my side today.

After a bit of sloppy running and one more pill of caffeine+, I reach the second warehouse where I work at. These types of jobs are one of the few ones that haven't been replaced by technology. It's only a matter of time until they do though. The rate at which they are developing new tech is almost frightening, but I try not to think about it. My mind goes blank for a while until I hear the bell ring, signaling that it's time for our 10-minute lunch break (yes we do have better conditions here). I think it's no surprise to anyone that I prefer this job to my main one. I would rather spend my whole 20-hour workday here, but they made it illegal to work more than 16 hours in one place. I don't know why.

I quickly go through my leftovers. I wish there was some sort of pill that can give you all the amount of calories that you need in a second rather than waste all that time eating. In fact, there was for a brief period in time, but they had to stop the production because it caused too many deaths. I look at my screen and see there is enough time left for me to go to the screaming room, which is exactly what it sounds like. A soundproof room that you go to when you feel the need to scream. I find it very relaxing for some reason. If there was one thing I really disliked about this job, it was the mandatory catheter we had to put on at the start of the shift. Our direct manager's assistant manager's manager suggested it as a means to both speed up production and crack down on employees overusing their bathroom breaks. There was nothing to be done when someone had to go number 2 however, and I knew with almost a complete certainty that some people used this fact to overdose on laxatives and slack off. I wish I could tell I wasn't one of them.

I take another handful of benzodiazepines after my shift is over. Lately, I find it hard to function without them. Ever since they made the work week six days instead of five, it's made it impossible to withdraw. My doctor (that I only interacted with via the message app on my phone) suggested I slowly start decreasing the dose, but I've been doing the exact opposite. If I start having trouble with my heart, I'll just take another pill and it will fix everything.

The wind is strong tonight, it nearly knocks me down from blistered my feet and to the tattered tent of one the homeless people in my neighborhood. I apologize without making eye contact and scurry away before they ask for spare change. I don't have any physical money on me anyway. Hardly anyone does, people just pay with a card all the time, even at the vending machines. I'm so afraid that one day I might be left out on the streets one day. It fills me with anxiety just thinking about it. Being one of these people. Although at times I do get jealous of their freedom. The line between us is very thin you see. Every time they increase the rent, an entire street gets filled with thousands of them. A friend once told me that the government will introduce a euthanasia program for the elderly to decrease the population. They decreased the retirement age to 100 and then got rid of it all together. Most people today die at 60.

I take a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief as I finally reach my apartment. Now I can lie down on my side of the bed and get my much-needed 2 hours of sleep. The caffeine+ I took earlier makes my chest pound, making it hard for me to doze off. Maybe I can just doom-scroll for a few minutes until it's time to go to work again. Another day without sleeping isn't a big deal, is it? The tightness in my chest grows stronger, I don't think I felt this way before. It's at the point I can't ignore it. I go to the kitchen to search for my sleeping pills and almost tip over one of my roommates who was hurled on the floor in a fetal position. There was a pleasant look on his face, smiling peacefully as he was wearing a VR headset. Probably playing one of these X-rated games that are so popular these days. They made them so realistic, people (including me), don't even bother dating anymore. Creating a family now is just a pipe dream or a luxury reserved for those who make above average income. We are all too busy making a living. To deal with the rapid decrease in births, the government created a breeding program for women who can sell their wombs and carry children, who are then raised in community centers. I heard it's pretty well paid, especially if you are, well... pretty. If I was born a woman I would probably consider it as a career path. In some parts of the country, medicine is advanced enough to make you into a real biological woman with a womb, xx chromosomes, and everything, but I don't live in these parts. And even if I did, the procedure is so insanely expensive, that my grandchildren's grandchildren wouldn't even be able to pay out my debt.

Unexpectedly, I lose my balance and fall to the ground. Everything becomes blurry, my chest still hurts, but now it's combined with a splitting headache. I forgot why I was in the kitchen in the first place, my thoughts mesh together in an incoherent collage. I anticipate my life to flash before my eyes any minute now, but the only pictures my mind produces are from the mindless videos I watched, that lingered in the back of my head now and then.

Pills. I need to get my pills. I need to feel normal again. It's so hard to breathe. What even is normal? Is my life normal? Everyone else lived like this, so I assumed it was. I try so hard to think of a time when I was happy. Truly happy, and not just high on quick dopamine or some synthetic drug. When was the last time my brain has secreted endorphins on its own? I had to sell my childhood memories a few years ago in order to pay rent. I didn't think much of it at the time, but now I regret it. The fact that such a thing can even be done is crazy ow that I think about it. Has the world always been so terrible? No, it must be me. I'm sick. I'm sick and I need my medicine. Where is it? My body freezes. I can't muster the strength to move my limbs anymore. Is there anything that could be done? Or perhaps it's now too late to take action? Everything hurts, and my vision fades to black. I'm in an insufferable amount of pain.

17 Septembre 2024 09:15 0 Rapport Incorporer Suivre l’histoire
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A propos de l’auteur

Vanya Dimova I'm an artist and writer based in Bulgaria. My stories are all about subverting expectations. If you like my stuff, please consider supporting me over at Buy Me a Coffee, so I can make more of it. buymeacoffee.com/varckk

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