Hello there, I am the therapist friend and I wish I had my own therapist. I have recently relized more and more about myself and how I actually feel being the therapist friend, I never conciderd that I was the therapist friend untill last year seventh grade. I told one of my friends that I would be her therapist beacuse I was used to listening to peoples problems and giveing advise, Ive been the therapist friend seince elemntary I was also the friend that fixed everything within my old friend group with my ex best friend and my current best friend. They both were arguing constently about the most random and dumbest shit and of corse I was the one who fixed it, I was also always involved in it though I never really did anything exept watch them and tell them to calm down but then my ex best friend would tell me whose side I was on. If you know when someone asks you that it was always a big deal I was never taking sides I just wanted them to stop fighting. They would fight for as long as a week but of corse I fixed it every time which is why they ket talking. Last year seventh grade I relized that I was attracted to girls as well as boys, she was a close friend so I told her not relizing that she would dropp me a day later. She didnt even tell me directly she had sent someone else to tell me when she was right there watching to see my reaction though all I did was say ok and continue to eat my lunch. At last I was done with her and she would not be apart of my life. I am now in the eighth grade and ive recently been relizing more amd more about myself. I have relized I have had many problems in the past such as the fact that I dont understand feelings, when I say that I dont mean feelings in general because I have always been able to know how someone feels just by looking at them, when I say that ai mean I dont understand MY feelings. What I mean by that is that I know when im happy or sad but I question myself like "am I really sad" or "am I happy?" I want to say that I know myself the best But do I really I struggle to understand if I am really feeling that way or if im feeling something els, I am never sure if I really understand myself, I have put off my own feelings, my own dignety, my own mental health, all of it Ive lied Ive said im ok when im not I lie a lot but I dont wanna talk to someone about it I tell myself
"you are fine, you arnt struggling like they are" so I pretend I dont strugle with my mental health. I wanna talk to someone, I wanna tell someone that when I say im not ok giggling and smileing, I am really not ok. But I cant bring myself to do it, I let others vent to me I tell them im always here to listen and I am...But sometimes I want someone to tell me that, I hate to vent I feel like I shouldnt vent, that I have nothing to vent about, that im ok because they are actually strugling and im not. The reason I say I dont like to vent is due to the fact that even I dont understand myself, I say im tine but am I really? But then again I compare myself to peope who tell me they are suicidal And I think to myself "they want to hurt themselvs, they need me to be there, I dont need someone to be tgere for me, they do" I guess being the therapist friend who wont tell anyone how they feel is a normal thing, besides the fact that I really dont understand myself.
Thank you for reading!
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