Headphones on. The ear cushion completely covering my left and partially my right as always. My left foot up on the chair and my back leaning a bit towards the right. It's uncomfortable but it's familiar. I put my foot down and stretch, pretending that my neck pain doesn't bother me and ignoring that my left arm feels funny.
Recently, I've been noticing a bad routine- taking medicine. Of course, I have many other bad habits such as procrastinating. sleeping with the lights on, impulsively buying things I don't need and spending way too many hours on my phone. But those are all fundamental to the normal behavior of a 20 year old college student who doesn't have his/her shit together. It's not good but not terrible.
The very basic definition of medicine is the science and art dealing with the maintenance of health and the prevention, alleviation or cure of a disease. Next to my laptop, I have a 24-tablet Advil bottle staring at me. It screams at me "PAIN RELIEVER" and I can't help but constantly steal glances at it. The phrase "maintenance of health" is misleading and disturbing. It makes me... reject my deterioration in health and think taking 2 pills of Advil regularly is justified.
Pain. It's only 4 letters but the impact it has can't be put into letters. Ironic. I used to hate taking medicine. I would take maybe one pill and then sit through the waves of pain until I was numb and thought I was okay. In the recent last two years, my will to do that diminished. And in the past year, I've possibly bought more than 13 cases of advil from my local 7-11.
Ooh, that....doesn't sound good.
As someone who is supposed to be good at math, I have a strange relationship with numbers that I'll delve into some other time. But it plays a large role in how I view time and in my sleeping habits. I.. don't sleep very much. I can list out the details but it's not great. I realized 8 months ago that I don't incorporate any time management in my life and that it gamifies my entire life. Fatigue and migraine-like headaches are probably its side effects and most likely, so is anxiety. When I realize that, I genuinely wondered "How am I still alive?"
This year, I've been getting moments of complete anxiety and stress that everything I'm doing is killing me. Staying up late at night is going to kill me. Eating processed foods is going to kill me. Having my headphones cover only one ear is going to destroy my hearing. Listening only at (unrecommended) high volumes is going to kill me. Overthinking is going to kill me. Worrying about my grades is going to kill me. Being stressed is going to kill me. Taking 18 pills of advil in 6 days is going to kill me.
...and I'm forced to draw a line. 18 pills in 6 days. It was originally 16 pills in 4 days but I counted the two I took before I napped today. But wow. I started noticing that I was taking too much advil when I had more than 6 empty bottles on my desk, when I stopped caring whether I had eaten beforehand and when the slightly sweet outer coating of the pills became familiar.
I won't lie. I alternate between being scared shitless about my stomach lining and heart to taking advil anyway. I go from being worried that I'm wasting my life to not believing I can live another 10 years and that I shouldn't care. I have a hard time (more than a hard time) believing that I can take my life for granted and unlike most of my peers, can't believe I've been on this planet for more than 20 years.
More than once a week, I have moments of panic. I wonder if I'm happy, if I'm okay with who I am, if I want to try something new, if I am not wasting my life, if I can continue my life the way I have been. I feel a ball of stress in my chest and I take a big breathe and not think. Maybe it used to work before but it certainly does not now.
I wonder if the things I do are worth it. I wonder if I won't be having a breakdown when I graduate because I wasn't able to do anything I wanted to. I wonder if I will be happy. I wonder if my parents will be disappointed. I wonder if I can live through my life, smiling or even pretending to smile. I wonder if my actions will have severe consequences. I wonder if I will ever be able to reach my goals.
My mind wonders even though I don't want it to and time continues at its unforgiving, steady pace. Through the headaches blocking my focus and Ibuprofen inhibiting inflammation, I can't express my thoughts in a coherent, organized way. The only thing that I am starting to realize is that I desperately wish I could start my life over again.March 7, 2018, 5:04 p.m. 0 Report Embed 2
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