Dont look up, whatever you do dont look up. Keep staring at the ground, breathe just breathe. Everyone is staring at you, just dont stop walking. I can feel their judgement. Im fat, there is no hiding it. I am not easily hidden. Existing is a burden, the stupid jokes people make, the little comments, they hurt a lot more than i can ever describe.
As i walk the ground crumbles i just wish it would take me with it. Secondary school. Its the first day, i walk in unable to breathe, eyes down. Now i wont pretend i dont have friends because i do. I have a big friendship group. They all seem nice. Until they arent, my best friends always make sly digs about my weight, when the topic even comes up i want to vanish.
Lunch. Or as i call it hell. Fat people are always judged on what they eat- get a salad there isnt a point why is the fat bitch eating a salad who is she trying to fool, get pizza theres no wonder your so big. 4 weeks go by the excuse i feel sick always got me out of eating, or im not hungry. of course i still ate, just binge eating at night. I guess i was trying to numb the guilt i felt about being alive.
just existing always made me feel like a bother as though i was wasting peoples time, annoying them by being here. I used to get home and grab what i could get my hands on, the more i ate the less i felt. School felt like a punishment, a way to feel stared at, judged.
To my fellow self contious teens, i can trigger you with one word Pe. thats it. When your bigger and not confident the mere thought of others glimcing at your body is enough to knock you of your breath. I used to huddle in stalls afraid of being seen by anyone. How could i let them see this body, my body.
Comments. I admit i wasnt terribly bullied, i was bullied but not much in secondary school i got the worst of it in primary. I guess people are better at talking behind your back when you get older. The worst of it is when it happens infront of other people it was the most shameful thing that could happen. I pretended i didnt hear i thought it was less awkward, until your friends point it out and it makes it worse.
all in all i do not give the experience 10 stars.
Merci pour la lecture!
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