“Woo… woo…,” cried my mother who was sitting near her bedroom door.
“Viv, mother and I are busy. Go to your room and play,” said my father as he shut the bedroom door behind him.
Although I did not grasp what was making mommy cry, I understood they were arguing… yet again.
I went to bed early as the next day is Saturday and I would not have a school that Saturday.
I wanted my father to go amusement park with me and my little brother.
But the next morning…
“Daddy, daddy… why are you packing your suitcase. Won’t you come to the amusement park with me and my brother today?... Isn’t today holiday… mama…woo…woo…” cried me?
“Sorry, princess. I must travel to inland China this morning to attend an important business meeting. I am afraid I will be away for the next 5 days. But I promise my little princess, I will bring home a Hello Kitty, ok?” said my father as he touched and messed with my hair.
“I don’t like you. You are either sleeping on Sunday and never playing with me, or you are on a trip away from me. I don’t like you…” I cried as I run to my room and lock myself in it.
This was the way I was growing up as the eldest daughter in the family. I had one younger brother.
My parents were not aware I was isolated by my classmates at elementary school.
And when my grandmother from my mother's side, and my grandfather from my father's side, both died the same year, with only one month apart in 5th grade, I was crushed.
My grandparents were the only ones who had time for me.
Both of my parents worked until extremely late every day. And when they returned from work, all they cared was about my academic progress.
My parents never learned about my needs: psychological and emotional.
From a young age, I realized there was no one here to make me feel better.
I was the only person who could make myself happy.
When nobody loves you, you must learn to love yourself first.
There was one day in school, I heard about King Solomon from the bible for the first time.
And I had a brilliant idea: Why not ask God for wisdom?
So, I prayed to God to grant me wisdom, so I would know how to care for myself. And it was granted!
God has not only granted me wisdom but also perceptive understanding and discernment.
Through watching TV drama, I was able to tap into the feelings of the characters in the stories and gain wisdom about human thoughts and emotions, and how people interact with each other.
You may be curious how I passed those hours at the playground when every single of my classmate ignored me and did not want to play with me - I chose to celebrate other people's joys and happiness.
When I focus on understanding other people's thoughts, and feelings, when I make an observation of the joys and happiness that is happening to people around me, suddenly, I do not feel lonely anymore.
Because I am living along with my classmates’ joys and happy memories.
When I was in elementary school, I have also started to train myself to have a better sense of self-awareness.
After all, if you are not aware of the situation you are in, you cannot help yourself out.
The first step to increase self-awareness is to train oneself to recognize what kind of emotions she is feeling, and why she is feeling what she is feeling.
Learning to recognize how my body feels, also helps me to realize what I am feeling because, for every emotion, we can sense it in our body.
I continued learning how to enjoy my own solitude, as I progress from elementary school to high school.
To a point, I totally enjoy having lunch and going window shopping on my own.
When I looked back to my childhood now, I realized I was never on my own. I have always been accompanied by Christ Jesus, who has been protecting my mind, soul, and spirit.
And I was not using my own wisdom or relying on my own strength: All the way it was God who was carrying me on His shoulder. He was the source of energy, peace, and wisdom.
Merci pour la lecture!
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