lesbianjuliet Amber Kestner

It has taken nearly twenty years to accept myself as of who I am and now I am ready to tell this story in my very own memoir of who I am. This is my story and how I have learned to accept who I am as a person. Disclaimer: Certain names in Chapters will change due to respecting their privacy.


Memoir & Life Stories All public.

#happiness #opinions #family #exes #friendships #reallife #lesbian #whoiam
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Chapter 1: Introduction

I am 32 years old and about to be 33 in a month and two days. In 2018, I had to come out again. Was it a choice that I wanted too? Not exactly. Especially the timing in which I will get into later but coming out a second time in my life wasn't a thought. I fought depression badly and got pretty upset when someone would slightly mention that I liked girls. Not many know this fact but my mom was the whole reason that I kept it inside and my mom is my best friend, that is the truth, I have always told her everything and anything about who I am. I knew I was different than other girls in my school because I was crushing on the same-sex more than I was the opposite sex. Each of my chapters will feature someone who has helped me overcome who I am and I know quite a bit over the years whether they are in my life right now or not, they have impacted me. This chapter is to focus on me and give you insights of how I struggled with being myself.

Biggest thing I noticed when I would bond with my younger brother is that I always made my barbies or even my smaller play dolls that I would collect and have them be together. Was it a crime in my innocent eyes? I didn't think it was. I don't think my older brother or sister knew anything though neither of them really respected me as a person. As a pre-teen it became more known that I liked girls, I had a journal where I expressed my attraction to the same-sex and to this day I don't know why my mom made it feel like I was a bad child for being into the same gender. In 2003, I told my mom I was bisexual I was only 13 at the time, it was a year after my body started doing changes and my body responded to new things. Out of respect for my mom I lied on who I was and that is when my world of disliking boys got worse. From age 13 to 17 which is a good chunk of my school years, I was raped, taken advantage of and emotionally abused by boys who didn't know how to respect a girl. Let's put it this way, a boy that was my best friend told me as I was pregnant with my daughter in 2009 that I was like all the other girls, he had no idea what I went through or anything. Anyways, from 2003 to 2005 I hated school, I hated boys, and my anxiety and depression got worse not only because I was diagnosed with a heart condition but because I couldn't be myself.

In my early to mid 20's, after having my daughter my world became darker and I threatened to end my life because my mom still refused to accept me. Hell, I did date someone of the same-sex who meant everything to me and she felt the same but it didn't matter my mom didn't want to accept who I was. This is where writing my stories from 2006-2007 helped me get my emotions out of writing fictional stories on a certain writing platform to engage myself with other writers. It took writing poems too that expressed myself more. I met my best friend from Pennsylvania there and we have been best friends to this day. I will talk more about that person later.

Between 2010 to 2016, I did something that I knew wouldn't help me as a person who preferred the same-sex but I had one night stands/dated couples as in male and female couples especially married ones. Well, that led to jealousy badly because I wanted the women more than the men, I wanted to be with the woman one on one but it didn't happen. I had a few short episodes where I would think I was Polyamorous because one of my guy friends was but that wasn't the case either. So, I knew for a fact I wasn't Straight, Bisexual or Polyamorous, hell, I wasn't Transgender either though it still crosses my mind from time to time of wanting to be a man that isn't a lie but I am not bothered being a female, so that subtracts their was one identity I would never admit to myself though each time mother nature came around I would say it. I will admit to dating women online quite a few actually but they never lasted long. I would admit to certain people what I thought of who I was but never would say it out loud. I will tell you that sleeping around with boys/men was something I didn't enjoy but to keep my mom happy I did it anyways and yeah, resulting in me having my daughter but I don't regret my only child. Yes, even in my pre-teens I wanted my own child but I am thankful I got pregnant in my early 20's instead of my teens.

We are now up to 2018, and my friends is where I had a lot of health problems. First off, most of my man's family still hates me for this but it is fine. I thought I was pregnant a second time because my body was acting really strange though a pregnancy test revealed I wasn't and an OBYGYN two of them verified I wasn't, it still hurt and it is still painful to know that I wasn't carrying a second child. So, I did research online an you won't believe what I found that if you deny your sexually that for a woman their walls in their kitty(you know what I mean) will close and that surprised me but after two weeks of hell with my body (I was bleeding down there) meaning having mother nature that I had to come out to everyone and that including my own mother for the hundredth time or more. Do you know how hard that is to do on someone's birthday, yeah, it was that kind of day when I found the information. I will mention this person in my book too but I didn't know I could accept myself. It took me taking multiple breaths to tell my mom the truth, it took me several days to tell everyone and reaching out to my own sister to tell her, I will tell you more about her later too.

I am out as a lesbian and proud to be. After nearly twenty years of denial, I came out in 2018 as a lesbian. Now that this part is done now we are to move forward. Thank you for reading this and enjoy the rest of the book.

May 18, 2022, 5:50 p.m. 0 Report Embed Follow story
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Read next chapter Chapter 2: Romeo

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