They say if you pretend to be okay then eventually it'll become true ;I'm not so sure about that ,what if pretending doesn't help, why can't it be okay to not be okay?.
What does it even mean to be okay? Who even decided that they even had the right to decide what was okay and wasn't okay.
"Tyler Miller!" Was I just daydreaming? Oh right I'm in class ,I look up at my professor by the look on her face I knew I fucked up ,I've been daydreaming a lot lately especially in class this was my third time doing it in professor myers class.
"Sorry" i didn't mean for it to sound so sad,I could feel the entire class eyes on me and professor myers looked worried more then disappointed,the bell rang and I thanked whoever was calling the shots I was ready to get the hell out of here .
"Tyler Miller please come see me"I packed my things up and walked to the front of the room ,I already knew what she was going to talk to me about and today wasn't a day I wanted to hear it"Tyler I know you just left the mental health facility and I want you to know that I'm here if you ever need to talk" .
I wanted to call her names and punch her in the face,with her fake sympathy,she has over 200 students every class ,she knew she didn't have time to hear about my fucked up problems"thanks professor" I give her a small smile and walked out of the room.
If I didn't have to tell all my professors why I was gone for two weeks the I wouldn't have told them anything about my private life,but my dad would kill me if I got kicked out of college.
"Hey T wait up" I stop walking and turn to see my friend Eric running up to me "just because you took a vacation doesn't mean you can leave me on read" I met Eric when we were sophomores last year he knew why I was gone for two weeks and he never judged me for it .
"Sorry man,I just been really out of it lately" I hate how people treat you once they find out you've tried killing yourself or the questions they ask you about the self inflicted cuts on your body ,Eric has always treated me the same no matter what i told him .
"It's all good bro ,just text me later" he pats my back and walks away probably going to his next class,my next class didn't start for another hour so I usually just go back home and wait .
I walk home and notice there was a blue car parked in our drive way ,I hate that blue car and I hate the person who drove it ,I walk into the front door and there she was my therapist Jill talking to my Parental's,of course I knew it was about me considering I haven't been to see her since I left the facility.
"Oh good sweetheart you're home" my step mom comes over and hugs me ,I wasn't a touchy type of person so I didn't hug her back "Jill just came to check to see how you were doing" Jill could go fuck herself and eat rocks .
Jill stands from the couch and walks over to me and gives me a hug "I haven't heard from you ,I've been worried" worried my ass ,she was a therapist to many other fucked up people , She was missing the money my parentales Were giving her for my so called treatments.
I hate how people who get paid to take care of you always swear that they're actually here to help but once the money runs out they all of a sudden don't fucking care.
"Jill was just telling us you haven't been in contact with her since you left the hospital" Jill needs to shut the fuck up and leave me alone,Jill wasn't a bad person but she wasn't good either ,every-time we talked I could tell she really didn't care about what I was saying ,she's changed my medication four times ;now I'm on three different meds for different things just because I tried to open up to her.
I hate how the medicine makes me feel,I feel more empty then I was before ,so yeah fuck Jill.
"Ty we had a deal ,you would go see Jill three times a week and I would give you a little more room to breathe" fuck that deal and fuck being treated like a god damn child ,my dad was trying to be a good dad but he never understood me ,my mom died when I was ten from cancer and I feel like a peace of me died with her.
"You're right dad I'm sorry" I was in no mood to argue with him ,they were wasting my time and I wanted this to be over "I'll come see you Thursday" I told Jill who was still smiling like her fucking life was so perfect.
"How about tomorrow,I have an opening at nine" how about you open a fucking black hole and get sucked into it .
"Sure,see you tomorrow" I give them all the fakest smile I could do and walked upstairs to my room closing my door.
I lay on my bed and stare up at my ceiling ,I wish I died Two weeks ago ,what's the point of living when you're going to die anyways? I was about to take a nap when my phone starts beeping rapidly i sit up And take it out my pants pocket to see a bunch of text messages from my Acquaintances,I must of accidentally turned my phone back on .
After what happened I've kept my phone off for a while I didn't need to see people pitting me and sending prayers .
I text Eric back and shut my phone off without even bothering to check the other messages, I get it some people care about me but I never understood why,why care about me when I don't even care about myself,I feel like that's a waste of emotions.
I toss my phone to the ground and laid back on my bed I might as well take a five minute nap,to bad my five minute nap turned into a two hour nap ,I wake up and quickly look at my clock on my nightstand and mentally face palmed myself,I was going to fail my math class .
I get up and rush downstairs to see my dad and step mom slow dancing in the dining room,my dad noticed me and stops dancing "hey kiddo you've been sleep for hours" yeah no shit.
"Yeah ,I overslept,I gotta go" I grab my backpack and walked out the front door ,I only had two classes today and since I missed my last one I might as well go and beg my math professor to give me extra credit.
"Of course you can get extra credit Mr.Miller" I should of known he was going to say that ,all my professors probably didn't want to be the one to fail the suicide kid ,he goes in his desk and hands me a couple of papers to do.
"Thanks professor Johnson ,I appreciate it" I shake his hand and walk out the class ,while putting my papers in my backpack I bump into someone "watch where you're walking man" I said as all my papers fell to the concrete floor.
"Oh I'm so sorry ,let me help you" we were both picking up my papers and I noticed how cut up the guys arms and hands were they were worse then mine ,we stand up and he gives me the rest of my papers "sorry again" when I looked at him he looked more empty then I did ,he had long and short cuts all on the right side of his face ,he was dark skinned but you could still see the cuts .
"No um I'm sorry,I wasn't watching where I was going" something about him made me feel something,I wasn't gay and I wasn't attracted to him sexually but I was attracted to know him,he was probably about 300 pounds and he had dark curly hair ,he was wearing glasses and he smelled better than me.
"It's all good as long as you got your papers and no one got hurt,see ya stranger" I turned and watched him walk away ,I wanted to say something,I wanted to know him .
"Boo" I jump a little and turn to see Eric chuckling at his little scare prank "dude what were you staring at?" He asked me ,he was now looking In the direction I was just looking at.
"Some guy bumped into me and my papers fell,but it was my fault he was so cool about it" something was telling me I needed to know that guy and I missed my chance to .
Me and Eric started to walk around the campus talking about what we were going to do over the weekend "dude come on ,these are third row tickets to the lakers ,come with me this weekend" I hated sports no scratch that I hated basketball and football .
"Bro you know I hate sports"
"Such a lame-O ,well I just take Jamie" Jamie was Eric's girlfriend of four years ,she was okay but she was a attention seeker ,she only wanted to kill herself whenever her and Eric argued or broke up ,If I was Eric I would of told her to fucking do it ,hell I would give her directions on how to properly cut your wrist so you bleed out faster.
My suicide attempt was on impulse well that's what Jill said,if my dad didn't hide all the sharp objects from my first suicide attempt then I would of just slit my wrist and called it a day but unfortunately all I had in my possession was my medication so it was bottoms up .
I bid Eric bye and walked back home,my dad and step mom were cuddled up on the living room couch watching reality tv like the sheep they were "hey champ" I ignored him and walked up to my room ,I didn't feel like talking I just wanted to be alone.
I pick up my phone from the floor and turn it back on ,I might as well see all the concerned text messages from my piers,once my phone loaded all the notifications started beeping,I go on social media and that's when I seen him,the guy from earlier people were sharing his live all over my timeline ,he had a knife to his head,I could tell the knife was dull and not sharp at all but that didn't stop him from putting so much force into cutting his face.
Blood was dripping to his eye lids as he kept cutting his face with his eyes close while singing along to the music in the background,the comments was filled with people being concerned,I usually could watch stuff like this but seeing him doing it made me feel uncomfortable and sad so I turned it off and went on to his page .
His name was Derrick Foster,the last post he posted before his live was six days ago and it was a selfie of him with the caption'I love you guys' he had over 100 likes on the picture,he was smiling but I knew it was fake, I read the comments of everyone on the post and they all seemed to love him but they weren't really reading his caption,it was a goodbye.
I go back to his live to see he now had a knot on his forehead and some woman and a few young guys were now trying to grab the knife from Derrick,they were screaming and crying for him to please let go ,his blood was getting all over them. Derrick finally let the knife go and started banging his head on the desk he was sitting at ,the three young man grabbed him trying to stop him from banging his head then the live ended .
My heart was pounding,was he okay? Did they stop him in time ? Why was I so concerned about a stranger I just met today? I never felt worried like this,not since my mom died .
The next morning I was being woken up by my step mom to go see Jill in a hour ,I really didn't want to go but I knew my dad would be on my case if I didn't ,I get up and change my clothes , I check my phone and go to Derrick's page ,his live video was gone and there was a status update ,I look at the time and put my phone in my pocket.
my step mom was waiting for me in her car. My step mom wasn't terrible I believe she cares about me but she isn't my mom no one could ever replace my mother .
And here I was ,sitting across from Jill while she sat there waiting for me to talk so she could type it on her piece of shit laptop , we only had a hour to talk every session and I knew what I say in this hour would determine the next thing that would happen to me.
"So how has college been?" Oh god ,she's going to try to make small talk with me.
"It's fine" this sucks ,I could be sleep right now but no here I am talking to a person that gets paid to judge me ,therapy is nothing but you talking to a stranger about you feeling numb and them writing down what to diagnosis you with .
"Anything new in your life" yeah I'm worried about a guy named Derrick Foster who might of killed himself last night .
"Nope" I didn't want to be here and Jill sucked at her job "can I go pee" I needed to get away from her ,she nods and points me into the direction of the restrooms ,I look at myself in the mirror and take in some air ,I take my phone out and checked Derrick's page to read the updated status that already had 70 likes.
" hi this is Derrick's mother ,he is okay and was taken to the hospital,thank you all for you support and concern,I know he would appreciate it too"
All the comments were so supportive and positive ,how could a guy with this much support be so sad? From everything on his page he seemed like a positive person who loved his life .
I put my phone back in my pocket and walk back to Jill's office "so where were we?"ugh I hate this woman ,the rest of the time was spent with her asking me dry ass questions and me giving her dry ass answers "well our time is just about up,Tyler I really hope to see you Thursday,oh and here take this".
She hands me a pamphlet for a young adults group counseling at the health facility in the city "thanks" I shake her hand and walk out the office ,my dad was the one coming to pick me up while I waited for him outside I see the lady who I believe to be Derrick's mom coming out the building I was just in ,was she also being seen ? She was holding a medical bag ,there was a pharmacy at the top floor of the building for patients.
She walked to a van and I watched her drive away ,I was becoming to invested in this boys life and I had no clue why ,I wanted to know if he was okay and if he wanted a friend ,I really wanted to be there for him,I should of asked his mom if he was okay.
I jump realizing I had zoned out and my dad was waiting for me ,he had beeped once he didn't catch my attention "come on bud,you ready to go?" I got into the car and I knew he was about to ask me how it went "how did it go?" She was annoying and I spent most of the time in the restroom.
"It went okay" I start looking out the window and my dad knew that meant I didn't want to talk anymore . My dad was trying I know but he's trying to late ,growing up he was barley there and when he was he was partying but my mom loved him for all his flaws and she never judged him for them .
When we got home I quickly go to my room and take out my phone I went back into the comment section of Derrick's post and seen a few people I knew comments they even had pictures with him wishing for him to get better ,this guy was so fucking loved what was making him so sad.
I start scrolling down his timeline and ended up on his page for hours reading things he posted or shared ,seeing all the pictures he was tagged in by other people,I got a few messages and post when I tried to kill myself but this guy actually had friends he actually hung out with them and they genuinely seemed to care for him.
I wish I was him ,I started to get jealous of him ,he had what I wanted ,he had people who actually gave a fuck about him ,they didn't judge him and here he was cutting his face on live and yet I knew he didn't do it for attention but he still did it in a public way and I wonder why .
I refreshed his page just hoping for a update and I got it ,it was his mom again letting everyone know he was going to be in a mental hospital facility for a while and if anyone wanted to visit him they could ,she posted where they took him and the hours for Visitors,i had a crazy idea I really wanted to see him and just talk to him that's when I noticed the facility he was in was the same one from the pamphlet Jill gave me.
I never did anything like this in my life but something wanted me to meet him and I knew exactly how I was going to.
Merci pour la lecture!