The Devil whispered in my ear today You are not strong enough to withstand the storm, today I whispered in the devil's ear, I am the storm!
Finally everything is over, and he is under lock and key.
At least that's what I thought, but nothing could be further from the truth Tonight you were there again! so as not to cry out in the silence of the night the pillow pressed firmly to my mouth, I fought with you, resisted you, but I lost you won
you were too strong, just like then, then all those years and now.
A good afternoon a day like no other.
Tonight you were there again, I struggled with my pillow as I struggled with you then, when you had me in the handle and tied my hands and feet in that moment I wanted to scream but I couldn't because he had shut my mouth,
now i can but i don't want to not a word i can utter Never mind a scream or a cry for help my throat clenches with fear and choked words.
yet I didn't give up!
When I wasn't tied up I resisted at least I tried but you were bigger stronger older you were man.
And you didn't assume for a moment that you would lose to a girl who was 26 at the time!
the rapes and torture lasted five years now I and my children are safe in bed, but you are still here!!
Just like then.
last night you were there again, jumped out of bed, chased away the worst darkness with a small light and took a pen and paper.
You should know how many nights have passed in such a way that I cry trying to put my confused feelings on paper!
Enzo hopes to escape the power of the memories in which you hold me captive of your tortures your rapes, your abuse.
second by second your words, movements, your actions are registered in my memory!
Like in a movie a movie that shows itself at the most inopportune moment for the hundredth time for the thousandth time I relive it how you throw me on the bed tie me up,how you tear my clothes to shreds and then brutally
I feel comforted by the thought that I have not given in a moment, not a muscle, not a fiber in my body that has been left untapped!
I feel a little prouder when you tried to kiss me my mouth outsmarted you.
I feel broken when I realize again there was nothing to gain, you'd get your way anyway!
but i feel even more broken lonelier when i realize you abused the kids too! it's heavy, unbearable, the rapes, torture the abuse.
Tonight you were there again!
again you left me upstairs, again I got dressed in record time, to take away that vulnerable feeling, and snuck downstairs to escape, again you threatened to harm the children if i dared to escape,
I went down, and bit my tears, NO!
YOU WOULD NOT GET ME ANY MORE!!
No more tears for you. I've been in the shower for at least three hours, scrubbed me with the most aggressive soap, washed my hair over and over, liters of water I used to wash your intrusive body.
wash off me.
But I kept feeling dirty!
the feeling was not only on my skin but also in my skin, you literally and figuratively left your mark!
broken bones the bruises would heal in time but the bruises on my heart and brain would last forever and i know i could only accept that thought if i ignored those marks no more thinking no more talking about it!
Of course it wouldn't help, I was just punishing myself for it, "Shut up" tonight you were back!
and do i realize this has done even more pain and harm, the questions the despair, the pain, Intolerable, can you imagine r???do you ever think???how we have to live with this suffocating feeling
that overtakes us every day, every night?
last night you were there again!!
even at night you can't leave me alone, no of course not!
of course you didn't realize that these are the consequences, if only you had done it! if only you could realize what your lust and power feelings have wrought, how you have destroyed our lives! wake up at night startled from a nightmare drags you
me up the stairs with my hair, then throw yourself on the bed, tie me hand and foot and shut my mouth, and then get your daughter up the fire escape texts, I can still see her face shaking her head of no with tearful eyes,
but then you threatened her, and she fetched it.
you turned it on and let the flames on my body, after it was gone you got the iron to put it on the highest setting further on my body, then you ran a bath with salt and put me in it.
the pain the excruciating pain cannot be described.
Last night you were there again!
i wake up scared from a nightmare, always at the same time, sausages on the bed suddenly manage to escape you grab i run to the bedroom door and rattle it and as always happens in a heart-pounding thriller happens now too, in my panic get
I don't open the door, when I hear your cynical laugh I know I'm trapped tonight, tomorrow, for life!
Merci pour la lecture!