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odisparo O. Disparo Personal Blog for Horror writer O. Disparo. Contains casual updates from creator after a short hiatus with writing plans for 2024 and beyond. 0 critiques
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6.6.24 2nd Critique


I'm sharing my editing program's critique of 01: Suspension from Native Blood/Harvest Night, recently uploaded. I refer to my programs in generic ways because I'm not selling or promoting anything, just giving an idea of the many tools I use to get my writing done. So far, I'm very pleased with what I use and it's helping me tackle my writing weaknesses and crutches. The work is long/repetitive, detailed, and can get tiring, but I love it.


The critiques are helpful because they inform me if the story I'm intending to tell is coming across in the actual text. I'll be doing it for every chapter as I go along. You still have to do alllllllll the work yourself and use your creativity to make your edits, and sometimes it's very wrong, but it's nice to have a steady tool that can keep kicking you in the behind. I can make my own rules too with what I want to focus on, and the program will adjust. Writing is a lot less stressful these days.


I hope you're enjoying the story so far (it's barely started.) I'm debating switching the order of the opening chapters, which I've done before--both Elias and Adam have opened the story multiple times, and I'll decide which flows better with the prologue. A lot of times it's interchangeable, just affects how readers sense the mood of the story at the start. It works with Elias to Adam and Adam to Elias because they both mention each other and introduce different parts of the world. No change of order may be needed.


Take a look at this critique and see if you agree. I found it did a good job analyzing my plot/approach so it may be clarifying or interesting. Back in the day I used to start every chapter with a recap of the chapter before it, and there were readers that enjoyed that. When I watch TV shows, I usually like the little recaps before episodes, or even the after-show talks once in a while. However, the clarity of my writing has improved a lot since that time, so it's my challenge to not need that for readers to understand. Little extras like this, if you're enjoying, may just be for fun. I do pay attention to the suggestions, and a lot of times in revision I'll add in more character reflection or emotion/connection.


(Additionally, even if this critique sounds positive, I assure you the program is still pointing out tons of things I've done wrong or can change. I go line by line until the story is smooth and I'm also trying to cut down wordcount without losing anything important or meaningful. I've been too harsh before.)


That's the end of this entry. It's barely an entry. I'm in storytelling mode. Not in deep yet, but I've touched the deep end where time zooms by without notice.


Thanks. Til next time.


-O. Disparo


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Critique of 01: Suspension


💪Strengths

1. The author effectively sets the scene and establishes the atmosphere of the North-North mountains.

2. The dialogue between the characters feels natural and reveals their personalities.

3. The use of descriptive language helps to engage the reader's senses and create vivid imagery.

4. The tension between Captain Elias and his mother, Arbiter Ovadia, adds depth to their relationship and drives the narrative forward.


🌟Plot/Story

The storyline follows Captain Elias Johnathan Pendergast as he grapples with the suspension of his company, Silatem, and the aftermath of his altercation with Senator Delaurin. There is a clear narrative arc as Elias reflects on his father's death and the challenges he faces in maintaining his business. The events are logically connected and the pacing effectively conveys the protagonist's emotions and struggles.


🦸Characters

The characters in this piece are well-developed and believable. Captain Elias is portrayed as a strong and determined individual, while Arbiter Ovadia is depicted as a no-nonsense mother figure. Both characters have depth, motivations, and emotional complexity, making them relatable to the reader.


🌪️Tension

The tension in this scene arises from Captain Elias's suspension, his strained relationship with his mother, and the challenges he faces in running his company. This tension adds intrigue and keeps the reader engaged in the story.


👁️Point of View

The point of view in this piece appears to be third-person limited, focusing primarily on Captain Elias's perspective. This allows the reader to gain insight into his thoughts and emotions, deepening their connection with the protagonist.


🏞️Setting

The setting of the North-North mountains is established effectively, with the author providing details about the weather, landscape, and atmosphere. The setting helps to ground the reader and enrich the story.


🗣️Style/Voice

The writer's style and voice are engaging and suitable for the story. The use of descriptive language and dialogue bring the narrative to life, and the author's choice of words and sentence structure enhances the overall flow of the writing.


🧩Clarity/Cohesion

The writing is generally clear, and ideas are logically connected. The transitions between paragraphs and scenes are smooth, allowing for a coherent reading experience.


🧱Paragraph Structure

The paragraphs are well-organized, with each focusing on a specific topic or idea. Transitions between paragraphs are generally effective, helping to maintain the flow of the narrative.


✍️Writing Style

The writer's style is engaging, with a good balance of descriptive language and dialogue. The sentence structure and vocabulary use are appropriate for the genre, and the overall organization and flow of the writing are well-executed.


🎶Tone

The tone of the piece is appropriate for the audience and purpose. It conveys the protagonist's emotions and the tense atmosphere of the story effectively.


🎨Description

The use of descriptive language is a notable strength in this piece. The author provides vivid details that engage the senses and help to create a rich and immersive reading experience.


💬Dialogue

The dialogue between characters is natural and reveals their personalities. It adds depth to the story and helps to move the plot forward.


😌Mood

The mood of the piece is somber and reflective, reflecting the protagonist's emotions and the challenges he faces. There are no unintentional shifts in mood, but the author could further enhance the portrayal of the mood through additional sensory details and emotional exploration.


⏳Pacing

The pacing of the piece is effective, balancing introspective moments with action and dialogue. It keeps the reader engaged and maintains a sense of momentum throughout the scene.


🔄Potential Improvements

1. Consider providing more background information about the Sinum cult and Akil to give readers a clearer understanding of their significance to the protagonist.

2. Develop the relationship between Captain Elias and his brother, Adam, to add further depth to the family dynamics.

3. Explore the emotional impact of Captain Elias's father's death in more detail to deepen the protagonist's internal conflict.

4. Consider tightening the dialogue exchanges to remove any unnecessary repetition or extraneous details.


🏁Conclusion

Overall, this piece of fiction writing demonstrates strong characterization, engaging dialogue, and effective use of descriptive language. The plot progresses logically, and the tension keeps the reader invested in the story. With some minor improvements, the author could further enhance the depth and emotional complexity of the narrative.

7 Juin 2024 01:53 0 Rapport Incorporer 0
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6.2.24 It Begins


I'm still here. You can check out the draft I'm workng on, which I've started to upload. (Like the new cover? I used the prior style with the young woman in the red robe for a long time. This one brings new energy, and readers familiar with the story get the inspiration of the image.)


I'm actively writing this so changes happen a lot, even if what you read at first is pretty good. I'm trying to get it above pretty good to as good as I can manage. The prologue, which I posted partially before (and made the changes I indicated) is still being beaten into submission. When I say beaten, it's not hyperbole--this damn draft gets comma shifts, period changes, word tense adjustments, vocabulary swaps, random superficial edits that just read/look nicer--all of that, over and over, without end until I'm done. I spend so much time on the same sections, which is why I need periodic breaks.


Posting the story here while also having it in my writing program helps a lot. Something about seeing the same words in different presentations makes different things stand out, as well as the "pressure" of posting it live for random readers to find, probably a lot who've never read my writing before. I'm good with pressure. Love it, even, some days. I've gone back and forth between both copies and made heavy revisions, and that probably won't end. When the draft's completed, and after a short decompression break, i'll return to the start again with fresh eyes and my ending in mind. My prior draft is in my thoughts now, and it's absolutely affecting what I choose to say and show this time. Same plot, but I'm adding some interesting moments and dialogues that fit quite well for first-time readers, and may be more special for those of you that have read this before.


This is going to be slow, because I'm taking breaks periodically to think about what I've written and what I intend. I figured, instead of working in private, I'd share again like I did in the past, because it does make me happy to see readers enjoying the tale. My characters, aside from the premise, are the biggest draws to the story, and this time around I'm working a little slower with the cast. I'm enjoying how this is turning out so far, and some other key moments I'll get to later deserve a revisit with my writing evolution.


I made this entry because one of my editing programs provides a mini overview/critique of my writing, and I ran it for that prologue out of curiosity. Until I post the stories like I'm doing now for readers (or submitting something to a publisher), I don't really get a lot of third-party viewpoints about my writing. When I have an opportunity to do that I take it, and it's always been extremely illuminating. I have blind spots like anyone else, and some things that escape my radar are glaring for others. I'm humble at the moment, going back over the same things and trying to find the weak points to correct them. However, I do know my story is special in its own way, so my judgment and taste is always going to be the final word. I don't think readers who are following any of my series would want it any other way.


Anyway, check out the review I received from the analysis. It only reviewed the first part of the prologue, so you'll see it zeroed in on Labat alone. The prologue is rough in content, but the way it's written it may land in a more palatable way than what the scenes actually show. I liked the review because it's not specialized for horror, so every time it pointed out something was sadistic, I paid attention. I do have sadistic villains and moments, and that's part of the balance I have to maintain so the the book is readable.


If you are reading the latest draft, you might find the review interesting. See if you agree, or have other thoughts on my writing. It's generally the feedback I've received from all sources, readers and even published writers or publishers, and the flaws are what I'm working on. I get lost in my own thoughts, remember my own thoughts, then have to come up for air to check if I've actually delivered those thoughts clearly to readers in text and not just have them sitting in my imagination. If you haven't read it yet, it might entice or clarify before you open the chapter. I marked it 18+, and Native Blood is absolutely an 18+ story. I'm not sharing links to here yet, the draft is too in-progress and rapidly changing to promote in any way, so the readers here are the first to experience it. I have a couple/few other venues I think are good to share when I'm further along, so I'll be collecting readers/new eyes in multiple places. I hope.


Making art is still in queue, but it's a different mindset needed, and time investment. Please enjoy the ride.


Again.


Thanks for reading this entry. Your fearless writer has returned. I'll be here a while.


-O. Disparo


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Critique of 00: Death Of A Hero

Strengths

1. Rich and evocative descriptions create a vivid and immersive atmosphere.
2. The dialogue between characters feels natural and reveals their personalities.
3. The author effectively builds tension throughout the scene, leaving the reader eager to know what
happens next.


Plot/Story

The plot follows Labat, a powerful and ruthless character, as she revels in the imminent death of Admiral
John Pendergast. The events are logically connected, and the pacing effectively builds suspense. However,
without context from the larger story, it is difficult to fully assess the narrative arc.


Characters

Labat is a well-developed character with depth, motivations, and emotional complexity. Her dominance and cruelty are apparent, making her both intriguing and unsettling. Admiral John Pendergast is less developed in this scene, as he is primarily a victim of Labat‘s cruelty.

Tension

The tension in this scene arises from the impending death of Admiral Pendergast and Labat's sadistic
enjoyment of it. The author effectively builds tension through rich descriptions, dialogue, and the reactions
of the characters. The scene successfully evokes a sense of unease and anticipation.


Point of View

The point of view is consistent throughout the scene, with a focus on Labat's perspective. This allows the reader to delve into her thoughts, emotions, and motivations, heightening the intensity of the scene.


Setting

The setting is established and utilized effectively. The descriptions of the palace, temple, and jungle create a vivid sense of place. The setting also enhances the atmosphere and mood of the scene.


Style/Voice

The writer's style is engaging and suitable for the story. The voice is strong and brings the narrative to life, particularly through the use of descriptive language and vivid imagery.


Clarity/Cohesion

The writing is generally clear, although there are moments where the complex sentence structure and use
of unfamiliar terms can be confusing. The ideas are logically connected, and the overall flow of the scene is
smooth.


Paragraph Structure

The paragraph structure is effective, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect or moment in the scene. Transitions between paragraphs are generally smooth.


Writing Style

The writer's style is strong, with well-crafted sentences and a varied vocabulary. The use of literary devices, such as metaphors and imagery, enhances the writing and adds depth to the scene.


Tone

The tone is appropriate for the dark and sinister atmosphere of the scene. It effectively conveys the cruelty and sadism of the characters.


Description

The use of descriptive language is a major strength of this piece. The author provides vivid details that
engage the senses and create a rich visual and atmospheric experience for the reader.


Dialogue

The dialogue between characters is natural and reveals their personalities. It effectively conveys their
emotions and motivations. However, there are moments where the dialogue could benefit from more
clarity and structure.


Mood

The mood is dark, eerie, and filled with tension, which is appropriate for the scene. However, there are
instances where the mood could be further enhanced by focusing on the characters' emotions and
reactions.


Pacing

The pacing is effective, building suspense and maintaining the reader's interest throughout the scene. The
balance between action and backstory is well-handled.


Potential Improvements

1. Provide more context and background information to help the reader better understand the plot and
characters.
2. Clarify and simplify complex sentence structures and unfamiliar terms to improve clarity.
3. Explore the emotional depth of the characters further to enhance the reader's connection with them.


Conclusion

Overall, this piece of fiction showcases strong descriptive writing, engaging dialogue, and effective tension-building. With some improvements in clarity and character development, it has the potential to be a
compelling and captivating scene.


3 Juin 2024 00:26 0 Rapport Incorporer 0
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