Dispatch from Russia, True or False? Follow story

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Dispatch From Russia, True Or False?


Hello, Comrades! 

   This is my first dispatch from Russia. As a true patriot, I want to dispel all those lies and propaganda about my country. I mixed some facts about Russia with the most outrageous lies. I will tell you which one is false in my next dispatch. Here it goes:

   The ruler of Russia regularly meets with leading Russian rock musicians to discuss their opinion of his performance as a national leader. His opinion of their performance will be declassified in 25 years.

   Different regions of Russia drive on the different sides of the road. The rules are posted on the road signs upon entering a region. That is because Russia is so big and western regions import cars from Europe as eastern from Japan. Middle of Russia has no rules. Or cars.

   One time Russia had two rulers, and that was very confusing! One of them drove on the right and another one on the left side of the road. To fix that they agreed that one will drive and another one sits on the back. To make it even safer for the ordinary Russians they now travel on a motorcycle.

   Russia is a secular country with separation of Church and State written into the Constitution. Some people in Russia suffer from separation anxiety and have high priests of major religions present at launches of major pieces of military hardware. The priests also get to check vital signs of people returning from space missions. Their findings will be declassified in 25 years.

   Russia is a very powerful but peaceful country! All Russian wars were either defensive or by invitation only. The invitation to invade must be submitted and signed by the leader of the country in order for Russia to consider. Recently, Russia took a ‘rain check’ on such an invitation from a neighboring country because it was busy. Russia keeps records of those invitations and makes them public. They are posted on the Red Square next to the tombstones of the national leaders who sign them.

   "Matreshka" - an early stage of "Babushka", "Samovar" - an early stage of "Sputnik". "Kazachok" - an early stage of "Druzba".

   Russia leads the "most" list of European countries. It has the tallest mountain range, deepest lake, northernmost city and fastest shrinking sea but keeps them all in Asia after an incident with one of the Western European neighbors. People from Western Europe can come and see for themselves that they are still there and cared for and take back typical Russian souvenirs of oil and gas. For visitor's convenience, it can be shipped to their home countries over pipelines.

   All Russian kids compelled to go to school. After 8th grade, an aptitude test is performed. The outstanding students leave the system to become an elite: security guards, athletes, and exotic dancers. They rise to power to become top government officials, lawmakers, and oligarchs. Or their wives. The rest of the pupils will be forced into another 4 to 8 years of schooling wondering where their lives went wrong.

   Russia is a big country full of resources, and talented people. It’s oil, gas, weapon systems; hard working programmers, ballet and university instructors, as well as idle and overindulgent spies, government officials, and oligarchs are well known throughout the world and can be met at any geographical location where American Express and Diners Club cards are accepted.

   True or false? 

June 29, 2017, 3:48 a.m. 0 Comments Report Embed 0
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