I should treat you like a diary,
maybe a song,
a newspaper, a book or just a poem.
It doesn't matter now...
I don't know how to start or where to begin but here it goes. The only problem with me was that I was so used to heart break. And I knew you were too. As well as the the young and old loves out there who have successfully accomplished their quest or unsuccessfully did not finish. I am on the line called "brink of insanity." I became best friends with dissapointment and I lost my believe and faith. I am so familiar with bad timing I always end up at the wrong place. A place where I know I don't belong. I got so good at telling lies that even I started to believe them. These thoughts that I have trapped inside my mind and soft spoken words that come out of my mouth is what weighs down heavy with truth. The truth is that I suddenly felt at peace at one point. Maybe it's because of the place my feet where standing on. Maybe because it's a reminder of you and me and a blissful bond we once shared. Without a care in the world, my arms were wrapped around you to shelter you from the cold. I know you were happy at that moment because you as well had found a small piece of happiness. And I was glad. We were two souls that kept each other warm with each others company. At that moment..I knew we were two minds that had the same thing in mind. You wanted me to be yours and I...I wanted you to be mine. I was once told that when you love someone...you tell them. Even if you're scared and you think it's not the right thing but you say it, you say it loud and clear. What I knew was that I loved you. I spent my time thinking that I wasn't as good as her but you were the one person who made me feel like maybe I was. But I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm crazy. But maybe time has finally out played me. In other words, maybe I stopped seeing beauty in all the beautiful little things. Or maybe I even stopped appreciating all the gifts that this life actually brings. I guess you can say I'm all over the place because I suddenly can't think straight. Maybe I'm over my head. Or maybe I just miss the contours of your body wrapped around me, letting me know that I didn't have to worry about anything in the world because you were that wall of protection. But I can't stop questioning myself..."is this normal?". I don't know, i guess it is because I'm not the only one who feels this certain way. But I as well feel as if I stopped being myself after you left..or all of this could be a test included in my timeline. Here's what I know...what I know is that I don't know where I stand anymore. Maybe I'm the mess who got in the way and failed the test. I left a mess that I couldn't clean up. And maybe this is why when I try to apologize I don't know where to begin or where to end. I'm left with million of words trapped inside my mouth and trust me when I tell you this..it's one of the worst things one can do. It's like you have so much to say but yet you can't say. All these words that I suddenly typed up in my mind that I want to tell you just..I just can't bring myself to say it in person or to just hit send. Maybe I fucked up and I won't admit it. I'm a fool with a lack of courage. It seems like I have all the time in the world right above the palm of my hands. Maybe I should do something about it. I used to feel like every minute without you felt like an hour..or maybe I still feel that way because we both left each other a scar on the left side of our chest. In the end..maybe I'm just a fool trying to distract myself from you. yes you. Maybe this is why I couldn't truly admit that I loved you with every fragile piece of me. Because for some reason, I couldn't accept that maybe..just maybe, you could have truly loved me.
Sept. 30, 2021, midnight