The Faux-Philosopher Follow story

nate_wynt Nate Wynt

What do you do when you've been diagnosed with clinical depression and no one cares to know why? You waste your time having fun of course! I'm Bobert, and I only have few more months left in high school, my friends and I (mostly I) decided that we're gonna go accomplish a mission we each set out on before we leave. Join us on our journey of finding girlfriends to fighting of supernatural foes! Wait, what do you mean there're no ghosts? There are? Who cares, this is a comedy, anything can happen!


Humor Not for children under 13.

#humor #passion-project #teenagers #310 #light-novel #highschool #comedy
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The beginning

Chapter 1

-The beginning-

"Who am I? Where am I from? What purpose do I serve? Why do I ask questions? Whose voice is this? These are the thoughts I have every day, never wanting to find the answer. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I want to, but just never seem to care enough. At other times, I simply want to appear as an intellectual, but never want to read anything through, or at all. Wouldn't it be more interesting if I showed everyone, rather than tell them? It is a common rule I hear, and a pretty good one. Except, my mind is too self-referential for that. What kind of affliction do I have? I just said it, I can't stop being meta, it’s done nothing but ruin me. I can't even keep secrets from myself. But at least these thoughts are only for me to see. Right? I'd like to think so. Isn’t that why I put them in this highly unprotected journal that I encourage people to read so they lose all interest in it? Today is a new day. A first day. And a day that I can't say I'm looking forward to."

[Eliot: I guess that makes for a good first entry.]

Eliot slammed his laptop shut, awkwardly looked at it and shrugged, getting up and ready he already meandered down stairs. A slice of bread from the fridge and departing with a “bye” to his mom he was out the front door. A short while later on his bicycle he looked down and saw his socks, he was near school already and a slight smile on his face he said “Isn’t that nice” he was still wearing his slippers. Half an hour passed since he reached, now seven thirty, “There. Finished.” His kindle cover slapped shut. “Three books down, too many to go.” The school looked beautiful this time of day, the clouds were cool and the air had just the right amount of chill, his eye’s fell upon a nest of red ants right beside his bench “How nice.” He thought.

[???: Oooiiiii! Eliot!]

Eliot’s head swiveled left to right, he could have sworn he heard someone call. He heard a gunshot, from the corner of his eye he could see something fast approaching, he could see it was silver and nothing else as it raced through the air at an insane speed towards him “Ah, it must be a bullet, dreams do come true.” He didn’t know why but he could hear an angel’s choir behind him, singing him off in their gentle lull. “I always knew this day would come, was it because I fed Beth’s dog chocolate? Because I set Travis’ pants on fire? How can I have all these thoughts when a bullets flying to my face, is this what people feel when they’re about to die? Everything feels so slow. It’s nice, the music is beautiful. I can at least know I didn’t die with any regrets… Ah, that’s right, I didn’t tell Courtney that I-” His head flew off the bench with his body following suite, a thud, a lifeless body hit the gentle ground, sprawled on it’s side on the grass. What’s this? It’s moving? “Ugghhh…” it sounded like a struggle to even moan, Eliot rubbed his forehead, something was moist, sticky, he looked at his hand and saw there was something brown on it. “What’s this? Only one way to know.” Lick. “Oh, it’s –”

[???: Oooiiiyo!]

“Oh god.” Standing over Eliot was someone he never thought he’d have to see this early.

“Ohaiyo!” Bob said with a peace sign as the tip of his tongue stuck out. Eliot just moaned, “How’d you like my kiss? Tasty? I made sure to deliver it in the manliest way possible! Humph!” he flexed his arm and kissed his bicep. Eliot had a thought “Ah, so that’s what it was.” Bob opened his mouth to yammer “Yes, yes, I know, I’m incredibly muscular. Did you hear me break the sound barrier with that? My gym’s amazing, of course it’s only amazing since I’m there, with an arm like that I could try for the baseball team, hell, the team should try for me, don’t you think?” He smiled down at Eliot with a wink, when he looked down he saw Eliot running a finger on his leg. “Ha! I know, you may bask in the glory of my bulls! They’re no longer calves, as you can clearly see, and feel.” His pinky at his mouths corner he laughed “Ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo!” “Mmm, yeah.” Eliot said, Bob looked down at Eliot still on the ground and saw after he was done rubbing his leg he smeared the chocolate off his forehead and started rubbing it again, but no, something started to tickle. “Oi. Oi, Eli, what’re you doing, what’s that feeling?” “I don’t know, ask them.” He pointed to Bob’s leg, looking over he a dark expression of fright gradually grew on his face, he screamed “Ah, ah, ahhh!!!” He tripped over himself and fell into the nest. “KAMI-SAMA!!!” Bob started to roll on the ground in a mad frenzy covered in hundreds of biting ants. “Ha. Ha. Haha. Hahaha.” Eliot started to let out a dry monotonous laugh, his eyes even started to glow a little “Ha. Haha. Hahaha-” He could feel something crawling on his forhead. Chomp. “Ahhh.” Just as dry as his laugh, he started palming himself. Bob just managed to get up, stripping his shirt and shorts and flinging his shoes away, the only thing on him was a baseball cap and underwear. Both of them scooted away from the mess hitting themselves free of ants. Bob was prostrated on the ground in pain, Eliot just stood there looking at him.

[???: What are you two doing?]

[Eliot: Bob did something stupid.]

[???: Oh, I see. Would you like to join me in conspiring on the issue of Rick and Morty?]

[Eliot: Sure.]

Eliot brushed himself off and started to walk off with the new person, Bob shivered as he sensed this “Sthop!” he said, something seemed wrong with his voice “You khan’t jush leaf me laik jhis! We’re furiends eren’t we?” Bob turned his face from the ground to face them and they popped with laughter, Bob’s face was swollen and red with bumps, eyes swollen and cheeks puffed. “Ey, whut ur you ghuys laufin at!?” he said with numb and swollen lips.

Sometime later.

[Mr. Glass[lw1] [lw2] : Page 23, big textbook, read next 5 leaves. I'm going to a meeting.]

The pear of a teacher stepped out the classroom with long and heavy steps, leaving the students to their own devices. Murmurs already filled the class soon after Mr. Glass’ seventh consecutive meeting this week. Alone at one table in a class of nearly thirty sat our heroes. Eliot[lw3] , Xai[lw4] , and Bob[lw5] . “Guys…” Xai was first to speak not long after Glass’ leave. “Huh?” “I… I already read these pages yesterday. What should I do?” “Read it again.” Bob replied lackluster, flipping through the pages. “But I already did.” “Then do it again.” Bob replied. Eliot looked at his Bob’s watch and finally made a comment. “Wow.” The others replied “Hm?” “Bob, all your ant bites are gone.” Bob was just about to get started up when “-and it’s been fifteen minutes since Xai said anything." "Oh, I already finished… again. Again.” Five more minutes passed.

[Xai: Bob, aren’t you going to read anything?]

[Bob: Why should I?]

[Xai: Because…]

[Eliot: Because you should marinate it with honey… the pages… they’ll taste better…]

[Xai: Yeah, because they’ll taste better- what?]

Eliot was murmuring while asleep in his biology book, he only had one more page to go. “You’re going to get dog ears.” Xai said under his breath. Eliot continued sleep talking, piquing Xai and Bob’s interest. “The testicles go… bacon… why is your bacon made of testi… Obama… No… No… not ice cream...] he started to snort intermittently.

[Xai: What a curious case. Don’t you agree?]

[Bob: Mm? Yeah.]

[Xai: …]

[Bob: …]

[Eliot: Deeper… my tongue can go deeper…]

“What?” Both of them looked at Eliot again, they couldn’t tell if it was an innocent smile of pure contentment or a lewd smile of debauchery on Eliot’s face, they could feel their ears grow.

[Eliot: It won’t hurt… why is it so bitter?... It’s kinda… kinda…Hard?]

“Naniiii? Oi, Eli, wake up, you’re drawing the wrong kind of attention.” Bob started shoving Eliot’s shoulders a little, but he just kept snoring and mumbling. The other students near them started glancing their way. “I think… I can suck it ouuutt…” “Ooiii! Eliot! HA HA, nothing to see here.” Bob started acting in a nervous and very suspicious way as he started shaking Eliot, but every shake only made more words come out and more heads turn, “Oi, Xai, you know a way to wake him up-” Xai already drew his stool to the other end of the class “You sellout!” he whispered loudly. “…yes… it’s starting to taste good… A small crowd started to form around Eliot to hear his sleep talk, and at the same time a light went off in Bob’s head, “Hmm, he’s drawing quite a crowd, they hardly ever hear him say anything that isn’t answering a question and now he’s blurting out nonsense and possibly his deep dark thoughts. Yes. That’s it, as his friend I know what to do!” Bob’s thought finished and just as quickly he stood up with a cane in one hand and a carny top hat in another. “Come one and come all! View Eliot like you’ve never heard him before!” What is he doing? “For only five bucks I can work my hypnotism to make him reveal his deepest thoughts!” He could already hear the Ooo’s and Aaah’s. Mitch was the first to ask “Really, how do we know you’re not just faking it?” “The hypnotism or him sleeping?” “Both.” “Rest assured, he is sleeping, haven’t you ever wanted to hear what he has to say?” Geraldine added something “Then don’t cover his mouth.” “Oh, yeah.” He removed his hand from Eliot’s mouth just as he was trying to claw them away to breathe. “Geraldine…” Eliot whispered, “Geraldine kissed it… behind the school… don’t tell Evelyn… blackmail Johnson…snoooore.” Geraldine’s face started to flush red with sweat, a giant of a girl made her way behind Geraldine, she was around five ten and on the girl wrestling team, she wasn’t too thrilled about what she heard.

[Evelyn: What? What did you and Johnson do?]

She was noticeably pissed. Geraldine gulped as everyone with amusement looked at Eliot as he said “…sucky sucky…” Evelyn’s eyes started to water as her fists curled. “Gera… How could you!?” She started to shrink in front of everyone, Geraldine tried to comfort her but as her hand touched her shoulder she ran out the room with Geraldine following suite.

[Bob: (Ahhhh!!! Shit Eli! What the hell do you see here!? Keep cool Bob, keep cool, I can see them dropping twenties!) Yup.]

A lecherous smile formed on Bob’s face, “Anyone else want’s hidden knowledge!” the face of the long tongued devil himself was worn by him as he twirled his cane. The class started to cheer. “Like moths in a river…” he thought. “Me next! Me next! Said Mark.” Said Mark. “Uhhh, okay.” All eyes were on Eliot again, as he started to murmur, “Mark… Mark… and… Gary… shared- mpfh… mfphh.” Gary covered Eliot’s mouth… “Here’s a fifty. Never let him say that. You do, you’re dead.” Cold dead eyes pierced Bob’s as he stood in front of the physical specimen which was Mark, school’s prized quarter back. The bell rang.

Another class over, the three went to the cafeteria.

[Eliot: What do you want to do now?]

[Bob: Two hundred and eighty dollars…]

[Xai: I say we just review what we did in Bio. Bob, what say you?]

[Bob: Two hundred and eighty dollars!]

[Xai: Huh?]

[Bob: Talk about hot girls.]

[Eliot: What’s he talking about money for?]

[Xai: Oh, he was exploiting y- mfph… mpffhhh!!!]

Bob’s hand was covering Xai’s mouth with a lot of fervor, a nervous sweat formed on his brow, an even more nervous laugh. “Mhm…” Replied Elliot. “There’s only one ‘L’.” What was that? “There’s only one ‘L’. It’s Eliot.” Eliot replied, “That’s better.” He said with a small content smile, “What was that?” Asked Bob obviously confused. “Nothing.” Eliot said. “Eliot!” Bob started. “Did I ever tell you you’re my best friend?” He placed his arm around Eliot’s shoulders with a wide grin, Eliot remained quiet. “It’s about time you moved your filthy hand from my mouth, you were counting money then covered my mouth with that han-” “Yeah, I don’t care. Anyways old buddy a mine, is there anything you’d want me to get you? Just saying for the sake of it.” Eliot gave a suspicious glance at Bob and said “Yes. Two hundred and ninety dollars.” “Eh?” “Yeah, you can give me two hundred and-” “Ahh, my ears are ringing! I’ll ask another time. Hey Xai, what do you want?” “Me?” “You see any other Asians at our table?” “He’s Russian?” said Eliot, “Of course not.” Said Bob.

[Xai: Hmmm. I… I am suspicious of your forward questioning, why are you asking?]

[Bob: It’s what friends do.]

He gave a car salesman wink.

[Xai: Hmm… I’d have to meditate on it.]

[Bob: It’s now or ever.]

[Eliot: You’re wrong, the expression is “It’s now nor ever.”]

[Bob: Oh really, thanks.]

[Xai: You’re both wrong, it’s-]

[Bob: Ten… Nine…Eight…]

Xai placed his hand to his chin and started to rack his brain over dozens of things simultaneously, thinking of dozens of possibilities of every choice he could make, thinking of what would be the most reasonable and beneficial thing-

[Xai: Popularity.]

Both Eliot and Bob looked at him dumbfounded. The both of them laughed through their noses at that blunt and obvious request, but Bob started to laugh out loud. Rubbing a tear out his eye and doing deep breathing exercises he started to regain composure. Still he couldn’t hide his laugh.

[Bob: Whew, haha… okay, seriously, I’d have a better chance of getting a girlfriend than that.]

Xai and Eliot started laughing at that.

[Bob: Oi, I’m serious, I’d have a better chance of getting a girl than Xai would have being popular. Stop laughing, I’m serious. Wait, that’s it. I want a girlfriend and Xai want’s to be popular. Eli, what do you want?]

[Eliot: Nothing.]

[Bob: Ah, okay so you want nothing- the hell do you mean!?]

[Eliot: I have no need for earthly desires.]

All of a sudden a holy golden light emanated from behind Eliot. “So, so beautifu- damn it!” Bob broke free from the trance of that false purity. “C’mon, there has to be something you want.” “No. I’m financially stable so I have enough.” Bob clicked his tongue, Xai almost saw a look of irritation on Bob’s face when Eliot said that. “Fine. We’re having a competition. By the end of the school year we’re all supposed to get what we want.”

[Xai: Doesn’t that seem a little contrived and out of nowhere?]

[Bob: Xai… yes it is. But isn’t that all the more reason to do it? I mean, if you don’t start right now, when are you? You’re gonna do it eventually, so why not make it now? Just get rid of the center man. Right Eli?]

[Eliot: Nothing we do… makes a difference… I… I think that it’s a waste of time? Yes. This small of a goal won’t affect any of us, and if it does we all die anyway, and that choice won’t matter after death so why bother with it. Eviscerate the middle man. Right Xai?]

[Xai: To be honest… I like Bob’s idea more. I want to get popular and the books I’ve read say to set a short term goal to lead to a longer one, so maybe this will be that goal. Right Bob?]

The bell rang.

[Bob: Crap. This isn’t over guys.]

July 12, 2018, 7:13 p.m. 0 Report Embed 0
To be continued... New chapter Every 10 days.

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