agua-aceite-9781712908238 Agua Aceite

Aziraphale doesn't know what he's doing. It's not that he hasn't observed humans, but it's hard to think that something so beautiful, which he has imagined so many times, could be... what this girl is telling him it is!

Fanfiction Livres Déconseillé aux moins de 13 ans.

#neilgaiman #ineffable-husbands #aziraphale #aziracrow #good-omens #terrypratchett
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Mary Magdalene

Warnings: This story is for a writing challenge by the Ineffable Writers that I'm doing to get us more publicity, sorry to all the readers of Sin City... since it's an excerpt from this Wink, wink, nudge, nudge to the newcomers.

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, Neil, don't be a jerk, you gave us permission to write fanfiction.

Premise: Moments of history, Life of Jesus.

There's Aziraphale, all smiles. Gabriel has sent him to help leave a message for Jesus on Earth because He's been driving him mad lately, with loads of messages every day... but the Principality hasn't minded because he's arranged to see Crowley afterwards.

Calmly, he knocks on the door of the house he's been told about, a single-story with a thatched roof and whitewashed adobe walls like all the others around. The only peculiarity of this one is a phallic shape carved into the wall. He smiles, swaying back and forth on his heels with his hands behind his back, waiting for someone to answer.

"One moment!" shouts Mary Magdalene, who was washing up at the back. She quickly throws on some clothes and heads to the door.

Aziraphale raises his eyebrows a bit, not expecting to hear a woman's voice, but he waits patiently. She approaches the door and opens it, raising her eyebrows.

"Oh, hello," she greets him, not expecting to see this man all in white with a turban. He must be a new client.

"Hello! Um... I was..." the angel hesitates a bit, looking inside nervously, rubbing his hands like a little pangolin.

"Come in, I don't have... anyone else booked right now, but it'll have to be quick because I do have clients later," she opens the door.

"Ah, well, no... Actually, I have something else to do afterwards so it's fine," he smiles and steps inside, looking around. It's not a very large room, with cream-coloured walls and some dark wood furniture. Light filters in through a few windows with curtains to create a soft and cool atmosphere compared to the outside.

"Good," she smiles and closes the door behind him. "What's your name?"

"Aziraphale. And you?" he responds, startled by the sound of the door and turning to look at her.

"Mary. What can I do for you, Aziraphale?" she looks at him like a cat to a mouse, leaning against the cabinet next to the wooden door and crossing her arms.

"Well, I have a request..." he searches in his tunic.

"What for?" she tilts her head.

"Do you know who Jesus of Nazareth is?" he looks at her.

"The carpenter? Yes," she smiles a bit.

"I've been sent to find him."

"He might come later, in the evening," she tucks her hair behind her ear, smiling more and blushing a bit, looking away.

"Oh. Until the evening?" he asks a bit disappointed because if he intended to deliver this and then go with Crowley...

"I'm not sure," she shrugs.

"Hmm... Um... Well, I need to talk to him and... any idea where he might be?"

"Probably with the lads on the boat or something. Maybe at the workshop?"

"Hmm, I won't find him so easily," he grumbles a bit under his breath, thinking it over. "Uhh... do you think I could wait for him with you?"

"I thought you came to see me, to be honest," she admits with a wave of her hand.

"Ohh..." he smiles at that. "Well, why not? I can come see you in the meantime."

"I mean, I have work later, but..."

"Ah. Anything I can help with? I can keep you company in the meantime," he suggests.

"Well, um... I've already told you I have a slot now," she explains.

"Very well," he smiles and nods... looking for somewhere to sit and choosing the bed in the absence of anything else.

"What... would you like then?" she glances at him sideways because this man seems to be unaware of what he's doing.

"Like... hmm... well, I don't know. Are you talking about eating?" he proposes with a slight hope that it's that.

"No, not exactly," she smiles nonetheless at the implication of that.

"Ohh... right" he puts his hands on his knees and drums them a bit, looking around. He was never very comfortable with humans; he never quite understood them enough. "Whatever you want."

"How much money do you have?" she approaches him.

"Uh... Money? Do you need money? Hmm... I have a little, yes" he smiles, searching again in his clothes.

"Well, a girl has to pay her bills, you know..." she shrugs, sitting down next to him on the bed.

"I understand, I understand" he nods, putting his hand in his pocket and pulling out a few coins that weren't there before, handing them to her.

"Mmm... with this, I can do a manual job" she assesses, counting it.

"Oh, that's very good. Isn't it?" he asks, thinking that perhaps she's going to do something with her hands and sell it to him.

"Well, yes. But you know, for a little more, it can be with the mouth. And for a bit more still... with another part. Some men like that. And finally, as God intended, for even more."

"With the... w-what?" He blinks.

"From behind" she explains, having once had problems beating around the bush trying not to make anyone uncomfortable and ending up with everyone even more uncomfortable.

"Behind what?" Aziraphale still doesn't understand.

"Behind me, darling" she gestures with her head, indicating.

"I don't understand... do you want more money?" he looks behind her and sees nothing but the cushions and the headboard of the bed.

"If you want something more interesting, yes" she explains, shrugging.

"I don't think it would be good to give you much more..." he hesitates a bit and still puts his hand in his pocket, taking out more money.

"Relax, relax" she counts it when he gives it to her. "There... there's enough."

"I'm glad. Now, what did you say you were going to sell me?" he puts his hands on his knees and smiles interestedly.

"You're funny" she gets up from the bed with the money in her hand. "Why don't you lie down and relax a bit? There's fresh water in that jug over there, and you can use the basin and cloths" she points to a corner where everything is tidy and arranged for washing up a bit because we have experience. "Let me change my clothes while you... get ready."

Aziraphale blinks, looking at the washbasin without understanding what he has to prepare. Is it to wash his feet? They did that a lot back then, and it was very pleasant.

"Do you want to change clothes? Are we going out?" he asks, still lying down a bit, as usual without having any idea what's going on.

"No. Relax, darling. And let me handle it" she says, going to the door leading further into the room.

"Um... What are you going to do?"

"Make you feel good" she winks before leaving the room.

Aziraphale thinks this friend of Jesus is a bit ugly with that make up and all that and looks around again, thinking a bit about Crowley and that he's going to be late.

Ugly? You're such an idiot!

No, no. I meant odd.

Don't try to make us believe now that you meant something else.

No! Really, no! It was accidental! He doesn't think she's ugly... nor not ugly! He thinks she's odd.

Whatever, the "ugly" Mary Magdalene returns practically naked.

She's not ugly!

Aziraphale, who had picked up a little wooden sheep from somewhere and was observing it, looks at her out of the corner of his eye when she enters and raises his eyebrows noticing that she's wearing really little clothing.

"Does this inspire you?" she asks seductively, standing in a doorway in a backlight with a studied pose.

"Does it inspire me? Um..." Aziraphale looks her up and down.

"Relax, relax. Everything will be fine, just let yourself go" she approaches him, ready to undress him herself.

"What are you doing?" he backs away a bit.

"I'm going to make you feel good" she explains in the same tone as before, shifting a bit on her lap as she unties the tunic from his back.

"B-But why?" Aziraphale leans back a bit more, resting on his elbows on the bed and looking at her utterly confused.

"Why not?" she runs her hands over his shoulders to remove his clothes, smiling.

"Wait. I don't understand what you mean by making me feel good" he lets her half do it, not understanding what's happening. I mean, this was what humans did with close people to show love and truth be told, he had once wondered how it would feel to do it, maybe with Crowley. But this girl wasn't doing that.

Actually, sorry, but the ugly one doesn't love you.

No wonder (After calling her ugly).

Nor before, and not like you're so handsome, you fat piece of shit.

It was a mistake!

Sure, sure.

"W-Wait. I don't understand what you're doing" Aziraphale insists.

"You don't need to understand anything, really" she protests a bit impatiently because if he doesn't cooperate a little, this will never go well.

"But I do need to understand, I don't know what you're doing" he protests back.

"It's just... are you a virgin?" she looks at him squinting because he looks like someone specially mature.

"A virgin? You mean... untouched? Of course I am!" so offended she is doubting it.

"Oh... "she raises her eyebrows because she didn't expect this. "Okay, that complicates things a bit, but don't worry, I'll go slowly."

"But what does that have to do with being a virgin?" the angel tilts his head.

"There's nothing wrong with it, a man can have a very hard time in life when he doesn't get female company."

"But exactly what do you want to do with me?"

"Solve your condition and make you feel good" she removes his clothes completely and makes him lie down on the bed. "Oh, look at this lad. What the girls are missing out on."

Heavens. Aziraphale blinks several times.

"But, did you say your name is Mary? No. Th-this doesn't... this... this is a thing of love.

She takes him with her hand to stimulate him a bit. Stimulate him. All very technical here.

"Yes, darling. But don't think about that."

Aziraphale jumps a little because he doesn't like being touched there and it already seemed quite strange in his fantasies.

"But weren't you going to sell me something? This is a thing that doesn't... No. I don't understand what's happening" he sits up a bit because also the girl seems to know what she's doing with that hand.

"Calm down, calm down" she makes him lie down again. "I promise you won't end up in my hands, it's just to put on protection."

"No, no. Yes, I know what you're doing, I've thought about it sometimes, but I don't know why you're doing it!" he keeps protesting, letting it happen.

"Why would it be?" she protests back, exasperated.

"Well, I don't know. I mean, why would you want to do it with me?"

Mary stops and looks at him because okay, he's a virgin and all that but if he keeps killing the mood every time then... damn.

"Let's get this straight, darling..." she responds in a tone of: Let's see, idiot...

"Don't you have friends to do this with? You just met me" please, have mercy on him, don't kick him.

"Excuse me?".her mouth opens like a fish.

"What you're doing is a declaration of love" he explains.

"No. Love and sex are different things. What do you think you paid for?"

"What? Sex? What does s-sex have to do with this?" Blink, blink.

"Yes, of course. I'm a prostitute. What did you think?" That because I'm ugly I couldn't do this?

"A... what?" Apologize to him, seriously, he has no idea.

"Prostitute. Whore. Woman who has sex in exchange for money. Where have you been all your life?"


"Of course. Look, mate, if you don't want to, I won't do it, but I'm not giving back the cash."

"No, no... no. No. But you... but... what does this have to do with sex?! Sex is bad, it's a sin!"

"Oh, damn. I'm going to kill that man one day, seriously" she protests, leaning back and sitting on the bed, facepalming, and now you can feel a bit of love come from her.

"Which man?" he tilts his head.

"Well, Jesus. Has he sent you again with his preachings, hasn't he? You know what else he says? Love one another."

"Yeah, sure... yes. But no. I've been sent to find him. Wait, what does this have to do with sex? You have to explain to me" he takes her wrist gently. "Please."

"Darling, this is sex. If you let me do it, you'll see" she explains.

"No, it's not sex" he responds, frowning.

"Isn't it? Then what is sex?" she tilts her head.

"Something that humans do that is sinful. This... this is something else. They do this when they're married and it's beautiful, but it can't be done with anyone like you wanted. Although... you felt love."

"And what does that thing consist of?"

"Uh..." he hesitates, because talking to a human he should know. "Something dirty and dangerous. In fact, you should know, you say you charge for it."

"I do. This is it. This is exactly what I'm telling you."

"No... no. No. Because I don't desire that. And yes, I desire... w-what exactly were you going to do? wait."

"Put a pig intestine on you and then put your penis in my vagina until you came."

"That's not sex. U-Unless... the pig intestine... I don't even know what that is" Blink, blink... completely bewildered.

"That's definitely sex. The intestine is what prevents me from getting pregnant after it" she sighs, waving her hand.

"But, no because I would never dare to think about having sex, that's a sin. But... no. It's not the same because what you're telling me is... a kiss."

"A kiss is mouth to mouth and that's not going to happen."

"It's not always with the mouth. Crowley sometimes has another mouth down there..."

"It's like this" she points... to her vital regions.

Aziraphale raises his eyebrows because they're just like... Crowley's other mouth.

"Yes... Y-Yes. Like that" he actually moves away from her quite a bit in shock, eyes wide open.

"Then, I'm sorry to tell you that your girlfriend is a woman, with a vagina that you've been fucking. Or dreaming of fucking. You're not a virgin and she'll get mad if she finds out you're here."


"This, it's not a mouth, darling" she points to herself again.

"N-No but... you don't understand. Sex is something else!"

"I wish you could describe to me what it is then."

"It's... It's... it's love! It's pure and innocent!"

"Look, sex can be done with love or without it, but that doesn't change that it's sex."

"No, no... You don't understand! It's just hugs and kisses!"

"Look, it's very easy. Hugs are with arms, kisses with the mouth. And anything involving this" she puts her hand on his vital regions. "Is sex."


"That's how it works. If it's with the hand it's a handjob. If it's with the mouth it's oral sex. If it's in front traditional sex and if it's from behind, sodomy."

Hands to mouth. I mean he's GENUINELY impressed and it's because... he has imagined everything he's seen humans do, because he has always felt RIGHT. She looks at him.

"I-I'm an... I'm an idiot" he raises his eyebrows because sins are of deed, word, omission... or THOUGHT.

"You probably like it. Is she married to someone else or something?"

"No, no... No. No. She's a demon. No. This is... This is a sin! A terrible one!"

"Mmm... Well, it's not the worst that could happen either. Ask her to be your wife and that's it."

"M-My... what?! I can't ask her to be my wife!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's not possible, no. I can't even get married and we're not compatible!"


"No. We shouldn't... heavens. I'm going to fall!" he assures a bit panicked, looking for his clothes to dress, shaking his head so worried.

"You better not tell her anything if you want to keep things as they are."


"Well, I think it's going to be fucking weird for her if you tell her you have sexual fantasies with her and didn't even know it."

"B-But I can't not tell her, she'll know when I fall..." he looks at her, stressed, putting on his tunic.

"Well... uh. Good luck "she shrugs.

"D-Do you think...? I've been thinking these things for YEARS" he squeezes his eyes shut. "Too many years" he sits on the bed, overwhelmed.

"Years? Seriously?" she raises her eyebrows.

"Yes! So many! More than you can imagine" he puts his hands on his head.

"And? How have you lived all these years without knowing this?"she glances at him sideways.

"W-Well, I don't know. Not talking much with anyone, maybe?" he laments.

"Well, what are you going to do?"

"Go to him and... I don't know, but I'm sure HE is... ugh. How come I never thought of that?!"

"Well, again, good luck" she insists, patting his back for comfort.

"What do you think I should do?" he looks at her.

"Keep going as you were" she shrugs.

"K-Keep going as I was without saying anything?" he hesitates.

"I don't know, mate."

"Would you do that?" he looks at her all forlorn.

"I have a complicated relationship" she looks away.

"More complicated than mine? Why?" he looks interested.

"I sleep with men for money" she gestures around the room and sighs cynically.

"You do this for money" almost as if he just found out.

"I've told you several times."

"Y-Yeah, you did. And... do you have a relationship with Jesus? "Okay, I know... His head is spinning.

She blushes and Aziraphale smiles too, feeling love.

"He's a special man" the angel assures sweetly.

"Well, yeah" she coughs, trying to play it down.

"And I'm sure he considers you a special woman"nhe tries to cheer her up.

"Look, I don't know what he's told you but cut that out" she demands seriously.

"What would he have told me?" Aziraphale raises his eyebrows.

"That I'm special and all that" she protests, rolling her eyes.

"Aren't you?"

"No" she's quite firm.

The angel moistens his lips thinking that just the fact of being with HIM, of living with him and loving him, will always make her a special woman.

"Look, he doesn't want that kind of relationship. And it's better because I can't have it either so... everything's fine without either of us being special in any way."

"Keep loving him, that's all he needs" the angel raises a hand and touches her face gently. She blinks and rolls her eyes, turning her face away and there's a knock at the door.

"Must be my client. JUST A MOMENT!" she shouts, getting up and closing her tunic again.

"Oh. U-uh... Er..." he stands up to finish dressing. "What time can I find Jesus here?"

"I don't know, go see if he's preaching in the temple. Leave from the back" she points him in the direction.

Aziraphale sighs with that, but nods, honestly wanting to go, to see Crowley.

"Thank you. You probably saved my life altogether."

"Your whole life?" she dresses quickly and pushes him a bit without really listening to him.

"Altogether" he corrects as he lets himself be pushed.

"Oh, yeah, sure, you're welcome" she keeps pushing him until he's outside, without even looking at him.

"Can you tell Jesus that his mother says that the wine thing didn't sit well with her?"

"Uh. I've never gotten along well with that woman."

"Oh. You mean... Oh. Uhhh... could you still tell him?" Aziraphale blinks.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. No wine" she pushes him again and closes the door once he's outside.

Aziraphale squeezes his eyes shut and stops for a bit going back and forth not quite sure what to do because how can that be sex? he's an angel, it can't be that he's having carnal desires for a demon!

He sighs remembering what Mary Magdalene said that perhaps it would be best to keep going as before.

17 Mai 2024 09:46 0 Rapport Incorporer Suivre l’histoire
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