The nights are the hardest. Lonesome, cold nights spent sleepless, sauntering through the night with eyes that beg for rest, yet none can be had. Alone, it's not hard to get accustomed to waking up alone, eating dinner alone, watching tv alone, and going to bed in the same way. It's mind numbing routine, and one that will dull your mind until you feel nothing. For what is life without the company of those you love and those you cherish? It hurts carrying such loneliness. It's a burden that you must bear on your own. There will be no boons during such times, nor will there be mercy as you watch the others living their day to day life. It hurts to watch, but you're accustomed to it. It's your fault, obviously, yet no matter how hard you toss such an idea around in your head, you just can't seem to understand what your problem is. And the frustration only adds to it until the only thing you can even feel is regret. Regret for not changing. Regret for not being who you were told to be. Regret for allowing yourself to hope for something more.
As the darkness comes, you must learn to shield your heart from its cold, dead grasp. Such feelings come as a painful cleanse. Sometimes necessary, I think. A chance to detox and renew your emotions. To begin again, from a clearer perspective. A chance to reassure what's hurting you, a chance to learn from it, and a chance to make better choices.
As the darkness comes, you must learn to love yourself like a good friend, and treat yourself like someone you love. You must remove a bullet from a wound, just like how you must remove sadness from the soul. And it hurts like hell, because that's what it is. Yet what is one to do when such feelings don't subside? What should be done when you feel the darkness that once only bothered you in times of loneliness suddenly finds itself becoming part of you?
These sorts of feelings can overstay their welcome like a virus with seemingly no cure. It tears at your mind, clawing at what little sanity you have left. It corrupts your mind and tears it to shreds until your little more than a conglomerate of twisting emotions, turning and folding against each other until you've lost the ability to even understand yourself at all.
When friends feel like paper in water and life promises little more than harsh storms that never seem to end, life feels lonely. Loneliness is probably one of the most agonizing emotions. It’s like an ice cold spike that runs through your chest, yet no matter how hard you tug at it, it won't budge. It’s like living in an echoing chamber with haunting echoes from the past. Those that taunt you when you’re alone and keep you up at night when you desperately need sleep. Regret, regret, regret.
You can have friends and still feel lonely. You can have a lot of friends and feel the same way.
It's MADDENING. Enough to make a grown man break down into tears.
But that's not how it ended, is it? Even the most empty people may yet find a reason to breath.
He looked my way and the world turned. He said my name and my heart burned like a sunburn. He was my sun. My night, day, and dusk. His smile, my medicine, my heart song, my light. He compacts my senses and clouds my head until he's the only one I want to be with. I'd give my soul to him, and should I ever betray him, I hope to die a thousand deaths. For in this life, my heart is weak when it works alone. I adore him more than anything, and should either of us evaporate as water into the sky, that will remain true for as long as I exist in one form or another. I'm don't feel so bad when we're together.
He's so simple, yet so complex. It's what I admire most about him. He hides it well, but his mind is unique. Yet, he has so much more to say than he chooses to. And in those moments where his barriers are broken and he says the things that he truly thinks is when I admire him most. He could do no wrong in my eyes, and I find it impossible to dislike anything about him. His raw talent is truly something as well.. A born artist, overflowing with talent. And he will only improve as time passes. Once, I even prayed that he'd keep me around long enough to see that happen. I know better now.
But my soul has been alone for so long that I'm terrified of him just as much as I admire him. He, and he alone, has a power over me. With just a word, he, decides the outcome of my day. With just a word, he can make me feel at the top of the world, or at the end of the gun. He's everything I want, but have no right to ask for. For their is vast emptiness in the freedom of being alone, but there is simplicity and safety when I'm with him. Even if his tongue is cold and his words often words pierce me. Even if he shares with me your frustrations and anguish, this will remain true. He makes me feel whole, and I can't imagine life without him. Should we ever part ways, may my life disappear but my love stay for eternity, for even then I wish only for you're happiness. Because that's what you deserve more than anything.
(Vulgate Blues, Joshua Smock, 2021)
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