28 de Diciembre de 2018 a las 19:14
Since I was a kid, all I had by my side was my grandma, no one did ever tried to help me besides her, I never had something like parents worrying for me, every single one of those things were just fiction for me, would I say my parents loved me? No. They didn't, what my parents were constantly verbally abusing of me, I never had physical injuries (At least heavy ones)
You can think this is just some weird kind of feeling, but it isn't, even if there's no physical damage, a damaged mind can be way more devastating than some injuries.
My grandma was the only one I could say that she loved me, no one else did, I have 2 sisters, both are older than me, before I realized it, I started depending on my grandma for everything, until she was diagnostized with colonic cancer, it was found too late, there was nothing that could save her, since that, my mind started dropping harder and harder, everybody knew she had cancer, but her.
I didn't wanted to her that she had cancer, I always slept with her, since my parents did never look after me, I was constantly clinging up to my grandma, she was some kind of mental support for me, one night, I was sleeping with her, when the morning hit, around 5 a.m, I had to get to bathroom, but I was still in a young age (8), so I was scared of going alone, I tried waking up my grandma, but she simply didn't woke up.
Damn, I was scared, I had no idea of what to do, I was about to cry, so I called my mom, after I woke her up, she started yelling at me because I was awake at 5 a.m, then I told her my grandma won't wake up, she ran to my room and started trying to wake her up, but she was already dead, they called an ambulance at 6 a.m, when we were at home, my mom started yelling at me, saying I was in fault for not telling them earlier, I was a kid, there was no way I could control my sleep, but she didn't stopped yelling at me, slowly destroying me.
My sister noticed this, she grabbed my hand and took me to her room, made me listen to some old music my dad had (Mostly Michael Jackson) so I won't hear my mom screaming and my dad yelling at her cause of saying all those mean things to me, all I had at that time was an old mp3 that belonged to my dad with some weird music, but it had this song, 'Stairway to Heaven' that song really got me, it gave me hope, I stopped going to school since my grandma died, I wouldn't consider I had friends at school, since all I did was constantly looking up for grades, if I talked to someone, it had to do something with school, never really talked to other kids.
One day, my mom found me listening to my dad's mp3, took it from me and I don't know what happened to that mp3, I was dying, I had nothing I could do, my mom made me get back to school, that's when I met this guy, if I recall correctly, his name was Kevin, he was my first friend, he always told me he had some deep problems in his family, his dad used to get home drunk and hit him and his mom, I knew those problems were nothing like mine, he was really in some trouble, as the time went by, we were really close to each other, we always trusted each other, till one day, Kevin stopped going to school, of course, I was worried about my friend, so I skipped class so I could go to his home, when I asked for him, his mom started to cry at me, saying his husband smashed a beer jar into Kevin's head, he was in hospital, after that, it was like my heart broke into pieces, I kept going to school, but my grades dropped a lot (I used to have grades from 9-10, dropped to 5-6, which was the exact minimum for approval), My teacher told my mom about my grades dropping, so she yelled at me once again, but there was never physical damage.
I always thought I could've been better if I didn't met Kevin, though I know this isn't true, but I constantly used to think I had no right for being sad, since there was physical damage at Kevin's house, I thought I was just some stupid kid who was being influenced by himself, said to myself I was fine because my situation was nothing like Kevin's, stopped looking for me and I became something like a seccondary character in my own life, started worrying about everything but me, my grades got back to normal and I started to talk to some other kids, made some 'friends' but none of those was even close to what Kevin was to me, the time went by, and when I had the age of 9 I fell in love with a girl, though I don't remember her name, I was really in love with her, I was constantly thinking about her, and daydreaming how good it'd be if we were a couple, I was always the kind of person to think love is the best thing of the world, told my friends I liked her, and some of them were completely cunts, they would immediately tell her I was in love with her, and some of those said she was in love with me too, like, that made me happy, thinking she was in love with me gave me the courage to confess later on.
I never had the courage to talk to her, I was afraid of what she could think of me, I was never worried about the way I looked, I had some hopes, but I didn't confessed that early, I kept focusing at school, exams were not even a bit hard for me, I was the kind of person to memorize things quickly, a lot of kids said I had an amazing skill, but for me that was nothing, I never liked the idea of being the best on something, so I regularly kept myself away from the top 1, I could read perfectly, plus I won some reading constests cause I thought that would make me feel good, but it wasn't like that, they feeling I had was like 'bitter', so I stopped putting effort into reading, there was nothing for me in my life but the girl I loved, I had to do some stuff so she could notice me, that year (2011) was really calm for me,
The next year was the year I decided to confess my love, when vacations started in 2011 I felt empty, I wanted to see her, but I was really afraid to do it, what if she didn't liked me? I was some kid with a really hard insecurity on the way the others looked at him, even though I didn't cared how I looked, some people may think if you're scared of the way people sees you, you should worry about the way you look, so people won't get a wrong idea of you, well, that's not true, I had no interest on things that had to do with me, all I wanted those times was love, I constantly had this feeling of 'I want to be hugged', 'I want someone to tell me I love you', 'I want someone I can truly love', 'I want to be happy'.
The day I confessed, I got some flowers I picked up for $2 and confessed my love to the girl I liked, what I less expected, I was rejected, at that moment I didn't even thought about it, 'What if I get rejected?', that kind of thing didn't even crossed by my mind, I was completely sure I would be accepted, ever since that day I started hating myself, I had no one to love, I completely lost the reason I had to live, everything since then started being just following the same routine, I cried the day I was rejected, I cried really hard.
Whenever I woke up, I would look at my mirror and tell mean stuff to me in my mind, things like 'You're ugly', 'You don't deserve life', ect. Also, don't missunderstand this, it wasn't schizophrenia, I was conscious about the things I was saying to myself, but this isn't where everything started to fall, of course, I was almost destroyed to this point, In 6 years, I didn't fell in love again.
I don't even know how to describe what my life was, I was constantly just following the same routine, waking up, saying mean stuff to myself, getting to school, going back to my home, and sleeping till the day ends, It was something like that, when I was 12, I made some other friend, his name was Jasson, he had some big troubles too, but this time, he was like me, none of him problems implied physical damage, he only had mental troubles, whenever I talked to him it felt so good, for once in my life I thought I could freely talk to someone that understands how I feel, but of course, it's impossible to help someone if you don't even know how to help yourself, so we were constantly making fun of each others problems, this was some of the worse things I did, accepting myself.
Some can think for someone with Depression accepting yourself is good, it isn't like that, after I accepted myself is when everything started to fall for me, I consider Jasson a good friend, don't missunderstand me, when you accept yourself, you get to the point that you'll just stop trying to do stuff to help yourself, it was at the time I said, "I've already done a lot of stuff, I'll just give up."
I started making jokes about myself, making fun of me, that made me friend of a lot people, you know, these kind of jokes about, "Damn, It'd be cool if I died" those kind of jokes were funny to some people, I don't say they weren't funny for me, I constantly laughed about myself, in some point, I just got used to feeling bad, saying shit to myself become a habit of me, the only difference was this time I was saying what I thought about me to other people, I'm ugly, I'm fucked up, I can't think possitive about myself, it's still like that, at least for me, getting better was never an option.
I had to accept what I was like, in order to being able to talk with other people, I had to let others know I didn't wanted any help, cause I already gave up on trying to be better, of course, even if I said that, some people won't listen to me and they would say stuff like, 'Believe in yourself, you can be better!', hell man, pay attention of what I'll say right now, if you're not into our shit, stay outside of it, you don't know what your words mean to us, something like believe in yourself will just make me feel worse, something like you can be better will make me think of how worthless I am, every person that has been in this mind state has tried at least once to be better, it's hard to get it, and it's even worse if you don't, for me, I could never become better.
I always had great grades, and people said that was a good thing about me, I was good at memorizing stuff, as a said earlier in, so I felt, at least I could bring good grades to home, that was the only thing I could do, I started to think, maybe I could feel better if I talked to girls, at this time I was looking to fall in love once again, so that I could feel alive, though I couldn't, falling in love was impossible for me, and that's when I noticed how insecure I was about myself, it didn't took me long to notice I didn't fell in love with people because I had the constant feeling of, "I'll just be rejected again", I was constantly saying I didn't deserved happines, love and all that stuff, but I kept talking to girls, cause it was 'comfortable'.
My group of friends were usually saying dicks jokes and that kind of stuff, talking to girls was some kind of different feeling, since I could stop hearing those weird jokes, plus, between the girls I met Melissa, who I consider a good friend right now, she tried to help me with my problems, but she never got it, in a time I thought she was in love with me, but that's just impossible, even if she were in love with me, I never loved her, I had to think of a lot of stuff since she was trying to help me, I didn't even thought she could try to understand me, one day, she talked to a friend of her mom, a psychologist, she tried to influence me with some stupid stuff, damn, I never had a worse experience, she was constantly saying I had some good friends that would support me and all that stuff, like, I don't care, knowing something like that won't make me feel better, by that time I had 2 entire years in some crippling depression, a few words won't make me feel better, maybe it was too late to search for some help, but anyways, I don't recommend a psychologist for any of you, it's some useless stuff, well, actually I don't know, I was incredibly screwed up when she tried to help me.
I constantly told my friends how bad psychologists were, what can I say, at least for me, they were garbage, but well, at the age of 13, I got in some problems with some other guy, by that time I was 5'9 and that guy constanly maked fun of my height (He was 5'5) and said I was abnormal?, he got in a fight with me, of course, since early ages I never liked violence, and it's not like if any kind of insult would affect me, like, a 'Son of a bitch' won't do anything to me, he was really small compared to me, so the strenght between us 2 was already big, I only took his arms and did nothing else, waiting for my friends to call a teacher, for some reason, I got expelled from school, even when I did nothing, my mom got really mad with me, so did my dad, they yelled at me once again, but this time, I was only looking to a corner of the livingroom, my mom thought I was ignoring her, so she hit me, but I wouldn't make eye contact with her, she got really mad at me, told me she should've aborted me, I ask her why she didn't, she got incredibly mad, and yelled at me, "I would've done it if it wasn't illegal", At least at that moment, I realized my mom hated me, my dad told me it wasn't really like that, but it wasn't like those things would affect me, it's not like he was the one who decided if my mom should abort or no, by that time I was already fucked up, it wasn't like there was nothing that made me feel bad, it was more like, I was always bad, I was so used to it.
I have to point out I made some online friends by that times, Matías and Selenia, they're the only keys to what happens from now on, Matías was always a really good friend, he helped me so much in my problems, when he was insecure about himself, I was always helping him, he was always clinging up to me, what can I say, having someone depending on you felt good, in an entire year he got out of his mind state, it was at that point that I started feeling bad about myself because I was saying I'd rather Matías stayed like that, because I liked the feeling of having someone depending on me, I started depending on him later on, I was always thinking on how could I be like him and get out of my problems, but it had already been 3 years, I had absolutely no idea of how I could help myself, Selenia was a girl I met because of another friend, we used to play the same game, but we never really talked that much.
When I was 14, I went by myself to another psychologist, cause I wanted to know how to get out of my state, just like Matías did. I got no help, it was useless, I started cutting myself in order to feel something, I liked the feeling of the pain, it was the only feeling I could get, when you get so used to this kind of mind state you just stop feeling anything, you don't feel happy, you don't feel bad, you don't feel love, you absolutely feel nothing, so the pain is the only way to feel alive, that's why I started cutting myself in non visible parts of my body, started with my legs, went to my chest and then cut my wrists for intense pain, I was never close to death, I don't know if you can actually die if you cut your wrists, there's some people who say cutting yourself is ridiculous, but trust me, it's the only way you can feel alive, I wouldn't criticize someone who does it, since I really know why they do it.
When I was 14 I met this artist, 'XXXTentacion', with the song 'I spoke to the devil in miami, he said everything would be fine', that song really touched me, I started listening to all of his songs, it was amazing, I felt like he understand the way I was feeling, his songs were really touching, I liked his rythm and all that stuff, his songs were really accurate to the way I was feeling, I stopped cutting myself, whenever I listened to his songs it was like hearing my situation and that made me feel good.
I can't say a lot of stuff when I turned 15, excepting for some situation, did you ever had that feeling of trying to help anyone else so you'll get a certain idea of how to help yourself, well, it's not like that, helping others just won't make you feel good, it won't let you know how to help yourself, I always knew it, but I would help everyone I could help, it didn't made me feel good, it did nothing on me, but I still did it, I felt like I could fix myself if I did it, though it never happened, it's definitely impossible to help yourself if you're into something like depression, so if you don't get help by someone else, trust me, you'll never get out of it, it took me a while to realize it, Matías did the same, he was clinging up to me to get out of it, I didn't realized it, I thought he was just different from me, I thought he had some stronger willpower, but it wasn't like that.
After my grandma died I started being an atheist, when I was 15 I had a fight with a teacher cause he blame me cause I was an atheist, then I had an incredible fight with him that got me expelled for almost a week, but that teacher left, new teacher is cool and everything, so I won't complain about it, that time I was expelled, my parents said nothing to me, it was like they didn't care about me anymore, before they would at least get mad, but it wasn't like that this time, I felt empty once again.
When I got to 16 (My actual age) is where everything starts being 'weird', my grades started dropping, so that "At least I can bring good grades to home" feeling died, I felt completely useless, a day I was alone in my house, I tried to kill myself, at first I had no courage to do it, but I started to drink some alcohol, the reaction alcohol has on me is weird, I never get 'drunk', I just get in some deep depression, so I finally got the courage to kill myself, I tried hanging up into a tree, but the big problem was my height, I was 5'11, so I could get my feet to the ground and avoid dying, as you know, as long as you're conscious, you won't kill yourself with something like a rope, anyways, it took me a while to get out of the rope, I got a weird scar in my neck, I had to use long neck shirts and scarfs in order to hide it, before I knew it, my grades dropped even harder, I started spending the entire day in the computer, playing with Matías, at this time is where I start talking a lot with Selenia, before I knew it, I fell in love with her, of course, I didn't thought she would like me, I never had hopes with her, I let the time go by, unless a day around march I woke up and said, "I'll kill myself in christmas" I was decided to do it, but as the time went by, I was getting along with some more people, tho this didn't gave me the feeling of 'I won't suicide'.
Around november, I started insulting every single person in my class in order to get rid of all my friendships, I didn't wanted anyone crying for my death, thinking of it right now, suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem, at the end of november, I still had something to do, I said I would confess to Selenia as the last thing I would do, I was ready to get rejected, after that, I would stop doing anything, getting ready for my death in christmas, the day I was supossed to confess, I wasn't able to, a lot of people were with us at that time, the day, October 02, I confessed my feelings to her, what I less expected once again happened, she accepted me.
I cried, after 6 years, I cried, I was happy, of course, I was very insecure, so the think of, "Maybe it's a joke" was in my head, or maybe, "She felt bad, so that's why she accepted me", I asked her to be my girlfriend at October 10, she's still my girlfriend right now, you can really figure out the reason of why I'm writing this at December 26, right after christmas, the reason I didn't killed myself is completely because of her, being in love feels really nice, and being loved feels incredible too, I can really say I'm happy right now, the 6 years in my depression were trashed by a girl I met online, the reason I'm making my whole life into an story is to let people know love is truly the best thing in this world, it got me out of some really hard problems, and maed me actually care about myself, while caring about somebody else too, even if there's distance between us, we're really close to each other, I do really love her and I hope I'll get to live with her in the future, I still had 2 months of school when I confessed, my grades went back to 9-10 at that time, she really fixed my life, even if it's an online relationship, it's incredibly amazing how good love can be.
Gracias por leer!
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