"Why do I always have to make time for you?!"... and I was speechless. It was amazing to hear how she truly felt about our friendship.
We met last year around this time and were awkward but good friends. It wasn't until we were studying for our class together that we became closer and closer. We shared secrets, thoughts, gossip, food, drinks and time. She was a friend that I valued and loved in my life. Things were tough for me last semester and she was there. I felt that I had a place in her heart because she definitely had a place in mine. I feel ridiculously stupid now.
11,520 minutes ago. I told her about how much our friendship meant to me. I told her issues that have been bothering me and other friends about how she wasn't present anymore. I told her that I loved her and cared for her as a friend and to just not forget that I'm here. She said that everything I said was valid and that she cares.
8,640 minutes ago. We fought because she was continuously being indecisive and made me waste 3 hours of my time when I was sick. I told her how I felt undervalued and that what she did was wrong. She got defensive but realized that I said what I did because I cared for her.
7,200 minutes ago. We went to a party together and it was nice.
4,320 minutes ago. She sent me snaps while pooping. Haha, it was her thing.
60 minutes ago. We were laughing and messaging each other during class. I told her about my trip to Boston over the break and we walked together out of class.
40 minutes ago. I sent her a message to go get food with her because we did that often. I told that it would be a given that she would accompany me to get food with her because she wasn't in a rush before we parted.
10 minutes ago. She looked at me and said those words. I was shocked and didn't know what to say back. I felt so betrayed, so hurt, so small.
And 0 minutes. I'm hurt and checking my fb message in case she messages me a simple sorry. A simple sorry. That's all I need from her. That's all I asked from her. But a simple sorry isn't on her mind, a simple sorry isn't going to leave her lips.
Instead, she's thinking about the math hw due today she screamed about. She's thinking about her girlfriend that she spent the past week with. She's thinking about her math prelim that she hasn't studied for. She's thinking about everything else- but me.
It's to be expected, I guess. I have tried and tried to help her and tell her what she wants to hear. But then, she always ends up blaming me. She tells me that I'm judgmental after making me judge someone, she tells me that everyone in my life is fucked up after she makes me talk about their personal things. She makes me talk and then makes me feel terrible not just about myself but also about everyone in my life.
I guess, the ending is simple. It's time that I remove myself from her life and her from mine. I'm her token friend. Someone that she hangs out with when she has time and only if, she has time. And I'm not okay with that. I am undervalued and I have to ask myself... can I continue like this?
The answer I've been avoiding is that.. I can't continue like this. I can't smile while feeling crushed. I can't feel like crying whenever she says something negative. I can't blame myself after every interaction. I am sad. I am upset. The worst part of this all is that I know she won't realize how I feel and she will never validate how I feel. She might think I'm overreacting and that what I feel is invalidate because we've fought before.
I've tried to write little details of why I feel this way because I felt that writing about her would make her seem deplorable. And she was, at times. But it's more complicated than a one-way street. She was a friend I considered important and someone who I spent a lot of time with. It's weird. I didn't realize how hurt I was until I stepped back and looked at what has been happening. Her personality flaws that I used to adore and be okay with are now where I have to draw my boundaries. We shared so many laughs, goofs and it's really difficult for me to say that I'm going to be okay. Even now, when I end all this shit, I will see her everyday. We share the same friend group- I won't be able to avoid her. In the same classes, same lab, same space. But I should be okay with that right?
Waves of anger and sadness. Should I just finish writing this and then pretend that everything is okay when I see her in an hour? Or should I stand firm with my decision? Should I tell her that it didn't bother me? Does she think that I'm overreacting? Does she genuinely not care at all? ...does she genuinely not care at all...?
And then, my heart breaks. It hurts. I feel like vomiting if I tried. She said that I always expect her to be free and I told her that she's treating me and our friendship like a liability. I told her that what she said is going to affect our friendship and that it's not going to be the same. I don't remember what she said afterwards. I want to cry. Tears form without my consent but I have to refuse to let them fall.
Haha. I sound dramatic. I can't help wonder if I am being dramatic. Am I expecting too much out of my friends, too much out of Lucinda? Should I excuse her for making me feel like crap? Should I just say that it's a personality flaw and that it's nothing new that she cannot manage her time and doesn't give a fuck when we fight? Should I saw "oh, that's just a her thing?" Should I just smile and tell her to appreciate me as her friend and joke around? Should I be okay now since I've vented?
I don't know what's the right answer or what exactly I should do... Is it okay to lose a friend right now?
Feb. 21, 2018, 5:57 p.m.
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